billyhaisley Page 15 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Uganda's Answer To Rob Ford Is Somehow Even Less Athletic<em></em>
Moses Ali is the 79-year-old first deputy prime minister of Uganda. He is also enormously fat and wildly unathletic. Following in the footsteps of another politician who possessed a considerable girth and a dearth of athleticism, Ali embarrassed himself while trying to execute a routine physical mot...
Inter Miami CF Continues MLS's Proud Tradition Of Barfy European Cosplay
David Beckham’s Mosaic trek through the American sports grifter desert as he seeks to realize his MLS team ownership dream has come another step closer to reality. We now know what to call this allegedly imminent franchise, and it’s a name as nauseatingly cosplayish as we’ve come to expect:...
Usain Bolt Is A Soccer Player Now And He's Actually Not Terrible
Usain Bolt may have retired from track, but he hasn’t given up sports entirely. He is currently signed to a trial contract with the Central Coast Mariners, an Australia A-League team, trying to realize his dream of becoming a pro soccer player. He made his official debut in a preseason friendly last...
There's Nothing Candid About LeBron's <i>The Shop</i>
When you’re watching porn, especially one of those gauzy-lensed sensual ones, you generally do not find yourself thinking, Boy, that porn star fellow must be quite the gentleman at home....
Deadspin Up All Night: Sprinkle Sprinkle
Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Sayonara, suckers....
Why Don't More Soccer Teams Scoop Up Easy Goals From Cool Free-Kick Routines Like This?
PAOK scored the first goal of their Champions League qualifying match against a superior Benfica team off of a neat little coordinated free-kick routine. Watch the goal above, because it’s cool, and then ponder the following: What is it about free goals that have the big tough soccer boys afraid of ...
Javier Pastore Escaped His Gilded Cage And Is Back Doing Crazy Shit On The Field
If you were to name a poster boy for the phenomenon of promising young talents who join the game’s richest clubs only to find themselves spending more time watching soccer than playing it, Javier Pastore would be a perfectly credible choice. Now, after finally deciding to step out from the bejeweled...
Lucas Moura Cooking Chris Smalling Is A Metaphor For Tottenham's Spanking Of Man United
It takes a firm lashing of José Mourinho’s asscheeks to get him to walk into a press conference and opine about international humanitarian crises before storming out of the room while doing an unironic Birdman impression, and that’s exactly what Tottenham administered to Mourinho’s Manchester United...
It's Time For The Soccer World To Unite And Come To An Agreement About VAR
“VAR is a dogshit system that poorly solves the marginal problems it was invented to address by privileging a make-believe standard of perfection at the expense of vastly more important values,” certain wise commenters have remarked about the addition of video replay to soccer. “VAR runs the risk of...
Barcelona Played A Game On One Of The Worst Pitches You'll Ever See
Barcelona played Real Valladolid on Saturday in a match remarkable not for any brilliant passages of play or spectacular goals, but instead for the atrocious state of Valladolid’s pitch, which looked more like a sand pit with a thin layer of grass sprinkled on top than a field of play befitting some...
Christian Covington's Ego Takes A Hit As The New <i>Madden</i> Has Him Looking Like A Gelatinous Thumb
Texans defensive end Christian Covington is not a particularly handsome man. He’s not an ugly man, either, just an average-looking one. Still, as unremarkable as Covington’s face may be, he does not resemble the creepy, poorly rendered avatar the folks at EA assigned him in Madden 19, as he has disc...
Dimitar Berbatov's Arrogant, Curse-Filled Breakdowns Of His Old Goals Are Wonderful
Many players have scored more goals than Dimitar Berbatov, but few have scored as many flatly stunning ones, or done so with the flair and insouciance that made nearly every one of his goals legitimately preposterous. It was preposterous that any human body could, as a simple matter of physics, exec...
Arsène Wenger On Unemployed Life: "I Can Sit For Hours Contemplating The Horizon"
We’ve grown used to Arsène Wenger’s deeply philosophical musings as revealed in interviews over the years, and we’re glad to say that this fount of wisdom shows no signs of stinting even though he’s no longer managing Arsenal. And for a man who was so famously, singularly obsessed with soccer, who e...
Adama Traoré, The King Of Dribbles, Is Just Getting Started
The new European soccer season has only just begun and we’ve already seen Adama Traoré strengthen his claim on the “best dribbler in the world” crown....
Paul Pogba's Agent Shit-Talks Man United Legend, And Things Are Looking Bad
Following Manchester United for the couple years, it’s hard to combat the sense that Paul Pogba isn’t very happy at the club right now. But for as up-and-down as his return to England has been, it seems like right now—with his manager criticizing him and the team playing poorly and unadventurously a...
Only José Mourinho Can Save Manchester United From Himself
If he weren’t such a hemorrhoidal asshole, you could be inclined to feel somewhat sorry for José Mourinho....
If VAR Is Good For One Thing, It's Embarrassing Gloating Fans
Few things in life are as satisfying as stunting in the face of an opposing fan after your team does something good. One of the only things that is better is when an opposing fan preens in your face prematurely and you get to return the favor. This is why the following interactions from this weekend...
Soccer Fan Takes A Ball To The Dome And Handles It Like A Champ
I don’t know about you but if my unsuspected skull had just gotten blown the hell up by a flying soccer ball, I wouldn’t have reacted with half the poise and grace as this lady did:...
New Marketing Deal Will Bring Regular Season La Liga Match To The U.S.
After years of seeing meaningful games from our own major sports shipped abroad by the greedy leagues that control them, U.S. sports fans are about to find themselves on the opposite side of that transaction. Thanks to a new marketing deal, Spain’s La Liga will play a regular season match stateside,...
Anthony Precourt Gets One Step Closer To Pimping Out The Columbus Crew To Austin
Big Daddy Kane might not have thought pimping was easy, but back when he wrote that song he hadn’t seen how simple it was for the Columbus Crew’s grease-palmed owner Anthony Precourt to merely raise a hand menacingly at his current john—the city of Columbus—while also whispering of his service’s ill...