christmas-ape-old Page 8 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Roger Federer Will Silence Your Family
During the semi-final match of the Monte Carlo Masters yesterday between Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic, Djokovic's family disputed a call, whereupon the top ranked player in the world told them to shut their fucking yaps, except he was a little more polite about it. Djokovic later pulled out of t...
A Kiper-McShay Draft Day Hair Trade
The shocking Mel Kiper-Todd McShay follicle swap [The Sports Hernia]...
Bron-Shawn Basketball Beef Gets Hip-Hop Glaze
With Game 4 of the Wizards-Cavs series about to tip off in the Verizon Center comes the news via The Washington Post's (Boooooooo!) Wizards Insider blog that the overcooked rivalry between LeBron James and DeShawn Stevenson has extended into the hip-hop arena. It all started with Queen James waving ...
Kerwin Danley Takes His Umply Lumps
Home plate umpire and crew chief Kerwin Danley took a 96 mph Brad Penny fastball to the jaw in the 4th inning of the Dodgers 11-3 win over the Rockies last night. The game was delayed 18 minutes and Danley had to be taken off the field in an ambulance. A Dodgers spokesman said Danley lost consciousn...
The Chiefs Drafted...Well?
We've been cautioned and chastened by many a pundit over the years that it takes years to properly assess the success of any given draft. That may be true, but with the Chiefs unloading Jared Allen to the Vikings for picks, it was important for them to make a splash. Everything seemed to go their wa...
About Last Night...
What you missed while buying Pierre the penguin a new sports car......
Message To This Kid's Future Defense Attorney: Blame Name or Haircut
This unfortunate youngster, other than being forced by parental duress to sport the bowl cut, was born unto a couple of deranged Spurs fans. How unhinged, exactly? Instead of buying a team photo or something to encapsulate their love for the team, they decided to put the whole roster into their kid'...
To Watch Tonight...
What to watch while remembering you let your kid play in the tree house too long......
1st Round, Twentieth Overall: Buccaneers Select Aqib Talib
Talib blew off his scheduled visit with the Cowboys last month. Mario Manningham blew the Cowboys interview off at the Combine. Now I hate the stinkin' Cowboys as much as any kid who grew up a snowball's throw away from Veterans Stadium, but since when do NFL prospects blow off the Cowboys? They're ...
1st Round, Nineteenth Overall: Panthers Select Jeff Otah
Let's measure the Otah draft buzz throughout his career in decibels (dB): 1) Leaves JUCO as a lanky ex-basketball player; wins starting job at Pitt (10 dB; rustling leaves) 2) Stones Chris Long repeatedly in Virginia-Pitt game (70 dB; Space Shuttle launch in your kitchen) 3) Suffers minor injury in...
1st Round, Eighteenth Overall: Ravens Select Joe Flacco
Joe Flacco came from a bad neighborhood. Audubon, New Jersey, is rougher than the Little Rock with East St. Louis piled on top of it. Flacco graduated from Audubon High School, which is so rough that there are medal detectors in the faculty lounge, where even the math teachers are pumped up muscle m...
1st Round, Seventeenth Overall: Lions Select Gosder Cherilus
The Lions made a pick. Stop snickering. And he's a pretty good player. Stop it! Nothing is funny! He could help the team improve. Last warning, damn it! Okay, everything the Lions do is funny. Most coaches invoke omerta when talking about their pre-draft needs. Rod Marinelli shows up at his press ...
K-Mart Pokes The Mamba
With the not-at-all close Lakers-Nuggets series coming to Denver for Game 3 this afternoon, Kenyon Martin has seen fit to provoke Kobe, who dropped 49 and 10 on the Nuggets in Game 2. Martin says it's "better to be pissed off than pissed on." That's the voice of experience talking....
1st Round, Sixteenth Overall: Buzzsaw Selects Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie
You better adjust the tracking on your VCR if you want to watch game tape of Rodgers-Cromartie. Tennessee State games are taped using the surveillance cameras at the Stop & Rob across the street. "The tape is not real clear. You have to find him. This reminds me of an older time in scouting," accor...
1st Round, Fifteenth Overall: Chiefs Select Branden Albert
Oh God. The Lions made a trade. Carl Peterson dangled a shiny object in front of Matt Millen, and now we all have to adjust. This Brandon Albert blog entry will be written in four styles: dense football scouting jargon, lyrically idiotic Jamie Dukes banter, Thomas the Tank Engine narration, and fin...
1st Round, Fourteenth Overall: Bears Select Chris Williams
There are worse things to watch than the Bears offense. For example, there's: 1) Put up Your Dukes 2) Your maiden aunt shaving her legs, etc. 3) Fake-reality YouTube videos of a teenage emo-girl whispering her breathy secrets ("my parents hate me") into a webcam 2.3 millimeters away from her chin....
1st Round, Thirteenth Overall: Panthers Select Jonathan Stewart
Okay, where's Tanier going here? Is going to go the "Jon Stewart" route and make lots of Daily Show (or "The Faculty") references? Is he going to make fun of Oregon's Rejected Nickelodeon Teen Superhero uniforms? Maybe go old school for some Jimmy Stewart references? ...
1st Round, Twelveth Overall: Broncos Select Ryan Clady
Clady is the first football player ever to leave Boise State early. Why would anyone ever leave Boise early? Come to think of it, why would anyone go to Boise?...