dashiell-bennett-old Page 27 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Ray Allen Is Having Some Issues With Twitter
Followers of Ray Allen's Twitter account must have been shocked by the sudden X-rated turn that his tweets took last night—a brief, masturbation-filled snafu that he blames on hackers....
More Last Minute Gift Ideas: A Murder Conviction
A Yankee fan who ran over a Red Sox fan with her car after he mocked her team has been found guilty of second-degree murder. Shockingly, the New England jury did not consider it justifiable homicide....
Last Night's Winner: Pointless Tradition
In sports, every one is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Utah Utes, who have won nine consecutive bowl games....every single one of them completely meaningless. We must preserve this hallowed system....
Everything You Need To Know About The Coming Minny-pocalypse
"When Favre changes the play at the line of scrimmage Childress bristles, even when the audible Favre calls works perfectly." Chilly's team is on the field. [ESPN]...
Bizarre Recruiting Hoax Fools None, Confuses All
A sad young man is accused of recruiting high school football players for East Carolina—a school he has no affiliation with and that has never heard of him. What could have been the point of this not-so-master plan?...
John Lackey's Wife Gets Her First, Uh... Taste Of Boston Nightlife
Krista Lackey has already scored her first mention in the Boston gossip pages after being spotted at a fancy restaurant—where one of Southie's finest puked on her fur coat. Pissah. [Boston Herald, via 3:10toJoba]...
Last Night's Winner: Shopping Malls
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the megasize temple of commerce that assaulted me with annoying children, terrible seasonal music and then took all my money. You win again, Christmas....
Happy Yulemas From The Pasty Basketball Elves
The Basketball Jones would like wish you a Merry Christmas (none of that Happy Holidays nonsense!) via everyone's favorite musical medium—NBA-themed caroling. Nothing says "jolly" like a Dirk Nowitzki dirge....
Yankees Hope To Revive Glory Days Of The First Half Of The 2004 ALCS
Javier Vazquez's last start for the New York Yankees left the franchise flying pretty darn high. Everything after that was a bit of a blur, but why not give it another whirl? Watch your hands, because this is a HOTFUCKINGSTOVE!...
Roy Halladay's "Dear John" Letter To Toronto
The Phillies' newest acquisition took out a full page ad in the Toronto Sun today to tell loyal Blue Jays fans, "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: Six million, if you count the greater metro area."...
Fox Robot Makes Perfect Stocking Stuffer For People You Hate
Someone is actually selling 10" action figures of Cleatus, the audience-enraging Fox football robot. Unless it's a voodoo doll I can stuff with dynamite to put us all out of our misery, I'm not interested. [Foamheads]...
Last Night's Winner: Tyreke Evans' Shorts
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Sacramento Kings, who showed up two-and-a-half quarters late (like the fans at a Miami Heat game) and still managed to pull out a win....
Grossman-Urlacher Love Affair Immortalized On Bar Room Wall
Visitors to Chicago's Hop Haus watering hole may be familiar with the mural honoring the Windy City's greatest sports legends. And also these goofballs....
Favre Is Like A Kid Arguing With His Parents At Toys-R-Us Out There
Fret not, Viking fans. I'm sure the sight of your quarterback arguing with—and then asserting his dominance over—your coach in the middle of Week 15 is no cause for alarm. All Super Bowl champs wilt in December, right?...
The Real Winner In The Tiger Woods Saga? Jackie Christie
"Oh, they laughed and lampooned....Some of the athletes who once snickered at the Christies are now seeking their advice. 'I wish he would've reached out,' Jackie says. 'I think we've stopped a lot of affairs.'" [Bloomberg]...
Joe McKnight's Car Daddy Is Not Making A Lot Of Sense
The LA Times reported this weekend that USC back Joe McKnight has been spotted tooling around campus in a car that does not belong to him. It’s okay, though, because the real owner has a totally batshit explanation for that....
Mike Tomlin Wins The Weekend
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Mike Tomlin, who managed to avoid joining the list of all-time bonehead coaches ever in the history of anything. Winning is helpful!...
How Tiger Woods Bought Off The National Enquirer
In one of the strangest twists of the Tiger Woods saga, it turns out that this whole public breakdown could have happened two years ago, if only Tiger hadn't cut a deal to squelch some "incriminating" photos back in 2007....