drewmagary Page 20 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
And Now, Some Incredible Things Your Pets Have Eaten
Last night my dog ate a shitload of flour off the floor when I spilled it, which seemed bad until I tweeted out the story and learned that readers’ pets have perpetrated far, far worse culinary crimes. Here now are some of the best:...
Are The Warriors The GOAT If They Complete A Sweep?
The Golden State Warriors stand on the brink of history this evening, poised to make an unprecedented clean sweep through the NBA playoffs and rendering all resistance futile. So I suppose it’s time to take the Talk Radio Summer Argument lockbox out of the attic, open it up, and ask: If the Warriors...
The NFL Machine Has Finally Beaten Colin Kaepernick<em></em>
This week, the Seahawks signed Austin Davis to back up Russell Wilson. I don’t need to tell you that Austin Davis is a shitty quarterback. He didn’t play a single snap in 2016, and in 2015 he started two games for Cleveland and promptly committed five turnovers. In terms of statistics, physical attr...
Is An Unbeaten Playoff Run More Impressive Than 73 Wins?
Your letters:...
The Nine Scariest-Ass Things About Owning A House<em></em>
I own a house and the thing about home ownership is that it is a lifetime project. At any given moment, there is something about the house that needs addressing. There is always a PROJECT, and some homeowners like having such projects. They like to constantly spruce things up and tend to the landsca...
Children And Sunscreen: A Guide To Summer Hell
Every year I look forward to summer before remembering that summer is, in fact, hell. There are bugs. There is swampass. There are bored children punching each other for sport. And there is suntan lotion. Ohhhhhh, suntan lotion. Oh how I DESPISE you with a concentrated fury. Is there a more necessar...
Beans, Ranked<em></em>
As you know, this site supposedly exists for the sake of juicy sports news and gossip, but what we REALLY do instead is rank random bullshit and start flame wars with those rankings. This week, that means we’re ranking beans. And I don’t mean bean dishes. I’m talking about the actual beans themselve...
Should NBA Games Play To A Score Instead Of A Clock?<em></em>
Your letters:...
IMPORTANT: I Would Not Bone A Vampire
Recently, I got into an argument with a series of colleagues surrounding the very simple question: If vampires were real, would you have sex with one?...
Will Cars Ever Die?<em></em>
Before we get into the Funbag, here are some quick announcements. First of all, I started a newsletter, which you can subscribe to here if you feel like doing that to yourself. Secondly, The Hike comes out in paperback on July 4. There will be a small tour, with the requisite drinking and merriment....
Humorless Butthole Roger Goodell Concludes That Fun Is Good<em></em>
Good news for you, valued NFL customer! After a string of long, pizza-less nights, and after a handful of forced interrogations with acceptably polite NFL players, and after Jerry Jones probably ordered him around for a bit, commissioner Roger Goodell would like you to know that the league has decid...
Walk: A Message To The Class Of 2017
It’s grad season again, and this year’s crop of commencement addresses promises to ring even more hollow than usual now that graduating seniors are leaving school to step into the End Times. I mean, really: what fucking good is gonna come from you hearing about working hard and/or growing from your ...
Should You Ever Feel Sorry For D.C. Sports Teams?
This was a normal spring for D.C. sports teams, with the Capitals choking away a 1-seed and the Wizards serving as early-round filler for the Eastern Conference. No D.C. sports team has made the conference/league finals in nearly two decades, and no D.C. team has won a title since 1991. But should t...
How The Wizards Ended Up With The Worst Team Name In Sports
Your letters:...
Down With Chef Worship<em></em>
Last month, celebrated Danish chef René Redzepi opened up a pop-up restaurant in Tulum, Mexico. This restaurant will only be open for seven weeks. Dinner costs $600 and lasts well past midnight. You will not eat at this restaurant. You will not even come close to ever being able to eat at this resta...
Racist Boston Sports Fans Are Very Much A Boston Problem
By now, you know that Adam Jones was subjected to racial taunts at Fenway Park earlier this week. I honestly thought this was a fairly open-and-shut, easily-condemned case of fan misconduct. But ohhhhhhhh, oh how I was mistaken. Dear reader, you should never, EVER underestimate the hilarious defensi...
The Penguins Are Flopping Shitbirds
The Capitals lost to the Penguins last night, and the final nail in the coffin for Washington came at the very end, when their attempt to pull goalie Braden Holtby for a man advantage was thwarted when the refs called high sticking on T.J. Oshie…...
