drewmagary Page 29 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
What Is The Best Room For Holding An Orgy?
You may have heard that Tinder is testing out a new multi-person swipe function called Tinder Social that will, presumably, allow the nation’s swingers easier access to orgy participants and orgy planning. But how will YOU prepare for this erotic, utopian future where people are fucking in groups an...
The NFL’s Desperation For Quarterbacks Is Destroying Quarterbacks
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Preorder his new book here....
Does An Intentional Walk Ruin A No-Hitter?
Okay, so before I get into the Funbag, some quick appearance news. I’m gonna be at this big Towson sports career speaker series on draft night. It’s at the Greene Turtle (CLASSY), and open to the public. Also, next month, I’m gonna read the first couple of chapters from The Hike over at the Howard C...
Widehawks Look Terrible
We’re at the point now where the wide Mohawk haircut—clean-shaven on the sides, business at the back, party size of your choice up top—has become a staple hairstyle for athletes all over the world. But why? Why the fuck have so many athletes decided to rock extreme negburns and walk around looking l...
The 32 Most Memorable Quotes From <i>Avatar</i>
Yesterday, director and planet-eater James Cameron announced his intentions to make not one, not two, but FOUR sequels to 2009's Avatar, the second-highest-grossing film of all time. In the wake of that announcement, there was a fake quote passed around, with Cameron stating that one of the reasons ...
Let’s Talk About Proper Grammatical Usage Of The Word "Porn"
This week, a Deadcast listener sent in a question about using the word “porn” versus the word “porno.” And even though NO ONE uses the term “porno” anymore except old bros like me who pine for the porno-y days of the 1980s, I am of the firm belief that those two words do NOT mean the same thing, and...
Your Last-Minute, Pants-Shitting Guide To Taxes
Oh holy living fuck, Tax Day is Monday! Have you filed yet? Do you owe penalties? SHIT YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING JAIL. You better run. I know a place in Mexico where you can lie low for a bit while the Feds go searching for you. It’ll buy you the time you need, and then you can jump a shipping freight...
ESPN's Insane Adam LaRoche Puff Piece Features LaRoche Liberating Sex Slaves
ESPN’s Tim Keown did a deep dive on former White Sox 1B/DH Adam LaRoche today, the kind of purple-hued schlongread that purports to tell you the REAL STORY of LaRoche’s decision to walk away from baseball after White Sox boss Ken Williams asked him to stop bringing his son to the ballpark every day....
And Now, A Dramatic Reading Of Sam Hinkie’s Batshit Resignation Letter
Sixers GM Sam Hinkie unexpectedly resigned yesterday and left behind a rambling, legitimately nutzoid 13-page letter that I hope will serve as a giant blinking warning sign to any future employer of his, be it an NBA team (fat chance) or an investment firm or the sales force at Lyft, which is where ...
Of Course Adam Schefter Bought Into Greg Hardy's Bullshit
By now you know that Greg Hardy sat down for a VERY SERIOUS conversation with ESPN this week and turded up the joint the way only Greg Hardy can. He denied any wrongdoing, insinuated that these pictures could have been manipulated, and tossed in an empty Bible shout-out for good measure. Keep in min...
Walmart Fucks Up Maryland Shirt; Literally Truthers The Shape Of Maryland
In case you missed it last week, an enterprising Twitter user pointed out to Walmart that they were selling University of Maryland shirts with the nickname TERPS jammed into what is clearly an outline of Massachusetts:...
The Dadspin Explainer: Hitler
Here at Dadspin, we understand how difficult it is to explain certain subjects to your children. This is why we’ve created Dadspin Explainer, a handy running guide to teaching your children about really horrible shit. ...
What It’s Like To Be Protested
I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I was standing on the steps of Oviatt Library at Cal State Northridge, giving a speech to all the incoming freshmen as part of the university’s formal convocation. (Quick acknowledgment: Yes, this actually happened, so you are now free to dump on me for being a...
What Chair Has Been Farted In The Most?
Chairs! They’re soft and comfortable and they provide the perfect acoustic backdrop for a good, solid round of farting. But what chair has been farted in the most over time? Can you even NAME a famous chair without cheating? Is an uninformed discussion about chair farts worth your time at all? THAT ...
An Incomplete Treasury Of Great Phife Dawg Lyrics
Malik “Phife Dawg” Taylor of A Tribe Called Quest died yesterday at the age of 45. And as someone who went to college in the 1990s, I am obligated by law to tell you that A Tribe Called Quest was by far my favorite hip hop group, and that their shit still holds up to this day. But there’s nothing I ...
The Best Places To Urinate Outside, Ranked
Before we get deep into the bowels of the Funbag, one quick note: I’m out next week on Spring Break with my kids. This will not be like your Spring Break. Your Spring Break will be in Lake Havasu surrounded by fruity drinks and horny twentysomethings. I, on the other hand, will be stuck in Virginia ...