drewmagary Page 4 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Most Exciting Incidental Things To Happen At A Sporting Event, Ranked
I went with my family to a collegiate summer league baseball game last week, because tickets were cheap and because we needed a decent excuse to leave the house. If you’ve ever been to a summer league game—or to a much bigger professional sporting event—you know that there are things that occur with...
I Cannot Play On The Fucking Floor With These Kids One More Second
Today, we’re talking about moats, supercross, onions, Texas, and more....
You’re Not Sticking To Sports When You Stick To Sports
We live in an age of mass cowardice, and so it’s unsurprising that the PGA—that famed bastion of sporting tolerance—would not only charge ahead with staging a major tournament at a Trump-owned golf course, but also that they would limply try to have it both ways by consigning the President’s flagran...
Could A Dog Win The Hot Dog Eating Contest?
Today, we’re talking about subtitles, dad shoes, sexy words, pot luck, stray penis hairs, and more....
Please, I Ask You All, Murder Me With Butter
Just in time for July 4th, Michelin-starred chef and angry British person Gordon Ramsay made the below YouTube video to show you how to grill a hamburger. Why you would trust this man to make you a proper burger over Ron Swanson, I do not know. Why Ramsay needs a full 10 minutes to show you how he d...
What's The Best Time To Wake Up?
Today, we’re talking about pizza, garbage, morning radio, college email addresses, and more....
God Man, Fuck You Bret Stephens
In case you were busy actually enjoying your weekend, Jordan Peterson celebrity cruise attendant Bret Stephens went ahead and ruined everyone else’s by scribbling out a bunch of racist bumper sticker slogans in the New York Times. And this time, ol’ Bret did so without the veneer of preciousness tha...
Spring Football Will Never Work And Charlie Ebersol Sure As Hell Wasn't The Man To Do It
Last week, Seth Wickersham of ESPN published a thorough and damning tick-tock of the conception and near-instant immolation of the Alliance of American Football, a spring football league founded by Charlie Ebersol. If Ebersol’s last name rings a bell, it’s with good reason. He’s the son of former NB...
I Can’t Tell Who The Fuck Is Joking Anymore
Today, we’re talking about airport eating, shower clogs, germophobes, and more....
FOX U.S. Open Coverage Takes Time Out To Glorify How Fucked Up Carmel Is
Yesterday Gary Woodland and his MAGA-friendly spikes held off golfing Terminator Brooks Koepka and won the U.S. Open. It was a classic example of a formerly unknown player revealing himself as a bloodless, stress-proof killer over the course and spending four days fending off all comers for a first ...
Why Your Children's Television Program Sucks: <i>The Garfield Show</i>
A look at the awful children’s programming you’re forced to endure before you can finally kick the kids out of the TV room to watch sports for eight hours. Image by Jim Cooke....
Hear Me Out: Trump Speech Karaoke
I came within a bladed edge of red death when I went out for karaoke one night last winter, but I do not hold that against karaoke. Karaoke is good sloppy fun, and it gives me a chance to dazzle the world with my signature rendition of “Purple Rain.” Our own Samer Kalaf once led a singalong of “Smoo...
Fuck Your Asterisk
I heard someone on sports talk radio the other day say that if the Raptors pulled out a win in these NBA Finals, fans would forget about what exactly happened to Golden State during the series—he made this supposition after Kevin Durant’s calf rolled up but before Klay Thompson’s knee buckled like a...
Google's Smart Compose Is Shitty And Definitely Evil
Not satisfied with foisting predictive text and Smart Replies upon an unsuspecting public, Google rolled out a new Smart Compose feature for mobile Gmail two months ago that, like your significant other interrupting you, storms right ahead and puts words in your mouth. Like so:...
Small-Town America Features, Ranked
Today, we’re talking about Steve Kerr, pillow talk, neglected foodstuffs, and more....
Which Ear Is Your Phone Ear?
I recently became deaf in my right ear thanks to a sudden brain hemorrhage, which is a freakish life-threatening injury that I highly recommend avoiding. The good news out of this, apart from me not being dead, is that it turns out my surviving left ear is my phone ear. I didn’t even realize it was ...
This Hail Mary Replay Tweak Will Go Over Like A Hard Fart
I wish they had thrown that flag in the NFC title game. I wish this because the Rams’ Nickell Robey-Coleman committed obvious pass interference. But I also wish it because flagging the Rams on that play would have allowed Saints coach Sean Payton to blow the game on his own merits—something he was a...
Let’s Do It. Let’s All Eat Salad With A Fuckin’ Spoon
Today, we’re talking about parsing online reviews, new candy bars, battered fries, oddly named Pennsylvania burgs, and more....
James Holzhauer Was The <i>Jeopardy!</i> GOAT
You can tell that Jeopardy! is a perfectly devised game format when even James Holzhauer can lose at it. Holzhauer’s streak of 32 consecutive victories on the show came to an end on Monday, when he nailed the Final Jeopardy answer (Who is Christopher Marlowe, whom Holzhauer referred to by the nickna...
Hear Me Out: Infinite-Field Baseball Games
A few weeks ago, I was reading this interview with architectural critic Paul Goldberger about baseball stadiums in America when I stumbled upon a reminder from Goldberger that doubles as a breathtaking conversation piece for stoners all across the land:...