drewmagary Page 58 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Greatest Doink The Clown Story Ever
Former wrestler Matt Osborne—aka Doink the Clown—died a few days ago. Justin Halpern, bestselling author and co-creator of the upcoming Fox sitcom Surviving Jack, told us this story about working with Doink way back in 1998. Halpern believes the Doink mentioned here is Osborne, but given that Doin...
How Do You Ask Someone To Trim Their Pubic Hair?
Whoa hey, it's 4th of July week! Time to take the kids to the town fireworks celebration, fail to find a decent spot on the grass, get eaten by bugs, pull my hair out as the fireworks display starts two hours later than I want it to, and then watch half a firework explode from behind some asshole's ...
Dear Columnists: Enough With This “Patriot Way” Bullshit
It's been a while since we did a proper fisking of a terrible piece of sportswriting. Actually, we probably did it a few hours ago, but no matter: This putrid column from ESPN's Ashley Fox deserves special recognition. Fox, whose archive reads like a First Take producer's brainstorming session, has ...
The Time Has Come For Dan Snyder To Change His Name
Times change, people. There once was a day in America when the idea of two gay men openly marrying seemed absurd. There was once a day in America when segregation was the law of the land. But the arc of the moral universe bends toward justice, and today we no longer tolerate evil that in another er...
Which Are The Hardest American Sports To Break Into?
I was on a flight earlier this week when the cabin pressure changed and my ears popped. So I did the normal thing where you swallow five hundred times in a row and hope no one notices you swallowing so profusely, and nothing happened. My eardrums still felt like they were buried under a pile of sand...
What's The Proper Way To Seat Two Couples At A Sporting Event?
I've been traveling a lot lately, and since I'm Mister Big Fancypants Author Person, I've been put up in nice hotels—the kind of boutique hotels where, if my parents were staying there, they wouldn't be able to figure out how to turn the lights on and shit. And the remarkable thing about these hotel...
Shushing Your Kid Is Idiotic
I have three children and they are loud. Just so fucking loud. They're the loudest creatures on the face of the Earth, howler monkeys included. ...
Never Give Your Kid A Cold Shower: Advice From The Worst Dad On Earth
Excerpted from Someone Could Get Hurt: A Memoir of Twenty-First-Century Parenthood, which makes a great Father's Day gift for foul-mouthed dads everywhere....
The Four Most Punchable Faces In Human History
Before we get to the Funbag, some notes of vital interest. If you're in New York tomorrow night, I'll be doing Scott Rogowsky's Running Late show over in Brooklyn. It's like a live talk show-type thing. You can buy tickets here. You get a free beer (not kidding) if you mention Deadspin at the door, ...
Fuck You, Bill Belichick
I was close, Bill Belichick. I was thissss close to spending an entire NFL season free of Tebowmania, or Tebow Time, or whatever fucking brand stamp ESPN decides to put on all its coverage of the Jesusback. I was really looking forward to it, too. I was gonna watch every game safe in the knowledg...
Never Go To Jail On A Boat, And Other Kid Rock Cruise Lessons
I went on a five-day Kid Rock-themed cruise for GQ, which you can read all about right here. And if you read that article and you’re all like, “Rednecks and Kid Rock music and confined spaces at sea? THAT’S FOR ME!,” I must warn you that these cruises are NOT all-inclusive. You pay for booze, amigo....
The Eight Most Important Organs In The Male Body
I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw the most anorexic woman that I’ve ever seen in my life. We’re talking P.O.W.-thin. Her cheeks were grafted to her skull. She wore size–0 pants that hung off of her. Her arms were no thicker than curtain rods. It was one of the most haunting things I...
Is The Scripps National Spelling Bee Evil?
NATIONAL HARBOR, Md.—That fucking bell. There’s always a split-second between the moment a contestant at the Scripps National Spelling Bee finishes a word and the moment that bell rings out, and in that split-second you can see everything: panic, fear, terror, embarrassment, denial, anger ... all of...
Why Your Children's Television Program Sucks: <em>Super Why!</em>
A look at the awful children’s programming you’re forced to endure before you can finally kick the kids out of the TV room to watch sports for eight hours. Image by Jim Cooke....
Bill Simmons Thinks Memphis Fans Get Tense Because MLK Was Shot There
For many years now, Bill Simmons has positioned himself as a kind of ULTRA fan. He's not simply the voice of the fan anymore. He is more fan than you. He understands fandom in a way that you could not possibly understand. He understands that when fans get loud, things are going well! And when fans ...
What If The President Were A Cokehead?
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering big dicks, broken jaws, uneaten cupcakes, and more. Image by Jim Cooke....