drewmagary Page 59 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
How To Be Completely Useless In A Medical Emergency
I was at the airport on Sunday night and I was in line at the Hudson News kiosk to buy a banana, and just as I got to the front of the line, a guy nearby shouted "MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN! CALL 911!" This big huge guy had collapsed and people were flocking around him, including the kiosk attendants. A fir...
How To Give A Best Man Toast That Doesn't Suck
We got this email the other day from reader Alex. It's the kind of email we get a lot round these parts:...
The <em>Someone Could Get Hurt</em> Live Funbag
If you've hung around the site for the past week, you're well aware that the Book-Whore-O-Bot 5000 has been booted up to help raise awareness for this book. I know this can be annoying. I know that, by the end of this week, you'll be like: "God, I'm so sick of that Drew. He can go fall off a fucking...
The Hater's Guide To Other Parents
I am not the greatest parent in the world. In fact, I wrote an entire book coming out today that indisputably proves that statement. I have been arrested. I have yelled at my children. I have experimented with odd forms of corporal punishment. And I have conspired with my children to commit petty mi...
You're Fucked, But You're Free: A Message To The Class Of 2013
It's May, which means it's time once again for actors and writers and politicians and whatever Thomas Friedman is to hit the graduation circuit and hold senior classes hostage for hours and hours in 85-degree heat. These grad speeches are little more than TED talks in funny hats. Trust me: One day...
Who Would Be Our Go-To Villain If Hitler Had Never Existed?
Are you gonna be in Austin, Texas, next Monday? Oh well, do I have a treat for you: ME, READING OUT LOUD. It's just like a lecture, only I never look up. Tell me you aren't enthused. You could even bring a date and then watch her storm out of the bookstore 10 minutes later! The reading starts at 7 p...
Searching For Anything But Bobby Fischer At School Scrabble Nationals
There are 45 tables set up down in Exhibit Hall C of the Woodley Park Marriott in Washington, D.C., a hotel roughly the size of the Pentagon. Each table has a black tablecloth, a Diamond Anniversary Edition Scrabble board, a crushed velvet tile bag, two racks, four all-purpose banquet chairs (able ...
Bill Simmons Is Sad About The Sports Emmys, So We Made A Prize For Him
It breaks our hearts whenever a big-name writerer—someone like Bill Simmons, or Chris Jones, or Jason Whitlock—doesn't get the temporal recognition from an elite sliver of elite opinion that he (and it's always he) demands. These men DESERVE their awards. They DESERVE to be showered in garlands and ...
Titus Young Will Take A Nap In Your AT&T Store
Titus Young isn't the kind of player to flame out in half-assed fashion. Oh no no no, when the man goes full turd, he REALLY goes full turd. And now here's a story from reader Ryan Randolph in which Titus Sr. takes his career immolation to another level by doing the whole Reese Witherspoon bit: ...
All The Best Quotes From The American Hero Who Rescued Amanda Berry
This is Charles Ramsey, Cleveland resident and the man who dialed 911 after coming to the aid of Amanda Berry, a woman who had been abducted and held hostage by three brothers for over 10 years. Charles Ramsey is awesome. Listen as he describes the situation. Pay no attention to what appears to be ...
UWGB Hoops Coach Brian Wardle Will Make You Run Until You Poop
It takes a special kind of asshole coach to make you run hills until you vomit. But it takes an even MORE special kind of asshole coach to make you run hills until you shit your pants and then mock you all season long for shitting your pants. That's the accusation leveled against UW-Green Bay men's ...
Why Does It Matter If Jason Collins Is A "Bad" Pro Basketball Player?
Right behind the army of people congratulating Jason Collins for coming out today was a smaller army of dedicated wiseasses who were determined to remind you that Jason Collins has had a rather unremarkable 12-year NBA career....
Everyone Sucks At The NFL Draft. That's The Best Thing About It.
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew’s book, Someone Could Get Hurt, here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed....
