drewmagary Page 73 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The NFL Draft Has Eaten The World
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. ...
The Dirty Secrets Of A Sports Arena, As Revealed By A Drunk Stadium Employee Emailing Us At 5:30 P.M.
Last month, I got an email from a guy who works Lightning games at the Tampa Bay Times Forum. Our informant was piss drunk and looking for a place to vent about his job. It will shock and stun you to learn that stadium arenas do not operate like they did on that one Matthew Perry sitcom. I'll let ou...
How A White Person Gets His Hair Cut In America Today
I went to get my hair cut the other day. I meant to get it cut a month earlier, but my wife went into early labor and had a kid and the kid had to stay in the NICU forever and there's no good time in the middle of all that to be like, "Excuse me, guys. Daddy needs some time for Daddy at the beauty p...
Why Did We Ever Think Ron Artest Was Interesting?
I was one of those Internet people who participated in the rebranding of Ron Artest when he arrived in L.A. a couple years ago. I wrote a sidebar to this Maxim article that branded Artest as the NBA's most lovable goofball, an article included bullshit quotes like this one from Phil Jackson:...
Czech Women Will Use You As A Bodyguard
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
Which Celebrity Would Be The Best To Eat?
A lot of people wrote in last week in response this Dadspin post, particularly other dads who had been through similar situations. I don't really have a good place to post these letters—seems inappropriate to put letters about endangered babies in a feature called DEAD LETTERS—but I just wanted to s...
Pain Is A Gift, And Other Notes From A Terrified Father During A Seven-Week-Premature Birth
When the baby cried, I knew it wasn't gonna die. They had just pulled my son out of my wife and whisked him over to one of those fancy hotel pans that you put newborns in, and there was a brief moment when he said nothing, which you don't want. You want the baby to cry. You want confirmation that th...
The Restorative Power Of The Chick-Fil-A Banana Pudding Milkshake
I've had a bad week. Not just a normal bad week, where you stub your toe and your DVR forgets to record Best Sex Ever or something like that. I mean, a legitimate bad week, where your loved ones are hospitalized and you crash your car into an illegal immigrant while going TO the hospital to visit yo...
Cockblocked By The SDSU Aztec!
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
Shitting While Skydiving: A Physics Experiment
I apologize for not posting yesterday's Funbag on time. Due to various circumstances, you only get a half Funbag today, and I may have to work a limited schedule this month. But fear not: Everything will be back to normal soon. If by normal, you mean talking about hypothetical superpowers and poopin...
It’s Always More Fun When When It’s Your Wife Vomiting
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
Gentlemen, Please Stop Crushing Vaginas
I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, and at some point during our conversation, we both agreed that the epidemic of American brosephs "crushing" and "killing" things has gotten way out of hand....
Great Moments In Bedroom Pratfalls
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
In Order To Save Football, Roger Goodell Will Destroy It
Roger Goodell suspended Saints head coach Sean Payton for the entire 2012 season today. Of course he did. After all, what better way to get sportswriter after sportswriter to bow down in AWE of your far-reaching authority than to hand down a wildly severe punishment to someone who dares defy the com...
The Five Major Nonsexual Male Daydreams
I was at the airport last night and I lost big at Rental Car Roulette. I kept waiting for my rental car company's shuttle to show up as wave after wave of other, better companies had busses whizzing by every six seconds. I must have seen 37 Hertz buses while I stood out there like a GASH. You will p...
What Happens When A 35-Year-Old Man Retakes The SAT?
I took the SAT a grand total of one time when I was in dipshit prep school. This was 1993. Like any other kid, I wanted to do well on the test, primarily so that I would NEVER have to take it again, but also because kids at my school were real dicks about their SAT scores. You'd hear through the gra...
John Elway Has Brass Balls
Whether or not you agree with an NFL team handing a potential $60 million in guarantees to a guy who has neck leprosy, I think that we can come to a consensus on one thing: John Elway has really big balls. HUGE balls. Balls the size of light bulbs. His balls are so big, you could harvest stem cells ...
Cockblocked On St. Patrick's Day!
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....