miserableshitehawk Page 16 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Hey, Look At That, Dallas Keuchel Has Landed With The Braves

Former Astros ace Dallas Keuchel was the last man standing from the grueling free agency winter of hell that followed the 2018 season. Craig Kimbrel, the other glaringly overqualified but evidently unemployable pitcher, landed with the Cubs Wednesday night; Thursday night, at last, Keuchel scored a ...

Report: Coaches Wasted 25 Minutes Before Calling Paramedics In Heat Stroke Death Of Junior College Football Player

Football coaches at Garden City Community College, a prominent junior college program in Kansas that has played in two of the last three NJCAA championship games, reportedly delayed for 25 minutes before contacting paramedics after finding 19-year-old Braeden Bradforth collapsed outside his dorm las...

This Is Why Kyle Lowry Was So Pissed

Early in the fourth quarter of Toronto’s Game 3 road victory over the Warriors, play was held up for a minute while Kyle Lowry appeared to scold either a Warriors fan or multiple Warriors fans or the referees or arena security, or all of the above. Upon review, it appeared that Lowry was pissed beca...

Raptors Snatch Back Home-Court Advantage With Game 3 Beatdown Of Gutted Warriors

There may be no satisfying takeaway from Toronto’s Game 3 123–109 victory over the Warriors in Oakland, beyond the completely obvious reminder that however great Steph Curry is, he cannot beat an NBA Finals team completely by himself. Steve Kerr held Klay Thompson out of the action, and so the Warri...

Craig Kimbrel Finally Lands A Job, Joins Cubs

It took all the way until June 5, but finally, finally, one of the handful of best closers in baseball has landed a job. Per Ken Rosenthal of The Athletic, Craig Kimbrel has reached an agreement to join the NL Central-leading Chicago Cubs on a multiyear deal:...

Lost Canadian Tourists-Ass Basketball Team Needs Urgent Lift From Marin County To Oakland

Brewers Utility Man Hernán Pérez Pitches Delightful, YouTube-Inspired 1-2-3 Inning

Normally I would not ask you to pay attention to a late half-inning in a 16–0 June blowout, where pretty much by definition nothing that happens matters in the slightest. This is no normal half-inning! First of all the pitcher is Brewers utility man Hernán Pérez, making his second appearance on the ...

Help Me Figure Out Which Team Scored 11 Runs In One Inning In Marlins-Brewers

The Miami Marlins opened a series against the Milwaukee Brewers Tuesday night, in Milwaukee. The Brewers come into the series sitting atop the NL Central; the last-place, aggressively “rebuilding” Marlins come into the series having scored the fewest total runs in baseball and 35 fewer runs than the...

Umpire Mike Everitt Leaves Game After Taking 95-MPH Fastball To The Chest

Umpire Mike Everitt was working home plate in the bottom of the third inning of Tuesday night’s White Sox-Nationals game when a 95-mph fastball from Reynaldo López somehow missed both Trea Turner’s bat and catcher James McCann’s glove and smashed directly into his breast pocket, obliterating the pen...

Adrien Broner Sued Over 2018 Sexual Assault Incident, No, Not That One, Another One

Welterweight boxer and all-around shitheel Adrien Broner is being sued in Ohio by a woman he sexually assaulted in a club in Cleveland in June 2018. For those keeping score at home, this is at least the second incident from the first half of 2018 where Broner was arrested for allegedly attacking and...

Poor Injured Hiker Subjected To Nightmarish Helicopter Rescue From Hell

This probably isn’t the worst helicopter rescue of all time, but it’s enough to make a person consider whether it wouldn’t be preferable to die of exposure on a desert mountain, slowly baking to death under a relentless sun....

Andrew McCutchen Injures Knee In Stupid, Fluky, Unfair, Stupid Rundown [Update]

If a player is going to be injured on the bases, you’d prefer it come from legging out a triple, or barreling into a catcher, or wrapping an arm around a middle infielder on a head-first slide into second base. A perfectly pointless and avoidable rundown between first and second is not at all an occ...

Blues Even Up Stanley Cup Final With Impressive Schooling Of Bruins

Folks! Once again we’ve got ourselves a series! As in their stirring overtime Game 2 win in Boston, the Blues responded to having their doors blown off in a dispiriting loss with a feisty 4–2 win Monday to even things up at two games apiece. ...

Kevon Looney's Cartilage Injury Makes Warriors' Title Hunt That Much More Absurd [CORRECTED]

What was initially described somewhat confusingly as a “sprained collarbone” for Warriors center Kevon Looney has, upon further inspection, been revealed as a fracture. Looney, an underrated non-star contributor for the Golden State Warriors, seems unlikely to return for the rest of the NBA Finals....

Kawhi Leonard Sues Nike, Says They Stole Control Of His Original Logo Design

Kawhi Leonard has sued Nike, the apparel company with whom he recently ended an endorsement contract, over control of the “Klaw” logo used to identify his branded merchandise. Kawhi says he provided the logo to Nike, and that Nike’s claim to ownership of the logo is based upon an underhanded move to...

Trevor Rosenthal Pitching Update: Look Out!

Scattershot Nationals reliever Trevor Rosenthal was sent to the injured list back on April 26, two days after his last outing, another alarming disasterpiece in what is shaping up to be a nightmare of a season. The official line at the time was that Rosenthal had a stomach virus that caused weight l...

Raptors Fight Off Every Warriors Push To Grab A Comfortable Game 1 Victory

In retrospect, we had a pretty solid indication that things were turning Toronto’s way in the build up to their Game 1 victory over the Warriors:...

Drake Tries Very Hard To Pretend He Doesn't Have Steph Curry And Kevin Durant's Jersey Numbers Tattooed On His Body

The world was very nearly spared a couple week’s worth of energetic Drake sightings Thursday night, when Andre Iguodala of the Golden State Warriors went careening into the sidelines late in the first half of Game 1 of the NBA Finals. Iguodala missed hurling the bulk of his giant NBA frame into the ...

Scottie Pippen Adds Preschooler To Pending Tenant Lawsuit, Alleging Crayon Abuses

Scottie Pippen has added a 5-year-old child to a tenant lawsuit alleging that Pippen’s Fort Lauderdale, Florida home was wrecked up and defiled by, among other things, chaotic crayon and marker scribblings....

Is This Abandoned Beer Or Fresh Piss?

ESPN hockey analyst Greg Wyshynski was on-hand for St. Louis’s stirring 3–2 overtime win over the dreaded Bruins in Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Final Wednesday night. Afterward, Wyshynski shot the following Blair Witch-style blurry video of two completely full cups of what he described as beer, tucked...