miserableshitehawk Page 34 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Report: Anonymous Executive Says "That Whole Anthem Issue" Will Keep Bruce Maxwell Out Of Baseball
Former Athletic Bruce Maxwell is currently without a team, and is distressed enough about it that he recently fired his agent. Teams need catchers—it seems like half the league is circling around Marlins catcher J.T. Realmuto—and Maxwell is a catcher, and while he would be exactly no one’s idea of a...
Pacers Fans Play The Most Infuriating Game Of Tic-Tac-Toe In Human History
Be warned: What you are about to see will trouble your dreams for years to come. What the fuck. Two Indiana Pacers fans squared off in a game of tic-tac-toe, and the results are just fucking mind-boggling....
Imagine Your Boss Is Michael Jordan, And Imagine He's Angry Enough To Hit You
The Hornets came back from a 12-point second-half deficit to topple the Detroit Pistons Wednesday night, by the score of 108–107. The ending was dramatic: the Hornets went on a 13–0 run to go from down 101-91 with about six minutes on the clock to up 104-101 with 47 seconds left in regulation. The ...
Spencer Dinwiddie Channels His Inner Steph Curry, Torches The 76ers
Spencer Dinwiddie is a good basketball man with a good name and a slick, good-looking offensive game. He’s spent all but the first 46 games of his four-plus years in the NBA on miserable, rebuilding Brooklyn teams, which means neither his fun basketball skills nor his delightful personality have got...
Former NBPA Union President And New Sparks Head Coach Derek Fisher Joins Up With A Shady Luxury Lending Outfit
Longtime NBA guard, controversial Players Association president, and failed Knicks coach Derek Fisher has reportedly joined up with a shady alternative lender that targets professional athletes and other “high-net-worth individuals and families” who find themselves challenged by the “burdensome and ...
Kawhi Leonard Has No Time For Your Damn Holiday Cheer
This is so good. A reporter in the scrum ahead of tonight’s Raptors-Clippers game thought it would be a good idea to ask the famously loquacious and good-humored Kawhi Leonard to recall his favorite Christmas memory. Kawhi’s answer is just the most curmudgeonly thing....
“Two days ago, the last word on Harold Baines would have been that he had no real shortcomings. Today, he’s been reduced to nothing but shortcomings. If the committee wanted to respect what he accomplished, it should have left him alone.” Tom Scocca on Baines deserving better than the Hall of Fame....
Goal Disallowed After Puck Ricochets Off Unfortunate Referee's Dick And Balls
The Florida Panthers are up on the St. Louis Blues by the score of 1–0 in the second period Tuesday night. The score looked for a moment like it would be tied at one goal apiece, after Blues defenseman Robert Bortuzzo beat Roberto Luongo in, um, unconventional fashion:...
Jimmy Butler: I Pooped On My Timberwolves Teammates Even Worse Than You Thought
New 76er and true cheesebutt Jimmy Butler appeared on teammate JJ Redick’s podcast this week, where he discussed, among other things, the circumstances of his exit from the Timberwolves. That’s a terribly cursed sentence, given what it describes, but these are two provolone-ass individuals, before w...
Bulls Rudely Mocked For Jim Boylen's Practice Schedule Following Another Ugly Loss
Fresh off an air-clearing series of meetings having to do with interim head coach Jim Boylen being an overbearing dickweed, the lowly Bulls took the floor Monday night looking to reverse course after a historic beatdown. Their opponent, the Kings, is another team that was supposed to spend this seas...
Russell Wilson, What, And Why, And What
The Seahawks went into halftime of their Monday Night Football clash against the Vikings* holding a 3–0 lead. It wasn’t a real pretty half of football. Kirk Cousins and Russell Wilson combined for 71 yards of passing on 20 attempts, and the teams put together exactly two drives of anything that cou...
Nationals Somehow Add New Layers Of Humiliation To Loss Of Bryce Harper
The Nationals have historically acquitted themselves far better in free agency than their fellow DC professional sports teams, at least two of whom are excruciatingly awful at signing players. But in their hurry to announce their franchise-altering failure to retain Bryce Harper, they appear to have...
The Knicks Are Patting Frank Ntilikina's Head And Telling Him To Wait Over Here While Mommy Rings The Convent Doorbell
To the surprise of not one single person on earth, a Knicks team missing Kristaps Porzingis and giving major rotation minutes to all of Tim Hardaway Jr., Mario Hezonja, and Emmanuel Mudiay sucks major ass and is losing lots of games. They’ve dropped two in a row and four of five, and they’ve got the...
Washington's Quarterback Situation Goes From Bad To Worse To Josh Johnson
The Skins tried out several lumpy castoffs after Alex Smith’s injury—including EJ Manuel, Kellen Clemens, Josh Johnson, and TJ Yates—before settling on Mark Sanchez, who didn’t play a down of football last season. Now, with fill-in starter Colt McCoy also out, and Sanchez suddenly the starter, the t...
Nikola Jokic Is An Artist
The Nuggets beat the Raptors in Toronto Monday night, by the score of 106—103. This was the East’s best team by record against the West’s best team by record, and though it didn’t get the hype of Friday’s “Finals preview” matchup, both teams were at full strength, and both teams are rolling, and tha...
Colt McCoy Injury Opens Door For Mark Sanchez, With Predictable Results
The Colt McCoy era in Washington came to an abrupt halt Monday night, when McCoy suffered a broken leg against the Philadelphia Eagles and all but certainly ended his season. It happened fast, and McCoy tried to play on it for another two downs, but eventually it became obvious he couldn’t continue....
Dopey Team Does Cool Thing
The Wizards, who are extremely butt, are beating the Knicks in New York Monday night. The Knicks are also extremely butt, but unlike the Wizards, they have several perfectly good excuses—Kristaps Porzingis is out, Mitchell Robinson and Kevin Knox are in, and Emmanuel Mudiay is starting at point guar...