miserableshitehawk Page 5 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Just Tim Tebow Hootin' And Hollerin' About "Selfish Culture" On <i>First Take</i>

Future Mets All-Star Tim Tebow was on First Take Friday morning to talk with Stephen A. Smith and Max Kellerman about California’s legislative push to allow college athletes to profit from endorsements. That’s really as much information as you need to know that this was a brutally unpleasant few mi...

Interminable Mike Pereira Rules Monologue Interrupted Several Times By Ghastly Football

The NFL’s got to clean this crap up. The Thursday night game between the Panthers and Buccaneers was already a hellish, dismal slog, featuring punchless, amateurish offense run by a pair of deeply disinterested quarterbacks. Then the fourth quarter rolled around, and what might’ve otherwise been at ...

Washington's Running Back Conflict Resolves Itself In Characteristically Grim, Destructive Fashion

Washington running back Derrius Guice missed his entire rookie season after suffering a knee injury during his first career preseason game. This year, Guice injured his other knee in his first career regular season game, and is expected to miss only half the year. If he keeps this pattern up, the th...

Report: Spencer Dinwiddie Gives Me A Migraine With Complex-Sounding Contract Conversion Plans

Spencer Dinwiddie, a cool basketball man, is planning to sell bonds secured by his contract with the Brooklyn Nets in order to raise up-front investment capital, or anyway that is how I have chosen to make sense of this gobbledygook-ass report from Shams Charania of The Athletic....

Someone Wanted A Johnny Manziel Jersey Bad Enough To Steal One From A Museum

The Texas A&M campus police asked for help Thursday afternoon identifying a “person of interest” in the theft of the uniform of NFL bust and CFL flameout Johnny Manziel, last seen having a cup of coffee with the now defunct Alliance of American Football. The uniform was reportedly stolen from A&M’s ...

LeBron James’s foolish and annoying effort to trademark the phrase “Taco Tuesday” was rejected by the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office on Wednesday, on the grounds that those words in that combination are a “commonplace message” and therefore do not function as a trademark. ...

Dwight Howard Has A Purple Car For The Most Dwight Howard Of Reasons

There are plenty of perfectly good reasons to enjoy the color purple. Among them, I look quite fetching in purple shirts, which is no small matter. It’s a lovely color. If I tell you that Dwight Howard enjoys the color purple, right away you are going to assume that it’s for a dumb and bad reason. W...

Report: Triple Crown Winner Justify Failed Drug Test Ahead Of Kentucky Derby

Explosive news out of the world of horse racing today: Justify, the colt that ruined the mystique of one of sports’ all-time legendary feats last summer, reportedly tested positive for a performance enhancing substance in the weeks ahead of the Kentucky Derby. Under the rules in place at the time, J...

New Orleans Radio Station Posts, Deletes Tweet Calling Its Own Sports Talk Host "A Fag"

Seth Dunlap is the host of weeknight sports show The Last Lap With Seth Dunlap on talk radio station WWL-AM, the radio home of the LSU Tigers and the New Orleans Saints. Last week, he wrote an open Facebook letter to Saints QB Drew Brees, discussing Brees’s video for Focus on the Family and subseque...

Pirates Reliever Requires Season-Ending Surgery After Locker Room Fight With Other Pirates Reliever

The woeful Pittsburgh Pirates fined relievers Kyle Crick and Felipe Vázquez for their roles in a locker room altercation prior to the team’s game against the Giants Monday night. Worse and dumber than that, the altercation led to an injury to Crick’s throwing hand, requiring surgery, and he is done ...

Christian Yelich Fractures Kneecap With Foul Ball, Is Done For The Season

Well, this blows. The Milwaukee Brewers are very much in the hunt for the second National League Wild Card spot, trailing the Cubs by just a game and a half. But their pursuit from this point on will no longer include the services of reigning NL MVP Christian Yelich, who has been ruled out for the ...

Ronald Acuña Jr. Robs Home Run, Immediately Turns It Into Inside-The-Park Home Run

You would think that robbing a home run at the wall comes down to getting a good jump, timing your leap, and having the insane hand-eye coordination to rip the ball out of the sky with your off hand, while crashing into a padded wall. Turns out that’s only most of it. As Ronald Acuña Jr. learned in ...

Laura Ingraham Schooled By Benjamin Watson In Deeply Satisfying Fox News Segment

I swear that headline up there is not the result of late night Mad Libs. Patriots tight end Benjamin Watson was on Fox News with conservative shithead Laura Ingraham Monday to discuss a recent article by Jemele Hill. It became clear almost immediately that Watson was expected to share Ingraham’s sne...

Raiders' Gareon Conley Carted Off With Apparent Head Injury After Scary Collision With Teammate [Updates]

Rookie Raiders safety Johnathan Abram made a number of noisy and violent hits Monday night. Late in the third quarter, with his team up 14–3, Abram drew a 15-yard penalty for lowering his head to initiate contact on a tackle of Broncos running back Royce Freeman, who was slowed up on the sideline b...

Referee Clock Boner Very Nearly Screws Saints In Monday Night Thriller

Monday night’s Texans-Saints game ended with two incredible late drives and a dramatic walk-off 58-yard field goal to put the home team over the top, 30–28. However you feel about the Saints and their fans, one positive takeaway from their victory is it managed to wipe out a pretty significant refer...

Dear ESPN, Please Stop Using Yellow In Your <i>Monday Night Football</i> Down-And-Distance Graphic [UPDATE: It's Gone]

For reasons passing understanding, ESPN’s Monday Night Football presentation uses a sickly greenish-yellow color for the graphic showing the down and distance. It’s a big highlighter-yellow block on the bottom right of the screen, and it’s ugly, and I hate it. On top of being ugly, it looks like a p...

Dead Letters: "IT IS THE HARBINGER AT THE GATES OF THE GUARDIAN"

Subject: article idea!...

Tramon Williams Adds Further Humiliation To Mitchell Trubisky's Rotten Opening Night

Yes, it’s Week 1. Yes, the Packers defense is expected to be much improved this season, after general manager Brian Gutekunst dedicated big bucks during the offseason to improving the personnel. Still. Chicago’s offense Thursday night was totally punchless, even amateurish, outside of a few nifty pl...

Here Are 13 Seconds Of Baseball That Were More Exciting Than The Entirety Of <i>Thursday Night Football</i>

Thursday night’s regular-season opener between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears was a real dog. Fancy camera angles and old-timey costumes could not lift the sloppy, disjointed mess on the field. It would be generous to describe it as a defensive battle, but defense had little or nothing ...

Costa Rica National Team Coach Quits Because The Job Is Too Much Like Vacation

Costa Rica’s men’s national team head coach Gustavo Matosas had it all: a stable job with a good income, working in a prominent role within a competent, successful outfit; a schedule that only required work every couple of weeks; few expectations; and a work-life balance that left him feeling like m...