miserableshitehawk Page 8 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Tigers Outfielder Generously Guides Kyle Seager's Third Dinger Over The Outfield Wall
It says something about the state of baseball that the least interesting thing about this play, from the top of the ninth inning of an 11–6 Mariners win over the Tigers, is that it was Kyle Seager’s third dinger of the night. Multi-homer games are so common now that they’re becoming passé—for crying...
Jerry Jones, On Unresolved Player Contracts: I Have Seen The Hot, Spurting Blood
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones talked to Jon Machota of The Athletic Tuesday at Cowboys training camp, where the conversation naturally made its way around to the uncertain contract statuses of quarterback Dak Prescott, wide receiver Amari Cooper, and holdout running back Ezekiel Elliott. Suffice to say,...
Safety Net Saves Fan But Not Beer
In the top of the second inning of Tuesday night’s Reds-Nationals game, Reds rookie sensation Aristides Aquino took a mighty cut at a high Joe Ross fastball and scalded it straight back into the backstop net. The net caught the ball, of course, which was good news for a Nationals fan seated in the t...
Andrew Luck's "Small Little Bone" Injury Is Apparently On The Move
The saga of Andrew Luck’s strained calf has reached the point where it’s time to worry whether anyone knows just what the hell is going on. Colts owner Jim Irsay identified a “small little bone” in Luck’s left leg as the source of the quarterback’s ongoing pain and discomfort, which leads to all sor...
Gary Thorne's Sanity Is Collateral Damage In Gleyber Torres's Demolition Of Orioles Pitching
Remember way back in May, when Yankees infielder Gleyber Torres recorded his fourth multi-homer game against the Orioles of just this season? Remember how Torres became just the fourth player in MLB history to record four multi-homer games against one team in one season? Remember how O’s broadcaster...
Rishard Matthews Retires From NFL, Is Happy To Leave Behind "Brainwashing And Dividing Of Culture"
Wide receiver Rishard Matthews was released by the New Orleans Saints on Saturday. Head coach Sean Payton, speaking cryptically of the breakup, said of Matthews, “it’s not for everyone,” which together with a “left squad designation” accompanying his release indicated that Matthews voluntarily baile...
“Please don’t take me from the society right now. I’m 34. I can go play in China for another six years, take care of my family.” Sebastian Telfair was sentenced to more than three years in prison Monday following a conviction for criminal possession of a weapon, in what sounds like a really sad hear...
MLS Coach Fired Over Unhinged, Multi-Phase Homophobic Meltdown
Real Salt Lake head coach Mike Petke was fired by the team Sunday, a little over two weeks after his meltdown at the end of his team’s 1–0 loss to Tigres UANL in the Leagues Cup. Between then and now Petke was hit with three different suspensions plus a fine over the incident, which was notable both...
My Whole Life Worth Less Than Crap Stolen From Alex Rodriguez's Rental Car
Alex Rodriguez has many things that I will never have. A career .930 OPS. A job on television. A cake with crystals on it from Jennifer Lopez. A gigantic two-way glass window next to his crappin’ toilet, situated prominently in one of the busiest cities in the Western hemisphere. Some of the many fi...
Brian Flores Encourages Kenny Stills To Keep Stephen Ross Criticisms Private, Like A Real Company Man
In his apt criticism of team owner Stephen Ross’s support of Donald Trump, Dolphins wide receiver Kenny Stills has the truth, accuracy, and righteousness on his side—but not, it seems, his own head coach....
Mark Davis, Incredibly, Calls Another Professional Sports Franchise "Fucking Totally Dysfunctional"
The acrimonious and not-all-that-beneficial cohabitation of Mark Davis’s Raiders and the Oakland Athletics should come to a definitive end following this upcoming football season. Construction of the Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas is tentatively on schedule to wrap up next July; barring any huge ...
Bill Walton Has The Time Of His Life At The Padres Game
Listen. If Bill Walton is calling a given day “the greatest day of my life,” that’s a real day! The man has been many places and done many things. He won two NCAA championships, two NBA titles, and an MVP, to say nothing of getting married and having kids and all that type of stuff. But apparently n...
Javy Báez Spices Up Garbage-Time Plate Appearance, Bats Lefty
The ninth inning of Thursday night’s Cubs-Reds game was a real circus, and I mean that in a good way. The Reds were down 12–5, they’d used four pitchers, and they were not coming back, so to finish the eighth and work the ninth they turned pitching duties over to Kyle Farmer, a second baseman. Farme...
Monica Puig Serves Up A Smashing Ceremonial First Pitch
It’s generally lame when non-baseball athletes use non-baseballs to complete ceremonial first pitches. You see this most often with football players, using their vile spheroids to throw first pitches that really have nothing to do with the sport of baseball. If you can’t get a baseball all the way t...
Russell Westbrook Restructured His Contract To Give Tilman Fertitta Some Money
This will be hailed as unselfishness and a team-friendly move, but it’s actually neither of those things: Russell Westbrook, in order to facilitate his trade to the Houston Rockets, agreed to restructure his supermax contract and shift the payment of some of his salary into the future....
Short-Sleeping Psycho Adam Gase Hits The Smelling Salts Ahead Of Preseason Kickoff
Adam Gase is a sleep-deprived maniac who powers himself through each workday with “five or six 20-ounce cups” of coffee plus the occasional Red Bull, because his regular Football Man routine provides less than four hours of sleep per night. But on gamedays, when Gase needs that extra boost, it appea...
Kevin Durant, In His Cheesiest Cheesebutt Voice: "Shit Happens"
Kevin Durant has a long, long way to go before he’s back on an NBA floor, and likely has far further to go before he’s anything like the player he was before he ruptured his Achilles tendon in Game 5 of the NBA Finals. The circumstances that led to the catastrophic injury were highly suspect, but wh...
Very Pissed Chris Davis Appears To Go After Orioles Manager Brandon Hyde
The Orioles are having their doors blown off Wednesday night by the visiting New York Yankees, to finish off a three-game sweep at Camden Yards. The Yankees hit another several homers in the game, extending their MLB record for most home runs against a single opponent in a season and setting a new M...
Kirk Cousins Had Lots To Say About His Young Center's Sweaty Butt
Minnesota quarterback and griller of igneous rocks Kirk Cousins is getting the hang of working with rookie center Garrett Bradbury, who the Vikings selected in the first round of the draft back in April. The two will play together in a game for the first time on Friday, in a couple series of presea...
Orioles Outfielder Bonked On The Head By Badly Misjudged Pop Fly
If you were looking for one single moment to represent the bottomless misery of the last, oh, two years of Orioles baseball, you could do a lot worse than D.J. Stewart’s ill-fated play on a fourth-inning fly ball in Tuesday’s game against the Yankees in Baltimore. Stewart, chugging in on the play, a...