The joke used to be that you were supposed to think of baseball to un-horny yourself. When you needed to prolong proceedings to a length of time that wouldn’t be embarrassing or possibly even to one acceptable to both (or more?) parties. Think of every third baseman in the National League in 1991 and you can stave off the conclusion a little while longer, so went the theory (yes, theory, I certainly have never put it into practice. The only 1991 NL 3rd sackers I can think of are Luis Salazar and Charlie Hayes, which clearly isn’t enough to delay…I should probably stop here). It was even a main joke of “Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask,” which is sadly a Woody Allen film but proves the ubiquity of the joke. Adding a new layer to it was the players’ names were delivered by Tony Randall, yet another thing you were supposed to think of to turn down the volume, so to speak.
That does not appear to be the case anymore.
After last week’s endeavors in Oakland, we have a new spritely couple in Toronto from Monday night.
Don’t mean to quibble with this local Toronto news outlet’s choice of term, but that’s not an act. That’s the whole show, and thanks to the cops arriving there was also a post-curtain Q&A for the audience.
I’m not here to kink shame or question how one might pass the time of nine innings, though it seemed more understandable in Oakland where the A’s are an intentionally woebegone team. The Jays are fighting for a playoff spot! Although I do agree that anything is better than watching the Cubs. Though generally the only thing getting fucked anywhere near the Cubs is their own fans. BOOM! I used to be a comedian, y’know.
Again, as we said when the Oakland couple was spotted, if you head to a deserted section of the stadium, people are going to see you. You have to disguise yourself in plain sight. Didn’t we learn anything from Whitey Bulger? I also either have to commend or question, I’m really not sure, our male participant here as lying on a bed of concrete stairs comes with its toll to be paid later. But then again I’m not as young as I used to be and soreness is a constant companion. I definitely have to commend this couple for keeping their passions up in the last row of Rogers Centre, because if you’ve ever gotten really close to the top of a stadium and gotten a good look at what’s in the rafters and in the concrete, it’s not exactly an uplifting experience. From the last row of Wrigley one got a good look at the substance the Wrigley crew used to seal up cracks in the century-old concrete, which looked something like a cross between stadium nacho cheese and nerf footballs. That didn’t exactly get the zowsers back into your trousers.
Also, it would allow for a true zinger from Cubs’ broadcaster Beth Mowins:
Still, this would seem to be a pretty sound retort to the idea that baseball is dying. I mean, how could you be more on the opposite end of the spectrum?
Then again, maybe baseball can make you horny, at least if you keep watching Oneil Cruz. Monday night we saw him launch a tracer into the Milwaukee night that didn’t travel on an arc so much as approach an orbit. Last night, he ended a Pirates win over the Brewers by turning a double play with a throw that TV cameras couldn’t keep up with and would have audibly torn the air:
At this rate, PNC Park might end up looking like an ecstasy-doused key party at Caligula’s on a holiday weekend.