Will Erin Andrews dance again with her lower half covered in silly string? Those who follow the live blog might find this out.
This whole Dancing With the Stars series has given me a new perspective on how sports leagues will eventually determine the winner. Once the NFL sees the ratings procreated by celebrities and athletes dancing for the respect of three people behind a table, they'll adopt the following playoff format:
Week 1: All the football teams play a game against someone else.
Week 2: All the football teams play a game against someone else, but two teams are eliminated from contention.
Week 3: More games, and a few more teams are eliminated.
Week 4: Clip show!
Week 5: More games are played, but this time it's raining. Eliminations ensue.
Week 6: Two teams are BACK IN THE RUNNING!
Week 7: Football games are played, but they play two half-games against different teams.
Week 8: All the teams change quarterbacks.
Week 9: They play the Pro Bowl. Whichever conference wins gets a bye week. The other conference has two teams eliminated.
Week 10: Teams play each other in a game of beach flag football.
Week 11: Finally, the teams get back to playing a regular game of football. EXCEPT: each team gets a different celebrity as their punter.
Week 21: The Patriots beat the Colts 30-27, thanks to the new overtime format.
This is a can't-miss format for the NFL of tomorrow. In fact, it's entirely possible they implement this schedule for the upcoming season. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. For now, it's all about the dance. Here are the standings from Week 1 for each pair, who now have catchy combination nicknames as derived by me, a professional Internet live blogger:
25 points: Nicole Sherzinger/Derek Hough (Team Nicorek)
23 points: Evan Lysacek/Anna Trebunskaya (Team Lysabuns)
21 points: Pamela Anderson/Damian Whitewood (Team PamDam)
21 points: Erin Andrews/Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Team Maksim-um Traffic)
20 points: Jake Pavelka/Chelsie Hightower (Team J-High)
18 points: Shannen Doherty/Mark Ballas (Team Shark)
18 points: Niecy Nash/Louis van Amstel (Team Loucy)
18 points: Chad Ochocinco/Cheryl Burke (Team Ch-eryl)
16 points: Kate Gosselin/Tony Dovolani (Team Tonkat)
15 points: Aiden Turner/Edyta Sliwinska (Team Aiden Turner and Edyta Sliwinska)
14 points: Buzz Aldrin/Ashly Costa (Team Daddy Daughter Picnic)
And then there's Team Bingo:
8:03 — Down come all the competitors. It's a preview sampling of all the hilarious costume jokes to be made throughout the next two hours.
8:06 — Team Shark pulls the leadoff straw. You can tell by their loose-fiiting neckties that they are JIVING.
8:09 — And the judges opt not to jump down her throat. A 7, 6, 7 score. Nice and palindromic.
8:14 — Time for Aiden Turner, the soap star. You will not BELIEVE how much they're struggling. (Spoiler: they're struggling.)
8:16 — The foxtrot is type of ballroom dance. It's also sometimes known as the Whiskey Tango.
8:19 — "Improvement!" sayeth the judges. By improvement they mean "7, 6, 6." It's amazing how a soap star was able to endure despite such staggering contrived drama.
8:23 — The question is, how much more black could Evan Lysacek's costume/hair be, and the answer is none. None more black.
8:28 — Nothing tames the wild heart of a pack of nogoodniks than a well-placed dance step. Lysabuns shant be messed with.
8:35 — Crazy eights across the board for Lysabuns. I cannot stress enough just how insane those eights are.
8:38 — Someone help Niecy Nash! That pink Like-Like is trying to devour her!
8:41 — Ochocinco and Buzz are a dancing pair now?
8:46 — Lou-cy receives a barrage of Seven Costanzas. Now as the Bachelor begins to dance, this is the perfect time for a bathroom break.
8:51 — Oh, I get it. Their motif is geekiness. Where were the empty cans of Diet Pepsi and emptied Ruffles bags?
8:53 — A blatant anti-nerd stance has been taken by the judges: 6, 7, 7.
8:58 — It's time for Buzz-mentum. And it's a moon landing backdrop because ... yeah, he did that moon thing.
9:01 — And there's an American flag in the backdrop. It's like they're on the moon. And it's like the judges seem unanimously in agreement that an 80-year-old man just can't hang with horndog reality stars and NFL wide receivers.
9:05 — 4, 4, 4. The Moses Malone. Hey, what's he doing for DWTS 11?
9:12 — That's ... a lot of bouncing tassels on Nicole's person.
9:14 — Team Nicorek goes RIGHT into the lead with a 10, 8, 10. The old judge would've liked to have seen more of a Perry Mason motif, I suppose.
9:20 — Erin.
9:23 — The verdict on our traffic-generating Venus? "Great use of your flexibility." Goodnight, nurse.
9:26 — I wonder how Erin likes being asked two easy questions after her performance.
9:30 — Time for the score: 8, 7, 8. But no, please keep watching. We may see a nipple slip from ... Ochocinco.
9:34 — Pam Anderson channels the ghost of Marilyn Monroe. Tom Bergeron pulls out the Kennedy joke and whips it on the table. I would've gone with an Arthur Miller jab ... so I will. Their foxtrot would've given Willie Loman a coronary.
9:40 — A 7, 7, 8 score for Pam-Dam. I hope they can make it up next week in the wet T-shirt competition.
9:42 — Mr. EightFive printed up his own t-shirts with words on them. What a jokester!
9:45 — What'd ya think, judges?
The scores: 6, 5, 5. Just like how many wins the Bengals will have in the next three seasons!
9:49 — And Kate Gosselin shows everyone why everyone isn't such a fan of Kate Gosselin.
9:55 — God. It is so discomforting that Kate Gosselin and Buzz Aldrin are equals in something.
9:59 — I have no problem ending this show with a reality TV mom crying.
So somebody gets kicked off tomorrow, and it's probably going to be Buzz or Kate. Or maybe it could be YOU. No wait ... that's not right. Live blog it yourself, I'll see everyone back here Monday. Thanks for watching people dance with me. Had I done this alone, it would've been awkward.