Can we get a more bingeable NBA Playoffs, please?

As we near the halfway point of the NBA Playoffs, it’s a good time to take inventory of what’s working, and what’s driving viewers to dive for the mute button any time they hear Lizzo’s “Now here go!” at the top of that commercial for cruise ships. While I could do an entire post about how I’d rather have my eardrums ruptured than listen to Oliver Malcom’s “The Jungle” that plays in the background of Apple’s ads for a green iPhone, I’ll limit it to a blurb to go along with other blurbs about off-putting viewing experiences from the NBA Playoffs.

If you’re saying, ”But Sean, what happened to the ‘what’s working’ portion that you alluded to in the lede?” — let me stop you there, and leave. Casually dropped, extremely specific references to The Office aside, I had to lure you in somehow, and now that you’re here, we can dispatch with the pleasantries. Pretty much all of the positives from TNT and ESPN’s playoff coverage come from the Inside the NBA crew, and as much fun as aggregating the idiotic antics of Charles, Shaq, and Kenny is, they get enough (too much?) praise.

So, without further stream of consciousness from my dumb ass, here are four things that need to be dropped from the NBA Playoffs.

It’s not enough that we were subjected to an entire March Madness worth of Reggie Miller Wendy’s commercials, but now we get two months of faux astonishment as he draws out “THIR-TY SE-VEN” in every mention of the Point God. It might be that I just turned 36 and recoil at the idea that I’m old, or that LeBron James’ old ass is 37, but it’s not like playing this well at their advanced basketball age is falling-out-of-your-announcer-chair unprecedented. (Also, in a nod to things that have been done before, criticizing broadcasters and media members isn’t original, so apologies if this rant already took place on Twitter or at websites specifically created to criticize announcers.)

Al Horford, a spry 35, had a throwback performance in Monday night’s Game 4 between Boston and Milwaukee, and if you were watching, you’d think he spent the past few years in retirement as opposed to playing out a four-year $109 million deal in Philly and Oklahoma City.

Yes, I’m surprised by the resurgence of a guy that I described earlier this season as a player whose best trait is now his only trait. However, it was apparent during the second half of the season, when the Celtics were one of the best teams in the league propelled by one of the NBA’s stingiest defenses, that Horford isn’t irreversibly washed. He’s been nothing but a consummate pro since entering the league and didn’t suffer a major injury, so it’s not unthinkable for him to regain form for a team that he’s had success with in the past.

If it was his Florida Gator teammate Joakim Noah out there after ailments and Tom Thibodeau shortened his career, then yeah, you can be beside yourself with amazement.

Fun anecdotes are quirky on first mention, and maybe second mention, too, in case someone missed it. They become tired when an announcer is seemingly flabbergasted that two guys who play the same sport from the same area could cross paths. During the Golden State-Memphis Game 4 on Monday, Jackson blocked a Poole layup attempt, and the TNT crew on the call made sure to mention for the 3,000th time in four contests that Jackson had probably seen that move once or twice during their time at Park Tudor School in Indianapolis.

They won a national title together, and it’s such a great story that they led their team to a champio — wait, what’d you say, colleague Carron Phillips, who actually covered that team? Poole came off the bench, and Jackson wasn’t even in the No. 1 option? So it was less of a Poole-Jackson led two-man game and more AAU-type coincidence? Weird.

That said, networks are contractually obligated to use grainy team photos featuring former teammates or members of a coaching tree, so they could just be filling a quota.

Rather than a Festivus-ian airing of grievances toward specific brands and ads, I’m going to grant you much-needed respite from another diatribe. Instead of these companies going all in with shitty music or shittier celeb cameos (looking at you, Matt Stafford), can we get a progressive marketing campaign?

I remember Tostitos had a series of ads that told a story as the Fiesta Bowl went on in 1996. (I can recall this from memory because my family only had a bootleg VHS of the national title game that featured Nebraska crushing Florida, 62-24, so I had to sit through the commercials during the 15 million-plus times I rewatched it.)

Why can’t we get some sort of narrative update to the commercials throughout the playoffs? Like, do the workers at Wendy’s eventually revolt and lock Reggie Miller in the walk-in? Are people enamored by the color of a phone when it’s going to be obscured by a case? Are the guests on Carnival Cruises having a happy voyage, or are they mired a few miles off the coast of Antigua because of a COVID outbreak? At what point does Paul Pierce bring strippers into his DraftKings watch party?

Half the reason we’re subjected to endless commercials and on-air dead time is because referees treat challenges as if the league is testing their knowledge of the rules. Despite your best efforts, NBA refs, this isn’t about you; it’s about the call you just missed. Can someone please get them a checklist to streamline the process? They spend five minutes debating a block/charge and then another three minutes trying to figure out how much time was left on the clock.

I’ve dozed off multiple times during commercials, woke up mid challenge with semi-crusted shut eyelids and still figured out whose fingertips the ball touched last before the officials. Speaking of crusty, I’m pretty sure this piece is showing my age — or at least graying my hair — so I’ll stop before I lament the war on the midrange game.