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Can You Abandon A Comatose Girlfriend Or Boyfriend?

Illustration for article titled Can You Abandon A Comatose Girlfriend Or Boyfriend?
FunbagTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag.

Your letters:


I've been thinking to myself lately, how long would you have to be dating a girl in order for you to feel obligated if she went into a coma? You would have no way of knowing how long she would be in that coma, so it really would be a leap of faith on your part. Frankly, if I haven't been dating that girl for at least six months, I'm probably gone.


No two relationships are alike, so it's impossible to answer that question definitively. But obviously, if we're talking about someone to whom you are not married, or even engaged, I don't think many people would begrudge you if you walked away. I think the key here is making sure there is a miniature shiva period between the girl lapsing into a coma and you going out and having sex with other people. That time period would vary depending upon the length of your relationship. Even a two-month relationship would mandate some kind of short waiting period. Or let's say you've been dating for a year. That's a serious relationship. That's a "The girl has invested a full year in you and therefore expects a ring sometime around Year 2 or Year 3" kind of thing. You can't just go out and start hooking up with everyone you meet at the Greene Turtle two days later. You need an appropriate amount of time for coma grieving (NOTE: If you are a normal human being, you will probably actually WANT to grieve. So weird!). I say you have to wait at least three months before you stop making those weekend visits to her bedside and singing her songs on your acoustic guitar. After that, it's time to pull the plug... ON MONOGAMY!


Do you think there is a color that hasn't been discovered yet?

No. And you know how I know? Because I've had to go through the paint swatch book. Trust me, they've discovered every color. They've discovered far more colors than I would like. Sometimes, when you look at paint samples, the differences are so small that it literally gives you a headache to try and figure out which one you like more. So I don't think that there's a color in the visible spectrum that we somehow missed. I do believe, however, that if you do enough LSD, that you will try and CONCEIVE of that new color, science be damned, and spend the next four hours convinced that TORQURPLE exists, and can be seen if you squint at your dog's asshole long enough.



While on vacation in Florida I saw this classy license plate (or lack there of). Points for creativity though.

Illustration for article titled Can You Abandon A Comatose Girlfriend Or Boyfriend?

I'm sure that's totally cool with your local DMV. They usually aren't sticklers about forms and paperwork.


/wanking motion


Am I the only one that grows incredibly frustrated the more they show the scores and stats from the early games while you're watching the late afternoon games? I'm trying to find out the score in the Seattle-Arizona blockbuster (because I am a degenerate gambler) and Fox/CBS feel like they need to cycle through the scores AND stats of the games that have finished two hours earlier. Those scores and stats are not changing. I don't need to be reminded 200 times that Plaxico Burress scored 3 TDs while he was on my fantasy team's bench. Please only include live game scores on the feed.


They include those early scores if your local team is playing at 4PM and your old lady kept you outside chopping firewood or something until right before kickoff. So then you can run in and catch up on everything you missed. But yes, this can be annoying if you were around for the early games, and it's really annoying during the playoffs, when they run the result from the last game on the ticker a few times because it's the only game they have, and it reminds you every time that ALL OF THIS IS GOING AWAY SOON. It's awful. I have ticker withdrawal already. I love sitting there and staring at the ticker WHILE I'm staring at a GameCenter on and all of that joy just got ripped away from me like it was my own baby.

I was in hotel gym a few weeks ago and I was staring at SportsCenter while I was working out, and when you watch SportsCenter for that long, you get a very good sense for how little is actually happening at any given moment during a normal weekday. The ticker just broadcasts the same shit over and over again for hours. And I stood there praying that the thing would offer up some new spicy piece of info like ROBERT MEACHEM ARRESTED ON CHARGES OF FROTTAGE. And whenever something new DID come up, I was super excited. I yearn for juicy NUGGETS.



Does NFL Play60 work?



If there was an NFL pregame show on ESPN2 where the entire hour was filled with only Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe talking to each other about the upcoming games (and whatever other bullshit they felt like discussing) would you:

a) never watch it
b) watch it over any other pregame show
c) watch every episode, and even record episodes if you were going to miss them


I'd watch it, but only if they were mandated to wear leather jackets, like they forced Olbermann to do when espn2 first started (when they first started, the espn was in lowercase, which was offputting). I like Deion on TV a lot. I wish the NFL Network pre- and postgame shows were just Eisen and Deion and no one else. Everyone else on that set is useless. The fact that Mooch draws a salary is an insult to starving AIDS babies.


Would you rather have sex with a Mermaid who is Top Half Woman-Bottom Half Fish, or a Mermaid who is Top Half Fish-Bottom Half Woman? I guess it all depends on whether your a tits or an ass man, because regardless of which you chose it will smell like fish.


Well, I assume that means you'd be having straight intercourse with Mrs. Fish Head and getting oral pleasure from the Standard Mermaid, since you probably wouldn't be able to put it in her fishhole, yes? I think that's what it boils down to. I think most every guy would pick the Standard Mermaid option. By the way, if you do a simple GIS search for the words "mermaid porn," you get nothing but filthy "Little Mermaid" porn stills, which is gross. There is very little live-action mermaid porn out there. It's an underserved marketplace.

Mike A:

Would you rather fuck Scarlett Johansson or ride a dragon?

The dragon. I'm guaranteed to land safely, yes? THE DRAGON. I'd ride the dragon, and then FUCK the dragon. No other dragon is gonna fuck with me after I've power-raped Tiamat.



Do you think anyone has ever actually received fellatio while on the toilet and actually dropping a deuce? I know blumpkins are frequently mentioned in the funbag, great fun to imagine, joke about, etc. but in all honesty do you really think any woman has ever actually subjected herself to this? Not counting some weird fetish porn videos.


It's doubtful, unless... what if it was a DRAGON fellating you while you're pushing one out? That would be so hot. Literally. Because dragons have fire breath.

I'm sure it's happened between two people who have absolutely no regards for either their dignity or matters of personal hygiene. But between two well-educated, sober, rational people? Unlikely. That's why guys laugh about things like donkey punches and angry pirates and all that nonsense... because they're so grotesque and it's so obvious that you'd never actually go and do that. Anyone who would do it is a monster.


I don't even know how it would work, frankly. When you have a bowel movement, you usually end up pissing as well, so your whole ability to get/maintain an erection and all that would prove awfully difficult. Plus, who can comfortably receive fellatio while sitting and leaning forward? That's crazy talk. Virtually every man in existence leans BACK anytime oral pleasure is administered. Reclining during fellatio is mandatory. It's why ALL recliners should have an option to tuck away just the center of the footrest.


IT'S A LAND CRAB THE SIZE OF A GARBAGE CAN. How fucking scary is this thing? It could probably eat small children no problem. On the other hand, LOOK AT ALL THAT DELICIOUS CRAB MEAT. Think of how many fucking crab cakes you can make!

Illustration for article titled Can You Abandon A Comatose Girlfriend Or Boyfriend?

GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! That thing is the size of my nightmares. But our man does have a point. For some reason, I don't find crustaceans anywhere near as terrifying as regular bugs. I think nothing of diving into the guts of a lobster. But if you served me a roach that size? I would tear my own eyes out in fear.


Of course, I usually only deal with crustaceans when they've been killed and drenched in lemony butter. I went to a beach once with my kid and walked around, looking for crabs. We caught a couple and put them in the bucket, and one time I reached down to pick one up with my hands and it moved and I damn near jumped to the moon. Ever get pinched by a crab? THEY DO NOT FUCK AROUND.


What if any etiquette exists for cleaning up after a dog that has awful diarrhea? Do dogs even get diarrhea?


DO THEY? Oh, dear friend, do they ever! Dog diarrhea is a special, incredible substance... Even more so than dog vomit! The best part is... when your dog is finished spraying his molten Alpo all over the sidewalk, he'll then go and do the ceremonial "doggie ass drag," wiping his ass on the sidewalk and leaving a giant skid mark there for all to see. All you can do is scrape it up with your little shovel and pray none of it gets on you. I've cleaned up after a dog a few times and I'm never 100% secure that every last particle of that poop made it in to the bag. And you can feel the hotness of the shit on the plastic and you want to turn around and retch right in the neighbor's yard, it's so awful. I see some dog owners out there that can walk around with a shitbag for HOURS and think nothing of it. I can't do that. I need a receptacle and a sink immediately.

By the way, there are few non-fecal odors out there worse than wet dog food. Dog food out of a can smells like a corpse French kissing you.




According to Taylor Branch's exhaustive, three-volume history of the Civil Rights Movement, Martin Luther King basically used extramarital sex as a form of masturbation, because he was just completely stressed out from traveling all over the world, church politics and internal politics of the Movement and having his life threatened daily (when he was assassinated, the doctors performing his autopsy noted he had the heart of a man over 60, even though he was barely 40 years old). Inevitably, the FBI taps picked up some of these affairs, where according to Branch's book (the second volume, I believe), they got him on tape yelling "I'M FUCKING FOR GOD!!"

There was some judge in DC that put all those tapes and other things under seal in the 70s for 50 years or something like that, so the first we'll get to hear of them will probably be sometime in the late 2020s or early 2030s.


That's amazing. Consider my calendar updated. There's a MAN. We need to build him TWO memorials. Aren't you glad the Internet wasn't around during that Era? AJ would have gotten his hands on those tapes and everything would have been blown to shit. "I'M FUCKING FOR GOD!!" I bet Tebow says the exact same thing when he's plowing Lindsey Vonn.

One of the great details in that Hampton Sides book is when one of King's mistresses visits him at the Lorraine Motel. The mistress in question was a state Senator named Georgia Davis, and when she got to King's room, King opened his arms and said to her, "Senator, our time together is so short." Now that's a man with game.



According to Bear Bryant, a tie is equivalent to kissing your sister. While a tie is certainly unfulfilling/slightly embarrassing, I still think kissing your sister would be way worse. What's a better analogy for the disappointment (yet not total failure) that is a tie?


They're like handjobs. You don't really get what you want, and most handjobs don't have a proper ending. "You know what? Let's just stop. It's all right. Really. I'll just go to the bathroom for two minutes and we can get on with our lives."


Say that human teleportation has been perfected, but each person only gets to teleport 3 times in his/her lifetime. How would you decide the right times to use your allotment?

I can think back to lots of times when I might have used it (plane flight, late for meeting, need to take a crap and far from any bathroom, etc), but what if you used yours up and then later you could have saved the President, but were too late? Conversely, you also don't want to keep them until you're too old to actually need to get anywhere fast.


Let's be honest. If you only were able to do it three times, you'd probably use them as poorly as Marvin Lewis uses challenge flags. You'd get all drunk and shit one night when you were 15 and blown all three uses within a seven hour span. "Dude, what if we, like TELEPORTED to Arby's? HIGH FIVE!" Boom! Precious teleportation used, all because you were young and retarded.

If I were the smart and sensible type, I would conserve my three big teleportation moments for three separate vacations, preferably in faraway places. I'd spring for the airfare to New Zealand, Singapore, and the Seychelles, then teleport home when the vacation was over. Home INSTANTLY. God, that would feel great. The trip back is always worse than the trip there.



My wife's grandmother recently died, leaving behind an old house full of old stuff to be dealt with. The process was pretty much that my wife's family determined what would stay in the family, and what would go. I, then, would lug whatever they didn't want to a dumpster. No big deal. However, grandma was the religious type, and we found all manner of Christ memorabilia. Crosses. Paintings. A statue of a Non-Christ guy holding a bottle of Chambord, or something. The debate was then opened up: Is it ok to throw away a cross? None of the family is particularly religious, and yet everyone felt weird about this and pretty much refused to do it. Would you toss a cross? I have no idea, but I happily threw all this shit out. So far, no lightning bolts or locust infestations.

Am I doomed?

An object is only meaningful if you ascribe meaning to it. If you think the cross is sacred and valuable, you keep it. If, like me, you think it's just two fucking sticks tied together, you chuck it. Even if it's a legit crucifix, with Jesus nailed to it with the crown of thorns and the streaks of blood and the haunting eyes and everything: GARBAGE. If someone thinks it's bad to throw out a cross, they can jolly well climb into the dumpster and go hang it in their little shrine room. Space is too valuable to leave shit hanging around that you don't want.



Do you think Albert Einstein ever had anal sex?

No, because I assume that he was a fan of orderliness.

Lincoln (again):

What percentage of people that you see walking down the street, on the subway, at restaurants, just around during your daily life do you think have had anal sex?


A recent Marie Claire survey noted that 21% of respondents had had anal sex. So then, then you have give men a corresponding percentage (this is a dicey thing to do, since one woman who has had anal sex could have had it with a potentially limitless number of male partners, but let's just keep it even for now), and then ADD ten percent to account for the gay male population. That's 31% of men. Assuming the US population is half men and half women (I think women slightly outnumber men), that equates to 26% of the total population. So at least one of every four people you see walking down the street has been involved in some kind of boner-in-the-butt action. That's a FACT.


Is there anything on Earth more irritating than trying to get gloves on a three year old? It's like that terrible party favor game where you have to get the marbles into the
little cutouts in the bottom of a maze, but the marbles are made of meat and attached to a snotty, screamy kid who just wants to go outside. THERE ARE FIVE FABRIC TUBES, AND YOU HAVE FIVE FINGERS. DO YOU REALLY NOT SEE THE CONNECTION? BACK IN THE MITTENS FOR YOU!


As far as I'm concerned, if I've gotten the thumb in the thumbhole, I've done my job. I'm careless with putting gloves on children because will walk outside and shake those gloves off five seconds later. They have no prayer of staying on. And many gloves for children are too long, so you have to stuff the cuff of the glove into his jacket sleeve and you THINK that this will cause the glove to magically stay on his hand, as if tucking a glove into a sleeve is somehow the equivalent of gluing the glove on with epoxy. What a goddamn train wreck.

Hats are much better, because all kiddie hats come with a chinstrap. Ever put a hat on a kid, secure the velcro chinstrap, and then watch the kid scream and try and pull the hat off? It's kinda fun. Oh, and hug your kids and what not.



What song do you think has been "spun" the most on American airwaves since the invention of the radio? I'm thinking it has to be one of the "Classic Rock" anthems from the late 60's or early 70's, maybe a Beatles tune or Led Zep. My reasoning, while not researched, is that there seems to be many more Classic Rock stations than any other genre, with each one of these stations playing the same classic songs two or three times every day for the last 40-50 years. I can't help but wonder as I am flipping through channels on the daily commute (yes, I am the only person over 13 that does not have an iPod) and hear god damned Free Bird playing AGAIN, how many times has this song been pummeled through American airspace since 1973?

What song are you going with?

I think it's "Satisfaction," but it could also be a Christmas song or some country song I hadn't thought of, or even an Elvis song or a Motown song. Bing Crosby recorded "White Christmas" in 1941, and it still gets heavy airplay on an annual basis. I don't know if that enough to make up for local classic rock stations that get into a rut and start playing "Peace of Mind" by Boston every 70 goddamn minutes. Or some equally tired Steve Miller song. I can't imagine there's some asshole out there listening to his radio who is like, "AW FUCK YEAHHHH! ANOTHER ROUND OF JET AIRLINER, BITCHES!" These songs are all just sonic wallpaper now. No one has actively listened to them in decades. Like I said before, certain songs need to be retired from radio airplay and TV/Film/commercial use forever, with "For What It's Worth" at the top of the list.



Why isn't every Republican candidate at Tim Tebow's door right now begging for an endorsement? Who else in America could unite the Republican electorate behind one candidate?


I'm sure there have been inroads made. I'm sure the Santorum campaign has called and been like, "We could really count on your support," which is a fucking annoying way of asking for money. Both colleges and politicians beg for money in the EXACT same way. I hope they all die in a fire.

But yes, I think a Tebow endorsement would get plenty of airplay. A Curt Schilling endorsement would get the precise opposite.



I have given up the standard AM/FM Clock Radio in favor of the alarm on my cell phone. Is there anything worse then getting settled into bed, then realizing you left the phone in another room?


I still have the alarm clock I used in dipshit prep school and in college, and I'm strangely loyal to it, even though children make having an alarm clock redundant. Oh, the things that alarm clock has seen. I don't trust a phone to wake me up properly. I need the shrill WAKE THE FUCK UP ASSHOLE beep that only a $5 clock radio from Wal Mart can provide. My kid enjoys running into the room, mashing the buttons on the clock, and fucking up the time just so, close enough to the actual time that I'm duped into believing that it's thirty minutes earlier than it actually is. Then the ruse is revealed and I feel like part of my life was robbed from me.


I was born with one nut. I guess the other one was scared or something, never dropped to my sack and shriveled up and died. Whatever the reason, I've lived my whole life with only one. Now as far as I know, there is no real differences between me and anyone else. But what if it worked like other body parts where, when one is missing, the other gets super charged to compensate for its lost companion, like the old story older kids told me when I was growing up about One-armed McKenzie who had one freakishly strong arm and went around ripping kids limbs off and beating them with it? Is it possible I have a Supernut? Or even better an Evil Supernut?


I looked up your condition. You had something called a "buried testicle," which is just as awful as it sounds:

Some men may have a "buried testicle." Known as cryptochidism, one or both testicles do not descend into the scrotum. This condition is generally, but not always, noticed at birth. Often an infant boy's testicle that has not descended will usually move into the scrotum on its own during the first year of life. If the undescended testicle is noticed, and has not descended during that time, surgery is performed before the boy is five years old. If the situation is not noticed or corrected, the testicle gradually withers away.



Anyway, it appears that your supernut can handily produce the viable sperm and testosterone needed for an active and virile male lifestyle, but it's not twice as big as ordinary testicles or anything like that. The problem with having just one nut is that you no longer have a nut to give. With two nuts, you can get testicular cancer, lose a ball, and still be on your merry way. But now? It's just you and Lone Star, and if Lone Star gets a tumor, it's Eunuch City for you. Terrifying. Best of luck to your and your non-withered butter bean.


Email of the week time:


When I was 13 and still in 8th grade I was really into lifting weights. I was a pudgy kid so I always figured this would help me pass things off as being strong instead of just fat. So anyways, one day I think I'm doing a 30-pound bench press and all of a sudden get a weird sensation in my nether regions. Now, as a side note, I had very religious parents growing up (who failed to mention anything about sex at any point), went to a private school that was very traditional (health class consisted of lectures on abstinence and offered no insight into, ya know, health or the human body) and thus had never heard of nor tried jerking off... a late bloomer, I know.

Anyway, I decide to ignore this weird sensation and keep at my 30-lb barbell when all of a sudden things go astray. I was scared shitless thinking I'd pissed myself, ran upstairs to the locker room only to find a small weird substance on my gym shorts. I walked away relieved that I hadn't pissed myself and didn't realize til much later (when I discovered the joys of masturbation) what had actually happened. Have you ever heard of a more fucked up ejaculation story than that?


That's a good pump!

Before I go, one random request: If you're a physicist, drop a line. And no GLORY BOY physicists either.

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