Note: The charts and text have been updated to include Roger Mason Jr. (Heat), Mike Harris (Jazz), and Brandon Davies (76ers), who were initially missing. These updates are reflected in the BestTicketBlog's charts as well.
Over on the BestTicketsBlog, Andrew Powell-Morse and co. have put together the excellent Unofficial 2013 NBA Census, following up their Unofficial 2013 NFL Census. There's tons of great info to be found about positions, salaries, heights, weights, ages, birthplaces, schools of origin, and race, but let's just cut to the chase: Who are the old, fat NBA teams?
The chart at the top shows the average age of each team, with the "chunks" representing individual players (players aged 30 or over are in orange, players 23 or younger are in blue). The Heat—led by Ray Allen (38), Shane Battier (35), and Chris Andersen (35)—are the only team to crack an average of 30 years old, as well as the only team without a single player under 24. The Nets aren't far behind, with an average age of 29.4 years old.
At the bottom of the chart, the Cavs' and 76ers' average age is nearly seven years younger than the Heat's —Cleveland is fielding nine players aged 23 or younger. The Pelicans are the only team in the league with no players 30 or older, so Greg Stiemsma and Anthony Morrow, both 28, get to provide the veteran leadership for that team.
For obvious reasons, contending teams tend to take on veteran contracts, while rebuilding teams tend to shed them. Ten of the 11 oldest teams in 2013-14 made the playoffs last year, nine of them as a six-seed or higher, while just one of the ten youngest (the Rockets) managed to sneak into the playoffs at all. Teams that have been "rebuilding" for a while—like the Kings and Bobcats—are now middle aged for the league, which is not a great position to be in.
Turning our attention to "fattest," the chart below shows each team's average height and weight, which are the base stats for calculating body mass index (BMI). While BMI isn't really designed for pro athletes (and probably isn't great for the general population either), we're using it anyways because it hilariously and coincidentally splits the league into 16 "normal weight teams" (BMI < 25) and 14 "overweight teams" (BMI > 25). The grey line shows a BMI=25 curve.
The 76ers are the biggest team in the league by both height and weight, but the title of "fattest" goes to the Charlotte Bobcats, led by
Michael Jordan Al Jefferson and his 30.2 BMI (he's 6' 10'', 289 pounds). That's third in the league, behind DeJuan Blair and Glen "Big Baby" Davis.
The "skinniest" team in the league is the Trail Blazers, by both average weight and BMI. Portland is led by the 6' 6'', 175-pound Will Barton, who weighs less than I do but is somehow just the third-skinniest player in the NBA. Corey Brewer of the T-Wolves (6' 9'', 188 pounds) has him beat, but the winner is Shaun Livingston of the Nets (6' 7'', 175 pounds), who is best remembered for suffering one of the most fucking horrible NBA injuries of all time.
If you take Livingston, who's actually approaching "underweight," off the team, the Nets usurp the Bobcats as BMI leader. Then pick up Derek Fisher and Steve Nash, things we absolutely wouldn't put past them, and Brooklyn could finally take its rightful place as both the oldest and fattest team in the league.