Chobani Sucks

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Just now, I was walking through Union Square and got a free promotional Noosa™ Yogurt, a tasty treat. And what did I get from Chobani? Nothing. Fuck Chobani.

Chobani makes bad yogurt. What do they do, instead of making good yogurt? They try to act all heroic. Earlier this year, the head of Chobani gave his employees big chunks of equity in the company. Then just yesterday this same guy announced that he’ll be giving six weeks of paid parental leave to all his employees as a shining example of what enlightened employers should be doing.


Hey asshole: try making some good yogurt, instead.

Parental leave? I’d sure want to “leave” a Chobani factory if I was inside one, due to the overwhelming smell of cow piss inherent in the Chobani yogurt flavor formula. Equity? Guess that won’t be worth very much if investors ever have the misfortune of tasting Chobani’s watery, flavorless paste that they pass off as quality Greek yogurt. My sympathy lies with the thousands of Chobani employees being lulled into complacency with money and good working conditions by a boss who is forcing them to become personas non grata in the yogurt-tasting community by using them as cogs in a machine that produces vast amounts of dairy-based slop that is passed off to the unsuspecting masses as “decent or at least okay Greek yogurt.”


Needless to say this is a paper-thin ruse.

Meanwhile, well-connected coastal elites enjoy free cups of creamy, high-quality Noosa yogurt in their air-conditioned Manhattan offices. The losers? Regular Joes and Janes like you, mindlessly slurping down nasty Chobani yogurt, not even knowing that Chobani sucks and you wouldn’t know a high quality cup of yogurt if it jumped right out of your television set during one of your weekly “NFL football” marathon sessions.

What’s next for this Chobani asshole—curing poverty? Ending homelessness? I know for sure his next cause won’t be ending hunger—because not even a starving refugee would be able to subsist on Chobani. Better to die an agonizing death without the taste of nasty yogurt in your mouth than with it.