Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Girls Whoop Dude Ass." Tonight's commentator: friend of Deadspin and Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe.
Kickers are pussies. You've all heard it, and you've all probably said it at one time or another. Just don't ever say it to a kicker's face or else you'll get fucked harder and more painfully than Catherine the Great at the Kentucky Derby (that's right, I made a mixed historical reference, deal with it). For evidence, we have this video featuring one jizz-gargling Brosef in a tank top starting some shit.
With a girl.
You can think of this as the throwdown between a middle linebacker and a kicker; we all know how the fight's going to end. With the linebacker crying and grabbing his face after it gets caved in by a well placed 60 yard bomb because YOU DON'T START SHIT WITH KICKERS.
Highlights of the fight include, but are not limited to:
- Broheim's garishly loud shorts that manage to outdazzle whatever the fuck store it is behind them, I think they sell neon baby Jesuses or something.
- A solid punch from Sir Bros-a-lot to the mug of Streetwalker Girl - unfortunately for him he brought a fist to a footfight.
- A full windup kick to the head of Brotato from one of Streetwalker's friends. Speaking as a professional, her form was good but she should've really locked her foot out for full extension and impact power; excellent follow through though.
- Random douchenugget screaming "ohhhhh" the entire time; we get it buddy, you're hammered as fuck off Zimas and this is the most amazing thing you've seen since Cops this afternoon, now shut your noisehole so we can hear the sounds of foot hitting flesh.
- Superbro clutching his face and crying like a little bitch because he realizes the world of hurt he just entered by fucking with kickers. This isn't turning out at all like he thought it would.
- Brosington the Third of Brohambria thinking about starting some shit again, but realizing he's a miserable fucking failure and sadly slipping on his lost sandal as he wanders down the street searching for back tattoos.
Safe to say, I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this: Get a goddamn sober cab and save yourself some humiliation.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• This is an exquisite human moment in which a young man wallops a street fighter in the head with a frying pan and then, after it is seized from him, returns with a stick, which is also seized. Of worry to the cinematographer is onto which of two simultaneous scrapes to focus. This is 3:36 of win. Particularly when pan wielder gets on screen to explain his defense of his mama. (SoV, instantly).
• This is what the Wu Tang Clan was talking about when they were talking about people who you don't want ta fuck wit. (SoV, instantly)
• Not much left to the imagination in this here "Girls Brawl In The Street" entry. (SoV, instantly)
• Nor is there in this live Sunday-night look-in on the streets of Austin. (SoV, instantly)
• Or this one. (SoV, 0:04)
• The Jesse and Domo Crush One Another's Faces And Shake Hands Intermission:
• Your Weekly Philadelphia Street-Fight Update: This isn't so much a brawl as it is a "dude cold drops another dude after a softball game and then another dude, who looks blazed, turns the camera on himself for a while. (SoV, 0:06) Bonus Coverage: Looks like "JIMMY POWERbottom" got himself into a bit of a situation! :_(" Bonus Coverage II: "Topless Street Brawl."
• And now, we go out to the field where TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony T. has some battles to share: "If You're A Chengguan, It's Probably Best Not To Fight An Old Man Surrounded By Townsfolk" (SoV, 2:16) Also, "A Fight That Appears To End With One Man Biting Another's Leg." (SoV, instantly)
• This hotel-bed lady fracas was apparently spurred on by a $3 debt, and one of the participants having been acting "stupit." (SoV, 0:30)
• Here, a couple of utes in tuxedos resort to fisticuffs on a field. (SoV, 0:04)
• Your Harlem Fight (Brought to you by The Jewgent Show) Interlude (First contact, 1:41; First weave hits the ground, 1:41 1/2):
• Well, this is a little different from house parties back in my day. (SoV, 2:17)
• So, БОЙ НА СЕЛО must translate into oldhead's pretty badass, yo. (SoV, 0:15)
• "Norwegian bros, they're just like us," say American bros. (SoV, instantly)
• "Topless foreign dudes, they're just like us," say survivors of a cockfighting ring. (SoV, instantly)
• Per YouTuber Khaos969, "Apparently the black guy said 'u gotta bigger tits then my girl' to the white dude in the changing room ..argument continues to car park ;)" (SoV, 1:15)
• Your "Use Of Opponent's Rigidity In A Knife Fight" One to Grow On:
• Man gets choked out outside the Dublin House in Colorado Springs. Someone thinks to retrieve his Knicks hat. Lala just chilled in the background, content that he finally got his. (SoV, instantly)
• This. (Just watch it all)
• Decent little alley scrape here. (SoV, 0:09)
• Other: "Moral Of The Story: Don't Play In Traffic." "Fighting for a bike!lol" "WHITE FIGHT!" "Fat red neck gets whooped up!" "Street Ghetto Fight." "Drunken Fight Club The Rematch Round 2." "Road Rage:Two Taxi Drivers Hop Out Their Benzes and Fight In Middle Of Street." "Chula Vista fight." "Ahoskie Hood Fight." "Street fight E MONEY." "Student and teacher fight." "North Miami High School Street Fight." "Gogetta goin hamm on hater." "Gerald vs Bryan buffalo ny strreet fight!" "Dude gets laid out!!" "Schlägerei, Security vs Kaukasen. Russland 2012." "Trashy old girls fighting." "Toronto tough guy gets knocked out."
• Your Utterly One-Sided Spectacle Of Near Boob-Exposure Proportions Coda: