“Beware the Circling Fin,” by Early Man. From Matt:

Didn’t know if you’d heard of Early Man but they are amazing. Plus this video is set to He-Man cartoons and features Skeletor on lead vocals. If that doesn’t sell it I don’t know what else to do.


I’m sold. Who knew Skeletor had such lovely pipes?

Nazi Bill Simmons Lock of the Week!

Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals and random celebrities pick games to see if they can outwit their expert counterparts. There’s no reason we at Deadspin can’t also get in on the fun. So we’ve asked a fictionalized, Nazi version of popular sportswriter Bill Simmons to pick one game a week for us. Take it away, Nazi Simmons.


“This week, I like the Bucs giving 3 points at home to the Chargers. God, the Chargers are just like that one crazy Jewish girl you dated back in college. She wore tight sweaters and had a great rack for a short girl and you spent every night begging her to blow you, only she wouldn’t because she was a Jewess and prized money over sex. Then she finally blew you and it was fantastic so you married her, only now you’re married and you have to go to synagogue with all those horrible people every week, and you quickly realize that her rack is gonna sag soon. And then your buddy gets divorced and starts having great sex with all these hot young women and you’re stuck wondering why you’re still tethered to this inferior, despicable human being. And all you want to do is get divorced so that you can become your buddy’s wingman and have great sex with hot new chicks and vow to yourself to never date some annoying neurotic JAP ever again, and then she shocks you with divorce papers and takes all your money before you even knew what hit you because women are fucking horrible and I hate them. The Chargers are just like that.”


2012 Nazi Simmons record: 3-5

Chris Johnson Memorial Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

Reader Mark isn’t happy with Eli Manning.

Fuck Eli Manning. Seriously. He breaks out with 48 points in the second week of the season so he can make me think that he doesn’t completely suck balls. I’ve turned down trade offers for numerous other quarterbacks because Rotowire keeps telling me he is an elite fantasy talent. He is an elite douche. I’m sorry your multimillion dollar apartment lobby was flooded and you were forced to move to your vacation home for a few days. Eat a fat dick, thanks for the three points.


In other news, I don’t know that I can name this award after Chris Johnson anymore. He’s more or less a decent fantasy back these days. How dare he deprive me of the pleasure of hating his guts?

Gregg Easterbrook Is A Haughty Dipshit


This week’s TMQ column fell on Election Day, and of course Gregggg took off his scary national debt costume to lecture all of you for not voting:

The contemporary world is obsessed with gauging people’s sentiment... Yet we don’t vote.


What is wrong with society? Fortunately, Gregg has the answer in his new 700-page book, Zombies: Why Americans Don’t Do Any of the Things I Think Are Good for Them, Like Demand More Realistic Zombie Movies.

Only 57 percent of eligible voters cast ballots in the 2008 presidential election, versus a peak of 82 percent in 1876. Yeah yeah, you’re busy. Yeah yeah, the money in politics is disgusting. Yeah yeah, there is no guarantee a vote will be counted properly. Yeah yeah, you have to stand in line. Yeah yeah, all politicians are the same. Yeah yeah.


Yeah yeah, you probably sit there in front of the TV watching your NCIS: LA, which is a patently ridiculous show with many glaring flaws in how it portrays US customs. Yeah yeah, you’re probably too lazy to think of nice Bible passages to read to aliens should we discover them. Yeah yeah, you are all terrible people.

It was a sign of the Giants’ lack of focus that, Pittsburgh leading 24-20 with 2:45 remaining, Jason Pierre-Paul jumped up to celebrate wildly following a routine tackle. Celebrating after routine plays is bad enough — celebrating when losing shows lack of focus.


ZOMG GLORY BOYYYYYYY! Mark my words: Employing a first-round megabucks All Pro like JPP will soon lead to the Giants downfall. Who’s to say he hasn’t gotten into locker-room knife fights with Osi Umenyiora? Don’t put it past him.

Practically anything could happen in today’s election.

BUT NOT A ZOMBIE PRESIDENT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE LUDICROUS. Let’s stick to more plausible outcomes, like a ghost President, shall we?

San Francisco leading 24-0 at the end of the third quarter, Arizona faced fourth-and-2 on the Niners’ 10, and kicked a field goal... As the field goal boomed, TMQ wrote the words “Cardinals season over” in his notebook.


Holy shit, he busted out the SEASON OVER notebook entry. I wonder what other things Greggg has declared over:

• “War over” (after My Lai Massacre, 1968)
• “Election over” (after first Romney-Obama debate, 2012)
• “Date over” (after lecturing Cindy Reilly about tort reform and she wouldn’t let Gregggg feel her up, 1971)

Last season the Raiders were 4-2 when they handed the reins to Carson Palmer, newly acquired for a king’s ransom in draft choices. Since then they are 8-11.


But they got rid of so many draft choices! Isn’t that a winning strategy? No glory boys like JPP on your team that way!

So far there is no scientific consensus that greenhouse gases are making hurricanes more intense; though, this has not been disproved either.


“Climate change amps up other basic factors that contribute to big storms. For example, the oceans have warmed, providing more energy for storms. And the Earth’s atmosphere has warmed, so it retains more moisture, which is drawn into storms and is then dumped on us.” MAYBE.

Providence, R.I., has a system of barriers and pumps to protect the city against hurricanes. When Sandy hit, the barriers held and Providence was fine.


Reader Kevin says:

Providence is 20 miles offshore (albeit with a bay), and New York is literally on the coast, and consider this:

Population of RI: 178,000
Square Mileage of City: 20.5
Population per Sq. Mile: 8,682.93


Population of New York City: 8.244 million
Square Mileage of City: 468.5
Pop. per Square Mile: 17,596.58 (or double Providence, RI)

Your columnist wrote in a New Republic cover story, “If global warming theory is right, climate change will arrive before even the most ambitious reforms could counter the buildup of greenhouse gases. This makes the immediate priority adaptation — preparing to cope with climate change.” The article went on to detail adaptation responses that are needed immediately — crops bred to grow in hotter and drier conditions, sea walls and pumps in places like Manhattan. When did that article run?


Wait for it ...

Fourteen years ago.

KABOOM! You weren’t expecting that, were you? You knew Greggg was a fucking genius who has foreseen everything in advance because he is God of the Football Gods, but 14 YEARS! How can the Zombiestream Media sit on this explosive story for that long and sleep at night knowing they’ve wasted Gregggggg’s intellect? Godfrey Daniel!

The combination of gonzo tactics and the school’s location in one of the most beautiful places in the world makes the (Oregon) Ducks potent. Nice colors and cheerleaders, too.


Chip Kelly deploys an innovative offense and is re-thinking how we think about football. Also, nice tits, sweetheart.

When TMQ watches the Blur Offense, I don’t watch the razzle-dazzle, I watch the blocking.


I bet you FILTHY masses were watching the ball the whole time! O HO HO HO, you are pathetic. You almost deserve to be swept out to sea.

Oregon leading 48-38 at the start of the fourth quarter, Lane Kiffin sent in the punt unit on fourth-and-6 near midfield. TMQ wrote the words “game over” in his notebook.



Suicide Pick Of The Week

Last week’s picks of the Houston, Detroit, and Green Bay went 3-0, putting me at 19-8 for the season. Again we pick three teams for your suicide pool and something that makes you want to commit suicide. This week, the picks are Tampa, Seattle, Pittsburgh, and having every player on your fantasy team play at the same time. I had every fantasy player on my team last week starting in the 1 p.m. timeslot on Sunday, which is a remarkably unnerving thing to have happen. You’ve got three hours to get all your scoring done, and that’s it. After that, you are utterly helpless to watch as your opponent starts people at 4 p.m., at 8 p.m., and on Monday night. It’s sickening. I never want to re-live that experience again.


Great Moments In Bat Killing History

Reader Caroline sends in this story:

A few years ago, I was working in the upstairs den of a crappy house I shared with two other girls and my now-husband. It was around midnight and I was the only one still up. I kept hearing some strange chirping sounds coming from a closet that my cat was guarding. The cat managed to paw open the utility closet and a bat comes screeching out. I grab the cat, scream and fly down the stairs like a rapist is chasing me with a chainsaw. Once assessing that there was no rapist and only a bat, and that the bat was contained in the room upstairs, my now-husband said we can call animal control in the morning.

We were scheduled to move out of this crap house in two days and had already moved most things out of the room. I was tempted to abandon any possessions left in the room, forfeit the deposit, hand over the keys and tell the new kids “Good luck. Oh, and hey, there may or may not be a live bat in the room upstairs” - but cooler heads prevailed.

Animal control and private exterminators were no help, so my now-husband took on the task and approached the bat room with two tennis rackets, a box and a towel. He called me at work and I was able to listen to the whole bat hunt unfold on my headset. If you ever have the chance to listen to a dramatic animal capture on a headset, I highly recommend it - it’s like being in charge of an elite military force on a mission. The bat was asleep and hanging from an air conditioning vent in the ceiling . Unable to pry the bat away, my now-husband opted to unscrew the vent and drop the whole thing, bat and all, into a box. He covered the box with the towel and booked it outside. He left the box out in the sun, but felt bad for it and wanted to move it to the shade. Right after he took this picture, it sprung to life and reared its horrible fangs... So he let that bastard fry in the sun. We checked the box a few hours later and the bat was gone.

Two days later when we were moving out, the cat fell into a different vent and could only be extracted by the fire department. Fuck that house.


Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2012 chopping block:

• Norv Turner
• Mike Munchak*
• Chan Gailey
• Jason Garrett
• Rex Ryan
• Romeo Crennel*
• Pat Shurmur*
• Ron Rivera
• Mike Shanahan
• Andy Reid*
• Leslie Frazier
• Mike Mularkey
• Ken Whisenhunt


(*-possible midseason firing)

I know Bills GM Buddy Nix said Chan Gailey’s job was safe for next year, but that assumes that Buddy Nix won’t be fired himself, which he should be because he’s a crazy hayseed.


Gametime Snack Of The Week


Biscotti. Those cookies that women eat when they’re having coffee so that they can pretend to be Italian. Never eat one of these things on its own. It’s like eating a fucking stone. They’re not bad if you dunk them in a hot drink, though. It’s the kind of thing I eat if there’s no other food in the house. THIS IS ALL WE HAVE?! WE ARE DESTITUTE.

By the way, any time I dunk a cookie in a drink, I do everything in my power to saturate the cookie with as much liquid as possible, pulling it out of the drink at the exact right moment. Sometimes I wait too long, and then the cookie withers and falls down to the bottom of the drink and that is, without hyperbole, the WORST thing that has ever happened in the history of mankind. Never pull out too late.


Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week


Baltika #9. Reader Nathan sends in this bottle of Russian pisstonic.

The only places I have ever seen it sold is in the very Russian neighborhoods of Queens. It comes in huge 52-ounce plastic bottles of 8% ABV beer for around two dollars.

Needless to say when I first saw this I bought four bottles seeing it as an incredibly cheap way to get drunk (4 bottles is the equivalent of a 30 pack of 4.5% ABV beer). My excitement quickly waned after trying it. I can honestly say it’s the worst beer I have ever had. It tastes like they took a normal lager that they poured vodka into. The aftertaste seems like some sick combination of honey and cat piss. All this talking about it gives me chills, and also makes me kind of want to go back and buy more.


Man, does that look awful. Я должен иметь это. It’s clearly a drink conceived by Vladimir Putin to poison anyone who drinks it: Americans, Russians, whoever. Putin will kill everyone.

Robert Evans’s MVP Watch!

Time to start thinking about who the leaders will be for the NFL’s MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.


“Baby, my favorite for NFL MVP is JJ Watt of the Texans! This new Bond movie reminds me of all the good times I spent with my dear friend, the one and only SEAN CONNERY! Roguish? YOU BET! Abusive? THE WORST. I remember once we were running around Madrid, flirting with all the senoritas and guzzling all the sangria. Every time the Scotsman laid eyes on a lady he liked (which was all the time), he’d shout at me AYVANS! LOOGIT THE WEE LASS! I’M GOONNA POONCH HAIR IN THE FEECE! And then he’d run up and punch the girl right in the face! Twenty minutes later, they’d be in bed together! Face-punching was his signature move! I’ve never seen anything like it. I don’t recommend you try such things. Only Connery can pull that sort of thing off.”


Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Chiefs Fans

Les Miserables. The 1998 one. For real, they JUST made this goddamn movie. And this one has no singing! Why would I shell out ten bucks to see a musical version of this shit when I can get the NORMAL version with decent actors (Rush, Neeson, Danes) for cheap? I’m not a fool, Hollywood.


Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

“It’s a Krusty Kinda Khristmas, brought to you by ILG: selling your body’s chemicals after you die. And by Li’l Sweetheart Cupcakes — a subsidiary of ILG.”


Enjoy the games, everyone.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He’s also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com.