Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I went to a dime-a-dozen Catholic college in Upstate New York. There's about 100 of them and they're all the same. Booze and smoke all weekend, try to get laid, then go to mass on Sunday to absolve yourself.
I'm about two weeks into my freshman year and there are some prospects with this girl we'll call Zoe, with whom I've developed an interest. Significant flirting, lots of time spent together, but no real action. We go to a party in the neighboring town, where there is significant drinking. Zoe and I get friendly in the adjacent field. Kissing, groping, significant ass palming. It's clear that we're going to make something of the evening, but I'm not sure what. Remember...Catholic college. We mutually decide that a warm, roommateless dorm room beats a wet cold lawn. As we depart, two of my friends decide to tag along for the walk, not taking any hint that I was drying to get my knob polished.
We make the walk back and they follow me up to my room. For a half-hour, we endure the drunken ramblings of my friends. Zoe is sitting on my bed, as if to say "I'm waiting." The drunken friends are sitting on my roommate's bed and I'm in my desk chair. Finally, one of the friends decides it's time to leave and they go. Zoe gets up from the bed, locks the door, sheds her top (I was always disappointed that an 18-year-old girl with B/C cups had such saggy tits. Not that I was going to complain.) and straddles my lap. We make out, she's grinding my cock, I've got one hand on her ass and another on her chest. A trip to Sexyville, or at least the city limits looks good.
Now what I didn't know was that her roommate, a sloppy Brooklynite we'll call Maria, saw us leave the party. She was pretty slow to begin with, so the addition of cheap beer turned her into a stumbling mess. It took her nearly an hour to get back to campus, I figure, because by the time she came up to my floor and started pound on the door, Zoe and I were in bed and approaching full, mutual nudity. She knew we were in the room because I had a light on near my desk and the NPR/jazz station on in the background. Maria's pounding turned into running at full speed and flailing into my door, while sobbing that she needed Zoe. Eager to wait it out, Zoe and I quieted down. After 15 minutes, I hear male voices in the hall along with Maria who is sobbing. I then hear a knock and a male voice asking me step into the hall. I get my boxers on and poke my head out. The RAs on duty were out there with a crying, bloodied Maria (who had a gash on her head from hitting the door repeatedly). They asked if Zoe was, in fact, in my room. Zoe shouted yes. When I turned around, she was dressed. Zoe collected her roommate and went back to their room or wherever.
I got written up for a violating the after-hours intervisitation rule ($100 fine and I was docked points in the room lottery) and the next week, Zoe started dating some guy from a nearby college. Slut.
Spring of freshman year at UMD I had recently met a girl at a frat party. The weekend after we met the same frat had another party at a house I had never been to. This girl calls and suggests me and a couple friends meet up with them and walk to the party. This happened to be the night of the ACC tournament and the Terps had to win to get in. Needless to say as the game got out of hand and it became clear that was the end of our basketball season, the drinking got heavier, so by the time we stumble out of the dorm we were ready to go.
We all meet up and start walking to this party way off campus. At one point the girls complain that they need to pee and we stop at some other random party where the girls relieve themselves and we get pulled into a couple games of civil war. At this point my friends are beat, they don't want to walk any further into the dark and call it quits. Being sure I had a chance with my new friend I wish them good riddance.
We leave party one and finally get to the originally planned party. I had become friends with some of the frat guys and was playing beer pong in the basement when the cops show up to quiet down the party. Half the party empties out, including the girls. I get the text to come back to her dorm and respond instantly to the call from the bullpen. This is the part of the story that gets blurry for me.
I left the backdoor of the party and decided to walk back to campus. I had never been in this part of town but was confident that I had a superb sense of direction that alcohol could only improve and decided that I didn't need to take the streets to get back. I point myself in the direction and start walking.
The bits of my memory I have from here are scant but they include:
-A hill that seemed out of place and covered in briar but that I chose to climb (in my sandals and shorts).
-A barbed wire fence that somehow I wisely chose not to climb, but rather try to walk around.
-Deciding that if I walk along the tracks to the train station I could call NITE RIDE (a free shuttle service from UMD)
-Walking up to a train station and realizing it was not the college park station
-turning around and dragging myself the other direction on the tracks
-finally calling Nite ride around 4am.
-Waking up to sheets covered in blood, torn apart sandals, and my legs looking like I was attacked by a jaguar
After some googlemaps research I realized that I had went in the wrong direction, not once, but twice that night and had walked about 4 miles along the tracks to the next MARC station.
Needless to say, I never made it to her dorm
I was 21 and had just began the usual 2.5 mile drunken walk to the bars with my two roommates in the shit-ass Pacific Northwest weather when I decided it was a good idea to try our luck hitchhiking. Amazingly, the first car that drove by pulled over and we were pleased to see it was being driven by a pretty hot, extremely skinny blonde with her friend sitting shotgun. They were driving to the bars too! The 3 of us piled into the back and promised to buy them drinks for giving us a ride.
Fast forward to last call, turns out none of us had even acknowledged either of the girls the entire night from the second we got down there. It could have been due to the fact that they were too busy dancing like absolute CRACKHEADS on a platform above the dance floor. The blonde came up to me and insisted that we ride home with them (to this day I don't know how we made it) where my roommates finished the trip on foot and left me alone with blondie and her friend. The friend quickly got the hint that 3 was a crowd and passed out in her room. Left to ourselves, the crazy blonde opens the fridge, claims she needed to sober up, and vertically chugged the remaining HALF of a 2-liter of diet Pepsi all in one motion. We were making out for a bit with her straddling me on the couch, when out of nowhere the caffeine rush must have hit because she got up and violently threw off her dress, panties, and bra. I'm sitting on the couch staring at her above me thinking I'm in when she abruptly turns around, picks up a disposable camera, and tosses it at me. She demanded I begin taking nude pictures of her. I snapped through the entire roll of film while she posed in random spots all over her apartment. I just remember her yelling at me to keep taking pictures and asking "is this ok for my myspace page?" while she tried to cover her nipples and vertical smile, which is impossible to do when drunk, highly caffeinated, and on other unknown substances.
I finally got her to calm down enough to resume making out with me and things were easily escalated since all I had to do was take off my clothes. I put on a condom and start knocking at the door but it wouldn't go in. She kept shouting "OW!" every time I knocked even though I was barely pushing. I even gave a fake thrust with no contact and she still yelled in pain. She stops me and says she just lost her virginity last week and that her and her boyfriend are on a break. Tears follow and then all of the sudden she blurts out "oh my god, I'm going to get fat" and rushes off to the bathroom to puke while I'm left confused on the living room floor wearing nothing but a Trojan. I decided I had seen enough for one night, put my clothes on, and let myself out while she was still in the bathroom. I saw her about a month later and my face didn't even ring a bell with her. I still wonder what her reaction was like after she got the film developed.
I'm just out of college and started my new job at a Fortune 500 company. I have been flirting with this single chick at work for some time. We would run into each other at random bars and there was always a tremendous amount of flirting between us. Nothing ever happened between us, until she calls me on a weekday evening to invite me over to a wine party. I'm not sure what to make of the invitation but I decide to head over to the party. Ever see one of those NY warehouses in the movies that are turned into one huge artist loft? It turns out that she lived in such a loft and the "party" was one floor below with another couple.
The vino was flowing and I'm getting good vibes from Julie. She is rubbing my inner thigh and whispering things she wants to do to me. We finish the last bottle of wine and Julie grabs my hand and says we should head back upstairs. The design of the warehouse was a little unusual, but when you left the front door on the 1st floor, we had to walk all the way around the building to get to the staircase for Julie's place. It literally takes 5 minutes to walk around the building, but as we head up the stairs for happy time, we hear moaning and peak into the window. In the five minutes it took us to walk around the building the other couple is already naked and having sex on the dining room table.
As Julie is peering in the window watching, she starts grabbing my crotch and I'm starting on second base. She is definitely getting turned on by being a voyeur. All things are looking good and I'm definitely in. After a few minutes we race upstairs and clothes start coming off. As the heavy petting continues, I generously offer to give her oral pleasure, which is gladly received. Now that she is warmed up, I ask if she has a condom. She does, but says to me, "we're not having sex tonight". I'm too drunk and tired of the chance at this point, so I pass out in her bed naked. Never saw her again.