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Cockblocked At Coachella!

Illustration for article titled Cockblocked At Coachella!

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.


This was in April of this year at Coachella, which is a music festival out in California by Palm Springs for those who don't know. Mainly it's just a lot of hipsters and gorgeous looking LA girls attending, along with some other people from all around the world. Anyways, after all of the music sets for the day end at around midnight, everyone just heads back to the campgrounds to keep partying.

In the campground, there is a "silent disco," which is where they give you headsets that sync up with the DJ, so you can still dance without keeping everyone trying to sleep in the tents awake. Passing by, it looked retarded as a bunch of people were just dancing in complete silence to the same beat, which is a very bizarre and surreal sight, but I figured it was probably the best place to meet some girl. I offer the idea up to my friends, but they decide they are going back to the campground to pass out. We did go pretty hard the night before, and the temperature was above 100 degrees all day while we were day drinking.

But I said fuck it, loaded up my pockets with as much beer as I could stuff in them and headed to the silent dance party alone. I finally get into the damn thing after waiting in line for half an hour, and being one of the few people who thought to bring beer in with them, I turn out to be quite popular. I'm shutting down people asking for beer left and right until this really cute girl comes up and asks me for one in a British accent. Done. I give her a beer. She immediately starts grinding on me, and we start chatting, which turns out to be kind of awkward since we are each wearing headphones. I eventually just slip one side off my ear so i can listen to the music on one side and still talk, but for some reason she continues to shuffle her headphones off and back on after everything that is said. This involves me saying something, her going "What?" loudly and taking off her headphones, and then me having to repeat it. It's really annoying, but whatever, she is hot. I will deal with it.

Things actually start going well, and I ask her who she is going to see the next day, referring to the different bands that are playing. She immediately responds in her British accent, "Well, it looks like I may be seeing your cock with how this is going." I'm a little taken back by it at first and don't know what to say but then reply, "Well, you don't have to wait until tomorrow for that." She then immediately gets this weird look on her face and just starts projectile vomiting ALL OVER THE PLACE. It gets all over me, all over herself, and splatters on the people around us, most of whom are still dancing and oblivious to what is going on. I just stand there shocked. She immediately blurts out a sorry and just gets the fuck out of there as quickly as she could. In one moment, I was sure I was going to hook up with this hot British girl at Coachella in this total paradise setting, and the next moment I am covered in puke by myself next to a bunch of dancing hipsters. I decided that my night was over, and I handed out the rest of my beers I had to random people and went straight back to our campground. I just told my friends the next morning that they didn't miss anything the night before and left it at that.



A couple years ago I went to a backyard party in the Nashville outskirts with a girl I'd been dating for a few months. It was an awkward "Work Function" at first, but alcohol greased the wheels and over time most people began to loosen up and enjoy themselves. I minded my business in the background sucking down beers and laughing at my girl's jokes. As the sun went down, I helped start a bonfire around which, once the squares left, those there to party got comfortable.

The crew was mostly collard-shirt-wearing young professional former frat-and-sorority SEC graduates, but there was this one trade school kid, who dated our host, bouncing around a little more emphatically than the rest. No one could figure out why, until he sat down next to me and pulled a huge bag of fresh mushrooms from his pocket. He doled out handfuls to people he deemed "worthy", like any druggy dickhead would. I took a nice big pinch from the bag, my girl took a little one, and we settled in for the coming bum rush. Whereas the beer loosened everyone up, the mushrooms blew the scene to pieces. Music blasted, the fire danced, people told stories, and everybody laughed and laughed.

Thanks to the fungus, a general ruckus ensued. As everything wound down a few hours later, I came across the trade school kid while getting our shit together. He said something to the effect of, "Man, you're alright, have some for the road," and placed a mound easily twice as big as my prior dose into my hand. I tossed them back without thinking, washed them down with a Coors Light, and found my girl. We said the remainder of our goodbyes, called a cab, and headed back to my place. The fire and the beer and how well I got along with her co-workers had her feeling frisky, but my head felt like a water balloon that might explode with the softest touch. I didn't want to tell her that because we were still early in the doomed relationship, we hadn't had sex, and I didn't want her thinking I was some secret junky (which I was, but whatever).

We started fooling around, and it was the weirdest shit ever. My tongue became a dragon's tail and the sofa on which we were fooling around a ship adrift in a sea of Cheez Whiz. I looked to my guitar on the other side of the room at one point, and it gave me a wry smile. She was way into the fooling around, though, so I maintained and things went pretty well. I saw weird shapes and shit when I closed my eyes, but nothing too out of control. I got the sign to take things to the next level, so I moved my hand down her pants. She got way into this, too, so party time. I closed my eyes to savor the moment, and on the back of my eyelids A HERD OF COYOTE-HEADED CATTLE THUNDERED DOWN A PURPLE MOUNTAIN! I'd never thought of a cow with a coyote's head before, let alone an entire herd of them, but there they were, and it was hilarious.

I started to chuckle, but played it off as moaning. Problem is, I kept chuckling the more I thought about it, totally unfocused on the task at-hand and doing a steadily worse job of hiding it. "Are you laughing?" she asked, displeased. "NO!" I say, and completely lose my shit, geeking HARD. She got up in a huff and went to the bathroom. Realizing I was being a dick, I fessed up (not about the cattle, though). She came out of the bathroom a little cooled off but no longer wanted anything to do with me sexually. In an attempt to get back in the driver's seat, I begged off for a minute and went outside to have a smoke. I spent what felt like thirty seconds but easily could have been an hour watching golden sparks shower from the branches of a tree beneath a street light down my block. Just in awe. I went back inside mistakenly thinking I was out ahead it. I was not, but she was asleep on the couch, dead to the world, so it didn't matter. I spent the rest of the night giggling and listening to music, occasionally touching my face and marveling at how odd it felt. Never once did that fucking guitar stop smiling, either. We eventually had sex a few times before she dumped me. Those went a little better.


So when I was in university I was dating this girl named Chandra. I think it was Canada Day long weekend and one of my friend's folks were out of town so he was having a party at their place. I headed over with Chandra, her roommate and a couple of their friends to get our drink on. It was a really obnoxiously drunk night, I remember lots of flip cup, getting yelled at by noise complaining neighbours, playing a drunk game of sandman (a.k.a. grounders/sharkey) on a neighbouring playground and multiple incredibly loud sing-alongs of I'm On A Boat like good obnoxious 20-somethings circa 2009. Chandra and I split earlier than everyone else that was going back to her house to go get it on. We were going at and heard a cab pull up with the rest of her friends, who made their way in and started being loud and drunk downstairs.

This house had really thin walls and sound travelled and one of her friends has possibly the most irritating voice ever; it's like if Fran Drescher was a man. That guy was loud as hell downstairs talking to her roommates was enough to just 100% kill my boner in the middle of banging. Eventually they shut the fuck up downstairs and she was somehow able to coax me back to being awake and blew me till I finished before we both passed out. A couple hours later I got woken up to the sound of her standing at the foot of the bed screaming at me for no apparent reason. Just complete gibberish shit like "WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO PEE ON THE FLOOR, IT'S NOT FUNNY, WHY WHY WHY LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!!!"

Groggy and half-asleep I just sat their wondering what the fuck was going on until I could piece together that for no reason she got up, dropped the pjs she put on after sex, and just pissed all fucking over them and her bedroom floor and apparently dreamt that I told her to do it. Eventually she calmed down and I got a mop or something and it got cleaned up before going back to bed, but not before she yelled at me again to not touch or talk to her because she refused to believe it was a fucking dream.


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