Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
Last New Year's I went to visit my college roommate Brian, in Lincoln Park (Chicago). We bought an all you can drink package at a bar downtown, but first went to meet his girlfriend at her friend's place to pregame.
When we get there, I am pleasantly surprised to see the male/female ratio is a solid 2/6. Nice. Things are looking up. At the bar we meet up with some of our other buddies who I hadn't seen since college, all shameless, horny bastards. The booze starts flowing. It soon becomes apparent that one of the females, a blonde, is a bit more intoxicated than the rest. Naturally, my college buddies zero in on this and lavish attention on her. After a while, it becomes apparent she isn't succumbing to their advances. Once they move on, I seize the opportunity and start making small talk "how do you know so and so…" etc. Surprisingly, I get a much more positive response.
We chat for a while. I decide that it is rude of me to exceed the lady in sobriety, so in interest of chivalry, I start pounding drinks. It works. Eventually we all head downstairs to dance. The dancing quickly escalates to sloppy making out and further to lap dances. Brian hands me his keys and says I have the apartment all to myself. We grab our coats, get a cab, and drunkenly grope each other all the way back. We proceed to the couch and things are going well: dress off, bra off... I was on my way to poundtown. At this point, a very drunk Brian stumbles in. He sees we're nearly naked under a Snuggie, remembers his earlier promise, and quickly announces he is going out to booze more. A close call, but I continue, figuring if that little interruption didn't cock-block me, then I was free and clear.
Suddenly she stops and says, "Wait. I can't do this here." Fuck. In my horny haste, I failed to realize that a gross Craigslist couch in the middle of a three-bedroom apartment was perhaps not the best place for the sexin'. I had been given express permission to use Brian's bed to bang her, so I say "Then let's go to the bedroom."
As I open the door to the bedroom, sitting there on the window sill is…. Brian's pet ferret, Bearmanpig. The disgusting creature had its back arched, teeth bared, and was staring right at us. I can't recall if she actually screamed at the sight of said vermin, or if her jaw simply dropped out of horror/fear/disgust, but she did an immediate 180. I managed to coax her back to the couch for a bit, but the jig was up. She says "I really have to go," put her clothes back on and high-tailed it out of there. The cruel irony is that Brian told me the next day that the rat is only awake for about five minutes a night, and should have been asleep. So, yeah, fuck ferrets.
Drew (not me):
Back during my freshman year of college, one night would essentially change my life forever. I had to sell my new truck, transfer schools, and was dirt poor for a good 9 months following this event.
I had 4 friends from high school staying with me in my dorm room. Before the nigh started, we all consumed as much budget vodka as possible and we were ready to go. We headed to my fraternity's bar tab and heavy drinking ensued. We left around closing time and headed over to one of my buddies small house parties.
When we arrive, there are 9 guys playing beer pong and 2 girls on the couch. Not a solid start. One of the girls staying with me, Laura, developed an uncontrollable urge to play beer bong. I agree since this could play out how I had envisioned in my drunken horny state. A couple shots into the game, Laura grabs me and slams her tongue down my throat.
A little before 4 AM, the five of us get back into my dorm. Laura immediately climbs into my bed while my two absolutely hammered friends crack open a few more cold ones. Laura's friend lies down on the floor and starts to go to sleep. I climb up into my bed and start things back up with Laura. I was trying to be discreet with 3 of my friends 5ft away but as you can imagine that wasn't the case. I basically had two of my best friends commentate on each and every thrust. To make matters worse, this girl was LOUD.
About 20 minutes into the world's most awkward bone, I hear a knock on my door. Before I could say or do anything my friend answers the door with a beer in his hand. Standing outside is 4 campus police officers saying they heard "female noises from my room". Since it was my room, they made me come out in the hallway, wearing my sheet, condom still on. I received $180 dollars worth of dorm fines and they kicked all my friends out at 5:30 AM. They told me to stay in my room and work everything out in the morning.
"FUCK THAT!", I so stupidly thought. My friends were sitting outside of my dorm in their car now with no place to go. My phone was dead so I figured I would run down and point them in the right direction. I went down to their car, told them where to go, and started walking back to my dorm. I forgot my key so I asked this campus officer to let me in. He agreed except a real police officer was now right behind me. He told me to turn around and look at follow the light. At 6:03 AM I was arrested for public intoxication in front of my own dorm. Not only did I get blueballed by cops. I spent the next 13 hours in jail with my cell mate, Big Red. No more sex was to be had.
So a couple weeks ago I went to a coworker's wedding with two male coworkers. One of them, "Bill", met up with a girl a couple weeks before and decided he was going with her to the wedding. I guess she didn't want to go by herself because she didn't really know Bill and asked if he had a friend that needed a date so she could bring a girlfriend. He volunteered me, sent facebook pics, got this girl to agree to go with me without me knowing etc. No big deal, I didn't really care either way. So we meet up with them before and go out to lunch, do the ceremony and go to the reception. I'm not really too into my girl, she liked to talk about her old sorority and I could care less about that. So, because I didn't really have all that much in common with her I start pounding beers.
We leave the reception and go to two different bars and somewhere in there we start making out. So, bars close and my coworkers and two dates get in a cab and go back to our hotel room. We have two beds so each couple gets a bed and our married coworker friend has to sleep on the floor. We mess around quietly until we hear everybody else asleep and I start fingerblasting her. Whereupon she gives me the best backhanded compliment ever, " your game just came out of the woodwork". Anyways, I'm grinding on her and I eventually get her to agree to have sex.
To this day I don't know why I decided that I had to go to the bathroom to get the condom out of the wrapper and put it on. It's not like it's hard to put it on in the darkness, but for some reason that's what I did. So I came back from the bathroom and got on top of her and was inches away when she goes, "I can't do this. My best friend is in the next bed and there's two other guys in here" I tried to change her mind but she just wasn't budging and then she takes the condom off of me. I've never put a condom on and then not be able to actually use it and have to take it off, it was a terrible feeling. Then she tells me that she'll do anything else though, and I go well I'm not in high school anymore so I don't want a handjob, so how about a bj? And she goes anything but that. So I say, goodnight and pass out.
NOTE: Whenever I use a condom, I always guess wrong as to which side rolls down and which side doesn't. Never fails.
I was home for Winter break of my Freshman year of college. It was one of those everyone gets together at the guy whose parents let them drink nights and I had a flight to Boston the next morning at about 8 am.
I was obliterated and walking through security for the first time drunk. I was terrified and when I made it past security a rainbow appeared and angels sang. I plopped down next to the only young attractive girl I saw in the brief glance I did around the gate. Somehow in my drunken stupor we clicked and even got someone to switch seats so we could sit together. She went to Dartmouth and was single and I couldn't have had a greener light. There was talk of the mile high club and me taking a bus out to Dartmouth to do bad things to her.
Right as talks were really heating up the combination of the airplane turbulence and the vodka fucked over my stomach. I politely excused myself and ran for the nearest bathroom. Unfortunately someone was in there and I had to execute plan B. Puking in the nearest bus boy tray in front of about 8 passengers and a stewardess. I felt better but not like a million bucks as I trudged back to my seat. Word spread quickly that some loser had puked his guts out in the aisle and it didn't take long for the blinking neon signs to focus their light on me. I sat back down and the girl did offer me some toothpaste but I was shaking and could barely comprehend movement at that point. I never got her number or anything and woke up in Boston with a hangover and had to deal with family for the torturous 2-hour drive up to NH. I hope the girl from Dartmouth is reading this story so I can have a second chance.
Call Zach, Mystery Plane Girl! He reads this site, so you know he's a catch!