Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.


Dated a choreographer/dancer for a long time. Best sex of my life. We broke up eventually, but I stayed in touch with a bunch of her dancer friends. I had written some music for them (I'm a musician), and hoped to maybe do so for her friends.

Anyways, a couple years later, a friend of hers we'll call Alice shot me an email and asked if I was into writing some music for a project of hers. Sure, I said, I'd love to. In order to do so, of course, I'd need to watch some rehearsals to see what she was going for. WELL. Turns out this was an all-naked cast, featuring another dancer we knew in common who we'll call Indira.

Indira was far, far more attractive out of clothing than in it. I knew her previously and hadn't ever taken much note of her but she was undeniable in the nude – a bit short, extremely busty and curvaceous, flawless, dark brown skin (she was an Indian girl, that's important for the story as you'll see). She was also a consummate professional as a dancer and a pleasure to work with.

After a few rehearsals, the whole cast goes out for beers, and Alice, Indira and I linger. Eventually Indira and I take the same train together, and light making out ensues. This is totally unexpected and AWESOME. I work my damndest to get her fine Hindu dancing body into my bed for the rest of the rehearsal process.

Over the next 2 weeks some more hooking up entails but no home base yet, and Indira is back-and-forth on whether it's a good idea for us to be hooking up. One day she invites me out to her neighborhood, and I figure I'm IN. Turns out I was dead wrong. She wanted to have me out for drinks to tell me that we were NOT going to be hooking up any longer. A big part of it is she wants to get married soon, and her parents will only let her marry a Hindu guy (I'm just a default white dude). I'm pretty crestfallen but I stoically figure, "Well, I'm going to enjoy my drink while I'm here."

After two drinks, despite still being "off," she invites me back to her place. Are we back on? I go, and we watch a movie together, lying not especially close to each other on the living room carpet. The movie is "Must Love Dogs". This is a movie about a divorcee (Diane Lane) who goes on match.com or whatever and tries to find the right man. It's an absolutely abysmal chick flick about an unhappy divorcee, and the whole time I'm lying there, I'm wondering, "Why am I doing this to myself, and who in this movie is this girl comparing me to?"

Well. The movie wraps up. My emotions are extremely conflicted. I assume everything is still off. Indira gives me one glance, and about 5 seconds later, boom, clothes are 100% off and we are fucking, no protection. And she feels totally amazing. The sex is heavenly! Heavenly… except that I experience about 7 seconds of it before she begins crying profusely, stops the whole thing, the kicks me the fuck out of her house, never to return a call of mind, and never even to have a brief conversation with me on the train (we've run into each other there several times).

What a great 7 seconds though!

Longer than Jerry Jones lasts. ZING!


Back in college "Audrey" was well known for being the best fellatrix in the greater Gainesville area, and she took a shine to me in our history class. So this Friday night in February, I run into Audrey and her group at this bar downtown. She is REALLY drunk, and throws her tongue down my throat as soon as she sees me (this is a first). Things move along nicely from there. Lots of hugging, more kissing, hand riding up my leg. Things are looking good. At closing time, the larger group dwindles down to about 8 of us who decide go to an after hours party, including her friend Tom, who was with one of her sorority sisters. Audrey and I split up are in separate cars, so we agree to meet there.

She arrives about 15 minutes later with Tom, and she's limping badly. She explained that they decided it would be a good idea to dance in the fountain outside of the bar (it was 25 degrees that night). As they were all getting out of the fountain Tom was holding her hand and he jumped down before she was ready and pulled her off the edge. She landed badly and her ankle was swelling terribly. After 15 minutes of her insisting that she wanted to stay and party, I finally convince her that she needs to go to the hospital. She insists that the party come with her, so me, Audrey, Tom, Tom's hookup, and two other couples all cram into a van and head to the hospital. Audrey and I are in the back and she starts making out with me again and tells me "Once we take care of this," pointing to her leg, "I'm going to take care of this," grabbing my cock.

Around dawn and a cast and crutches later, we all end up at Audrey's apartment. At this point we are all stone cold sober and exhausted. Audrey and I pass out on her couch. The closest I ever got to that sweet head was her sucking on my fingers in the back of that van.

P.S. Tom basically became Audrey's nurse while she was in her cast. They started hoking up soon after and later got married. Asshole.



It was my sophomore year in college, and I had a pretty great fake ID, so my roommate (of age) and I frequented the downtown bars. After spending some time drinking at the bar we move over to a table near the back. At around this time, a girl walks by and bumps into me, accidentally, spilling some beer on my shoe. She was pretty drunk already at this point, and this clumsy act started up a conversation.

I don't remember her name (let's call her "Maggie"), but I do remember that she was visiting from Chicago, and that she was 26 years old. She asked my age at one point so I gave he the age on my fake ID, which was 23. As we continue drinking, I'm pretty excited to be chatting with a cute girl seven years my senior. My friend had disappeared at some point in the night, and eventually this girl and I start making out. Maggie tells me that she is staying at a friends house and that she is flying back home to Chicago at 7am the next morning.

Maggie, along with her friend had biked to the bar that night and were ready to bike home, which was about a mile away. I had biked to the bar myself, and I was invited to tag along back to her friends place. We continue making out as we leave the bar and unlock our bikes to head home.

We are about two blocks away from turing onto her friends street, with the girls biking in front of me. I then notice that Maggie has stopped peddling her bike, and is slowly veering to the right side of the road. Her bike begins to wobble and lean, and before I realize what's happening, she face-plants right into the sidewalk. Her friend and I ride over towards where she crashed, and when we turn her over to check on her, she's got blood coming from her nose and she has no idea what is going on. She might have chipped a tooth too...I don't remember.

As we are checking on Maggie, a woman pulls off the road next to us and dials 911. About three minutes later a fire truck pulls up along with an ambulance to come tend to Maggie. The ambulance crew is asking me questions about Maggie, to which I reply "I just met them at the bar...we were going back to her place" (I think he flashed a smile at this). The Good Samaritan has also spoken briefly to the firemen, and then gets back in her car and drives away. Meanwhile, Maggie's friend is freaking out to the firemen about how Maggie has a 7am flight. Two firemen come over to the side of the road and grab the two girls' bikes and load them into the truck. Maggie is loaded into the ambulance, with her friend riding in front.

In an instant I found myself standing alone on the side of the road with my bike...still drunk and half convinced that this could not have really happened (until i saw the pool of blood again on the sidewalk). I hop on my bike and ride home, and can't help but laugh at how close I was...

I hope she made her flight.

You see, people? Biking does no one any good.


Sara and I start our beer pong game. After a few games of winning (I was weirdly good at beer pong), I decide I'm not getting drunk enough and suggest we take shots of rum during the games. Sara says she'll take a couple and me being the mature sophomore I was, decide its a good idea if I can see how many shots I can take. The beer pong games and shots fly by with me and Sara grabbing each other's naughty parts quite often. Sara counts that I've had something like 12 shots and at least 10 games of beer pong, so I'm obviously getting to the point where I'm sloppy drunk. This doesn't derail Sara from her mission as she finally says she's done with beer pong and starts ferociously making out with me. On to my bedroom it is.

We toss around in my bed and as drunk as I was and as aggressive as she was, I'm sure it looked like a bear attacking a floundering salmon. I struggle to get her shirt off but finally accomplish the feat. If this wasn't tough enough, now I had to figure out the damn bra. I remember struggling for quite some time. Finally, she sits up on my bed in a still position and offers a hand. I'm thinking thank you God. Somehow this girl is still DTF and I didn't blow it.....too soon though.

As she's taking off her bra, I start to pass out. Unfortunately, I pass out falling straight forward into Sara. I remember trying to catch myself at the last moment by grabbing Sara's head. Man, bad idea. I end up ramming her head into my wall so hard that it puts a hole in the wall. Somehow, as drunk as I was, I have a fairly good recollection of this, probably because I thought I had just killed her. Sara goes down like she took a punch from Mike Tyson. I manage to mumble out something along the lines of "Are you alright?". She managed to mumble back some gibberish that sounded like she was as drunk as me (hmmm, she didn't sound like this before). I must have passed out after this because this is the last thing I remember. Sara wakes up from her coma at some point early the next morning and accidentally wakes me up as she is leaving my room. I manage to blurt out "What happened, are you alright?" Sara doesn't respond and walks graciously into the sunset.


Pure class right there.