Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
My girlfriend broke up with me about a week ago. I moped like Morrissey for the first few days, then spent the next several drinking and hanging out with friends. I made sure I kept my apartment clean and tidy, in case I got lucky and brought a girl home.
And Tuesday, I did. Went to a bar and met a hot girl of indeterminate age (she was at least 18) and loose morals. Rebound hookup, just what I need! I invited her back to my apartment. We head back there.
I can't even finish opening my bottle of merlot before we're heading to the heavy petting zoo. Shirt off, hand down her shorts, she suggests we head to my bedroom. SCORE!
I realized I forgot to do something after the breakup. I didn't take down the million pictures of me and my ex. SHIT. She was on top of me, clothes off, when she looked at the wall and saw a pic of us. She stopped grinding and asked me who that girl was. "My sister," I muttered. She bought it. ON TO POUNDTOWN
A few minutes later, I was in. She was still on top, and she looked at the other wall. 47 pictures of me and my ex, most of which we were kissing. I'm not from Arkansas, so I didn't bother using the sister excuse again.
She immediately got off me, reclothed, and stormed out. Didn't say a single word.
My ex screwed me after she stopped screwing me. FUCK.
Why didn't you take the pictures down? Are you an idiot?
One night I am out at a club with some friends and I start making eyes with a girl who I had seen there a few times before. After a while we wind up doing shots at the bar when the eyes turn to full on fondling. We quickly leave the bar and head back to my apartment where I know we will be alone since my two roommates have to work until very late. The deed is completed and we decide to hop in the shower to wash off and maybe get in a double-header.
Unfortunately for us, one of my roommates had to leave work early due to a bad case of food poisoning. We start getting up for round 2 in a nice hot shower when my roommate starts shaking the handle of the bathroom door. Before I can turn the shower off and move the festivities to the bedroom he rams the door open and starts going dual-end on the toilet. My date and I have to wait in the shower for 15 minutes while he tries to get it all out of his system enough to go back to his room to lay down.
Needless to say, the double-header was called on account of sickness.
At least you got one game in.
So it was my senior year of high school and we are at this girl's parents house. It's a decently swanky, large house with a big pool house outside of it. The girl's parents were out of town, and would routinely leave her alone and we would always shack up there. I'm pretty sure they knew all about them, but just chose to ignore it.
To preface what's about to come: There were two girls at the party, both of whom I had hooked up with before. I had never done the deed with either of them, but had certainly rounded third base with both on a few separate occasions. They were both good friends, and always gave off a weird vibe when you were around them. With that said, I had even actually slept in the same bed with both of them prior to this... although it was mostly passing out after a bizarre evening of drinking. So no three way action prior, but the vibe about it was always lurking in the background.
Back to the party: So the place is packed out, everyone drinking, doing stuff high schoolers normally do. I realized I was getting the massive urge to take a leak. As such, I decide I'd rather go inside to take a piss than try for the poolhouse bathroom that's inevitably covered in puke. As I walk across the driveway to get to the house, I see the two girls in question walking arm and arm into the house. Being happy drunk, I walk up and join in on the three-way hug as we walk inside. We see a buddy of mine we all know:
Guy we know: "Where are you guys going?"
Me, coyly: "Where all going inside to fuck, where do you think we're going?" (laughs)
It was at this point, that I get a serious, sly look from one of the girls. We walk inside and part ways as I head for the bathroom and they head for the stairs. Just as I'm about to unleash my super soaker of piss in the bathroom I hear a knock. I painfully cut it off, and open the door. One of the girls peeks her head in the bathroom and says, verbatim: "When you're done, we'll be up in Jessica's room". I smile, close the door. It was at this point that I realize what's going on. My life, has reached its pinnacle no doubt. I finished up as fast as possible, and make the move upstairs.
I get to the top of the stairs. It was one of those houses that has the catwalk like hallway over the foyer. There, I reach the cul-de-sac like end of the hallway. There are six doors, all closed: Closet, no. Guest room, no. Bathroom, no. Brother's room (Blink 182 poster), no. Office, no. What the fuck? Is this a joke? I'm stuck in the middle-upper class version of Pan's Labyrinth. I try a few of the doors again, albeit hammered drunk, to no avail. Whatever, fuck it, they were probably joking and left.
So I retreat back to the party, broken. 30 minutes later both the girls show back up, giddy and smirking like they just did the deed. I die a little inside. I stumbled back into the house, crashed up the stairs, and threw open all of the doors. And then I found it. The room, the one with girly pink shit everywhere.
I missed out on a threesome because I was too stupid to actually notice which doors I had opened, and which I hadn't. I slept in my car that night, out of sheer disgust with myself.
I had come back from the city with my buddy after a long night of drinking. It was about 3am and we had the cab drop us off at his place. Since I didn't have a ride back home and failed miserably at landing a female earlier in the night, I texted a girl who I know had a thing for me. We had hung out a few times before but never actually hooked up.
So she agrees to pick me up and drive me home. After parking in my driveway, she asks if she can use my bathroom. I oblige. At this point, I know I'm going to get somewhere at least. She leaves the bathroom and I ask her if she wants to hang out for a bit. She agrees. After about 5 minutes of talking about God knows what, we start going at it. Shirts off, bra off, the whole deal. She asks me to go into my bedroom to continue the fun.
After about what seemed like 40 minutes of foreplay, her skirt is still on and every time I go for it, I get denied. Whatever. Ten minutes later, same thing. She was on top and dry-humping like crazy. And at some point, she stops and says "You can grab it, you know?", referring to her ass. (Up until that point, I had been focusing on her huge boobs.) But after her saying that, I assumed she was ready to go. I go for her pants again....denied. It's been about an hour or so, and I still have my boxers on. So growing ever more frustrated, I stop and say to her "You can grab it, you know?" Next thing you know, she is putting her clothes on and heading out the door.
Was my frustration and snarky comment warranted?
Yes, but that's little consolation to you now, isn't it?