Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I'm on vacation next week. If you have a DHF story, send it in to the tips line, children. Now let's do this.
I was a hippie in college. I had unkempt facial hair and wore patchouli-soaked baggy (or tie-dye) clothing. I never understood why chicks didn't dig me, and so I tended to compensate with recreational drugs and the booze. My sophomore year, two gal friends from my high school ended up at the same college and we would pal around together. One of them had a very hot roommate who we can call Mary. Mary was blond, had a great body and was generally the type of girl that wouldn't notice me if I was standing right in front of her. Long story short, and to my great surprise, I was informed that Mary thought I was cute and that I should ask her out.
Next time I saw her I laid it on pretty thick, and despite my complete lack of game (even for a disheveled hippie) she dug it. We ended up making out one night on the weekend before spring break and decided to take a trip together to New Orleans (where I had friends in school at the time) with our time off. Fast forward through a mundane car ride to NOLA, meeting up with my friends at their dorm, and going out to Bourbon Street for the first time. Things are going great. Mary is wasted and having a blast, we're all dancing and making fools of ourselves.
She and I were making out at some point and she asks if we can take off early to have the dorm to ourselves. Needless to say I'm elated. I haven't been laid in over a year and internet pornography was still about three years from being a practical reality. I need this. We cut out and I'm the happiest man in the world. Somewhere around this time I made the executive decision to partake in some hallucinogenic mushrooms I brought for the trip. She decided to join me despite having never tried anything stronger than vodka in the past. What could possibly go wrong?
Anyway, we get back to the dorm, get things started, clothes are off and hands are going everywhere. She's digging it, I'm digging it and about to get the party started when she whispers something that sounded like "don't." Naturally, I stop and ask what she said. She claims to have said nothing. I spring back to action but then she whispers something like "you can't do this" or some non sequitor shit like that.
I got the impression she wasn't really talking to me and she would occasionally giggle or sort of half gasp like she was surprised for no reason. Full stop. It's apparent that she is now narrating some weird internal debate about sleeping with me while wildly hallucinating and possibly talking to (or about?) her father. The drugs had taken hold quickly and things got weirder. I gave up on coitus, and when I started putting clothes back on she started accusing me of not loving her and started crying and talking about her family. My friends came home at this point and kicked me out into the hallway, where I spent the next eight hours wondering if she was schizophrenic. We eventually got kicked out of the dorm by one of the RAs who heard her yelling "YOU FUCKING MONEY SHOELACE HAMSTER" or something bizarre like that. We spent the rest of the night in the car. The next day we drove back without a word and never spoke again.
After my sophomore year in college me, my girlfriend, her sister, and sister's boyfriend take a summer road trip out to California. Money is pretty tight so we have to be selective on which nights we get hotel rooms and which nights we sleep in the car. Well we finally make it to California (traveling from Alabama) and have stayed a couple nights in a row in a hotel. So in order to save some cash we decide to find an isolated place to park and just sleep in the car. We ended up finding a decent place on top of a hill about 50 feet off the road. By this time all four of us have been around each other for about a week now and it's kind of hard to find some "alone time". So instead of sleeping in the backseat, my girlfriend and I decide we'll sleep on the ground in front of the car.
It was a calm, cool night so we just laid out a plastic tarp and sleeping bags instead of pitching a tent (no pun intended). We decide its dark enough to fool around without getting caught so we proceed to take off our clothes. We're about 2 minutes into it when she says "Ouch, something just bit me down there!" Being the horny jackass I am I reply "Oh, it's probably nothing." Thirty seconds later she says "Something just bit my pussy again! Get off of me!" Now I know it's something serious when she's using the "P" word so I hop up and grab the flashlight. I point the flashlight on her and she has what looks to be a thousand fire ants all over her torso and hips. She starts screaming in pain and this startles her sister and the boyfriend in the car. He turns on the headlights and exposes both our naked bodies jumping around and swatting the ants off of us!
It turns out we had laid the tarp directly on a fire ant bed and she ended up with a dozen or so ant bites while I somehow lucked out and only got bitten twice. Needless to say we had a long night in the back seat of the car and I didn't get laid again for a month.
I went to university on the other side of the country, so returning home for Christmas break was always a big party. So we're out, and I run into this girl I tried to get with in high school but failed miserably, let's call her Melissa. I haven't seen her in about 4 years, and we've both been drinking for hours at this point, so the initial conversation is not awkward at all, thank goodness for alcohol.
Soon, more booze and flirting leads us to an after party at my buddy Sauceman's apartment where Melissa and I start making out. Things are looking great for me as she pulls me down the hall towards one of the bedrooms, and it suddenly dawns on me this might be going somewhere. Now we're on someone's bed, drunkenly starting to get it on in the pitch black when Sauceman bursts through the door, throws the light on and continuously screams at the top of his lungs, "no cum shots! no cum shots!" I mean, he repeats it over and over again, while I just sit there stunned.
Well this, in and of itself, is not a big problem. But it draws a bit of a crowd, and now there's 15 or so people standing there in the doorway listening to Sauce rant like prophet about what is, and is not, acceptable in his bedroom. Melissa and I sat on the bed for a while, kind of waiting for everyone to clear out, but Sauce ranted long enough that Melissa left to get a drink. We didn't make it back to the room that night or any other night.
Never be friends with someone named Sauceman.
My sophomore year of college I was dating a girl in one of the jewish sororities on campus. Not very odd as I am Jewish although a very bad jew (no hebrew school, no bar mitzvah, no temple unless as a result of a death in the family). To this point in my life religion was about 9,000 items down on my list of priorities.
So this girl invites me to her sorority's annual semi-formal event where they have to get a date for themselves and also a date for their younger "little sisters." I had no other plans and to this point we had done everything but fuck so i figured I would be a good sport and go and figured tonight is the night she'll be hammered as will I and home plate here I come.
The night of the party everyone is hammered drunk in our formal attire and after several hours of partying I take a seat at a table with my boys who also were invited and we get to talking about how I am finally gonna land this girl. This is when she proceeds to stumble over to the table, sit on my lap, and announce to the table that she thinks I need to be a better Jew. She thinks i need to stop drinking and other illicit things and go to temple with her. Needless to say that sobered me up quick and my friends are fall on the floor laughing. She then proceeds to explain that the reason we hadn't gone all the way is because she wasn't sure I would be a good boyfriend because I was not religious enough and that she was hesitant to sleep with me as a result.
Last semester I pledged a fraternity in a large SEC school. On the big Friday party nights we would have two people be the designated driver from 10 PM-3 AM, then the other three of us worked the party (cleaning up cans, making sure there were no fights, keeping people from taking alcohol, etc.) that was better than being the DD cause you could drink and would try to get laid but most of us usually struck out because we were pledges.
This night was an exception to that theorem, or so I thought. The three of us were working the party when it started to die down at around two in the morning and I was hitting it off with a girl who we will call Claire. Claire and I decide after some making out and exploring each others crotches that we should go to her apartment. I could see the third base coach waving me home as this was in the bag, and to top it all off Claire was hot and was a well known virgin. So my pledge bros tell me to go take her v card as long as I'm back at 6 AM to clean. Cause if one of us missed we were fucked beyond belief. So we stumble to her apartment and the rest of them go back to a dorm to hit a bong and watch movies before we clean.
Fast forward past the walk, making out, and heavy petting to the part where I'm naked with the condom on and had just started entry into the most holiest and tightest of lands and my cell phone rings, now my mom had been in the hospital, Claire knew this and we agreed that I should get it and we could continue afterwards. I answer and instantly hear screaming, "YOUR GIRLFRIEND SAYS TO STOP FUCKING HER AND GET BACK HERE AND CLEAN!" Now I had no girlfriend at the time, I tell Claire this and she is denying my advances and drunken claims of innocence. Realizing that it was over I get what clothes I can find in her room that are mine and leave wearing a t-shirt and free balling in basketball shorts (no idea where my Polo, blue jeans, and boxers went) having to make the trek across campus in January while it snowed up to two inches, which translates into a shitload in the south when converted into the Metric System. I meet my pledge brothers outside the house and demand to know which one cockblocked me. The say it wasn't them and they were too stoned to even think of something this evil up. As soon as we go into the house there are two brothers there that tell us "we get to clean" now ,so we can sleep in. They admit they made the call and completely pulled the girlfriend part out of their ass to kill all chances and to make sure I was there. So there I stood freezing my ass off, quickly sobering up with a severe case of blue balls picking up empty beer cans in the snow just cause I "got to clean."