Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
New Years eve, 1998, and all was good. At the time I was in my 2nd year of university and good friend invited a bunch of us to a house party to welcome the New Year. As we arrive and head to the basement, the place is packed with young girls and the party is bumping. I get the eye from a girl on the dance floor and I slowly made my way over. This girl must have been about 18 and she was good to go. We grinded on the dance floor for a few songs and then the make out session began. It started on the dance floor and was getting hot and heavy all while LL Cool J, "doin it and doin it" was blasting through the speakers. I soon realized there was an opportunity for a full out bam-bam session and had to work quickly to find a place to perform the deed. I looked around and there was not a secluded spot to be found. Finally, I opened a door and there was nothing but darkness, perfect.
We close the door behind us and in the dark, feel our way around and luckily find a mattress. I laid her down and went full throttle on removing her clothes. I got her shirt and bra off and was on my way to glory when all of a sudden the lights turn on. I look around and I'm surprised to find myself in a car garage, next to a Toyota, all while on top of an old mattress with a half naked girl. I turn to see who would interrupt my chance at glory, and see a girl who apparently is hosting the party absolutely freaking out and very much intoxicated. Apparently, she knew the girl I was fooling around with and screams "whore!" and all hell breaks loose. The hostess flies across the garage with fists of fury and starts pummeling my Garage Whore. I get up, zip up my pants and make my way out of the garage and leave the party. I waited 15 minutes and went back to the party in hopes of finding my Garage Whore. Unfortunately, she was kicked out and my chance of glory was gone. Nonetheless, to this day, I aspire on getting it on in a car garage but unfortunately, my wife is having none of it. Ah, to be young again.
Guess you'll have to bang your socket wrench. By the way, it's funny how your sexual history can make something as mundane as a garage a trigger for sexual arousal. Hey look! A garage! I almost fucked in that! I… gotta go masturbate now! Everybody's got their random libido triggers.
Way back in the summer of 1992, one of my best friends was getting married and asked me to be the best man. He lived in coastal South Carolina at the time, and I lived in Pennsylvania. I had no car, and plane tickets were something like $700, so it was arranged for me to ride down there with friends of his parents. (the guy drove like a maniac, pushing 90mph the whole way and when we arrived we saw that one of his sidewalls was worn so thin the metal fibers were poking through.)
So that night I got friendly with my new friends in the bridal party. The groom takes me aside and warns me about the matron of honor, Elizabeth. Elizabeth is married, a loose and lascivious woman, and reported to be carrying a social disease along with that winning smile.
No big deal. The next day was the wedding and a really short reception that was consisted of balloons, cake, and fruit punch. An hour after the whole event started, it was history.
I had nothing planned, no car, knew nobody after the groom and his new bride left for their honeymoon, no where to go, so Elizabeth takes me back to her apartment and starts feeding me beer. Her estranged hubby was a no-show.
We hang out at the apartment complex's pool. Drink beer. We meet up with a couple of her girlfriends, drink beer, and go out to a bar. Then another bar, just the two of us.
We're getting cozy at the bar, and I'm throwing down bottles of beer. At the time, and maybe it's still true today, Southern bars hadn't heard of draft beer. Finally, my bladder is about to burst so I excuse myself and stumble to the mens room, where I raise the level of the Atlantic Ocean more than a melting ice cap would. One good ol' boy in mens room spoke in awe of the power of my Yankee beer bladder.
We stumble back to her car, she bitches at me for playing with her car phone (which was a new gadget back in those days) and she drives me to the happy couple's place, where I'm to spend the night. I thought she'd leave me there (I was too drunk to know what she had in mind), next thing I know she's cuddled up next to me. I was engrossed in late-night TV so I hardly paid attention to her.
Then she said she was sleepy. Finally getting a clue, I scoop her up into my powerful arms and carry her to the bride and groom's bedroom. Where I promptly dropped one of the most seductive lines known to mankind, "Where did your pants go?"
Now, I was hideously drunk, but not so drunk as to forget what the groom told me. We're making out, doing just about possible foreplay combination when the groom's warning came back to me: 'Watch out for that one, she's got the gift that keeps on giving.'
I had no condom to speak of. So I suddenly froze, just long enough to pass out.
Next morning, we awake and I've got the most engorged hard-on. Of. My. Life. The night before was a pitiful warm-up act for what we start into. I basically say to myself, 'fuck it. I'm goin' in' and just as I get behind the plow there was a knock at the bedroom door. Unbeknownst to me, another couple had spent the night in a separate bedroom.
A soft female voice says apologetically , "Uh....guys? (Groom's) parents are here." They showed up hours early to drive me back to Pennsylvania.
I shower, throw my stuff in my bag, and walk out. Elizabeth stayed hidden in Happy Couple's nuptial bed.
He means herpes, right? I'm very bad at Guess the STD.
As a pledge, we were required to have our pledge pins (think small shiny button) on us at all time. To show up to our weekly meeting without your pin would result in hours of hazing for the whole pledge class. This made for a fun game for girls to try to get your pin from you so they could make you do favors for them to get it back. The girl I'm talking with decides it was time to step her game up and get my pin from me. What began as her asking nicely while batting her eyes, quickly turns into her reaching down my pants and giving me a hand job in the middle of the party. Not a bad deal until she swoops on my pin and stops just as it starts to get good. I'm left standing there with a full strength hard on and no pledge pin.
We heard various stories on what girls would make guys do to get their pins back. I was fully prepared to wash her car, take her to dinner, or other lame stuff like that. But as luck would have it, she had something completely different in mind which could have resulted in the single best night of my adult life.
I found her later on that night when she was taking some shots with one of her equally hot girl friends. This one was a tall, skinny blond with great tits. I asked what I needed to do to get my pin back and she casually explained that she only recently got a boob job. Part of the recovery was that she needed to massage them to make sure they stay soft. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but either way I was told I would need to go back to her dorm room to massage her boobs for an hour for my pin. Her friend didn't feel like sticking around the party alone and asked if she could come back and have hers massaged at the same time. This is a slam dunk three some, right?
The three of us start walk back to her dorm room. They start talking dirty and make it 100% clear we're not going back to this dorm room just to massage some titties. We stop at the front desk to check me in as their guest since I lived in a different dorm. I hand the RA my drivers license and start walking towards the elevator with them. I'm literally a thirty second elevator ride away from pounding out two hot drunk gals when the RA calls me back to the desk. My driver's license had expired 3 days earlier and was no longer considered a valid form of ID. I was denied access to the building and told to leave immediately.
In retrospect, I should have told the RA to fuck off and gone up anyway. Instead the girls I'm with laugh it off and invite two guys hanging out in the lobby to come up with them. One of them was a guy in my frat and it turns out the guys fucked them that night. The next day I had to walk a mile to buy them all McDonald's breakfast and bring it back to her dorm so I could get my pin back.
So for those of you keeping score at home- I missed a threesome because I was an idiot and didn't mail in my license renewal on time. The girls ended up fucking two other guys that night and then I get further degraded by having to buy all four of them breakfast the next morning to get my pin back.
DRESS THAT LINE, MISTER!
So I received this email from a fellow kickballer this afternoon. We were wondering where we'd seen the guy that was dancing with our shortstop.
————— Forwarded message —————
Date: Thu, Aug 26, 2010 at 2:14 PM
Subject: Re: KLAHIJ first game, part deux
I woke up this morning with this guy snuggling my roomie:
Holy Jesus. It's like Demetri Martin mated with the lead singer of Haddaway.