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College Football Preview: Colt McCoy and Chase Daniel Duel for Rights to All The Oil in Texas (And the Heisman)

Back when I wrote that I couldn’t wait to watch the BYU-TCU game, I meant it. Completely. But what I forgot was that I’d be on the road in a hotel room. I don’t know why it is but hotels have the most erratic cable channel selections known to man. If you’re anything like me you’ve found yourself lying on a bed, flipping through the channels, gradually getting more and more desperate as you realize that despite the fact you can buy a porn movie called, Ugly Chicks And Guys with Small Dicks (also known as the state of Ohio summed up in seven words) the hotel doesn’t carry something like ESPN 2. Back in 2004, I went to a friend’s wedding on the same day as UT at Ole Miss. (This was in the days back when my team was decent.) You haven’t seen anger until you’ve gone back to your hotel room and realized the hotel doesn’t carry ESPN 2. Unless, that is, you’ve ordered a porno movie for $14.99 and it’s soft core. So I was pretty much resigned to the fact that Versus wouldn’t be included in my cable’s television package. Then, miraculously, it was. So I got to watch BYU at TCU. And now we know that BYU is done for BCS purposes thanks to their 32-7 loss that was never close. Most amazing stat of the game? BYU rushed 28 times for 23 yards. That TCU run defense is unbelievable. So now we start the one-loss team handicapping. Because this year’s BCS Title Game isn’t going to feature any undefeated teams. Count on it. Here’s a breakdown of the 9 most interesting games coming up this weekend. Georgia Tech (-2) at Clemson- This line moved from Clemson favored by 2 to Georgia Tech being favored by two after the Tommy Bowden firing. So does this mean Bowden’s brilliance is worth four points to Clemson? That would seem to be the case since nothing else changed. If so, the Tigers might as well cancel the rest of the season. By the way Mark Schlabach of pointed out to me the other day that Clemson is starting a student manager at right guard. How is this even possible? Do you really blame Clemson’s C.J. Spiller for bailing on this game with a pulled hamstring? I don’t think I’d even bother returning to the team if I were him. He has nothing to gain. Just go ahead and put your name in the NFL Draft and see what happens. Ohio State (-3) at Michigan State- Michigan State hasn’t beaten Ohio State since 1999 yet everywhere you look Michigan State fans are beating their chests, pissing on gray sweater vests, and bragging because they don’t go to Western Michigan. (Honestly, this might not be that different than usual.) Michigan State is quietly 3-0 in the Big Ten and hasn’t lost since their season opener at Cal on August 30th. If Michigan State can win this game then their season finale at Penn State will decide the Big Ten Championship. Book it. Which would be great for Michigan State fans since they haven’t been to the Rose Bowl since…1988. Wow. Kansas at Oklahoma (-20)- Oklahoma rebounds from their loss to Texas by bringing in Mark Mangino and company. Kansas has been quietly winning since their only loss to South Florida on September 12. Given that they’re twenty point underdogs this has impressed no one. I don't even know what to write about this game either. So here's a picture of Mark Magino. Enjoy.

Southern Cal (-43) at Washington State- This line opened with USC favored by 42 on the road and went up. Up! People looked at this line and thought, I can get Washington State at home and 42 points or USC on the road effectively starting off down 42 points. And everyone went with USC. So now you get 43 points in a road game. This has to be the most a team will be favored by on the road this season, right? What’s also ridiculous about this? USC is favored by 43, yet the over/under on this game is only 55.5. You might be asking yourself, how has Washington State’s defense done in the Pac-10 so far? They’ve given up 66, 63, 66 to Cal, Oregon, and Oregon State respectively. UCLA put up just 28. What about margin of defeat? They’ve lost by 63, 49, 25, and 53 in the Pac-10 this season. So, yeah, I think I’d take USC too. Miss. State at Tennessee (-7.5)- The over/under on this game is 37. That’s insane for a college game, one of the lowest of the year. Sadly, I think I’d still take the under. I’m taking my 9 month old son to this game on Saturday at Neyland. This will be his first college football game. He’s really excited. Or not at all. I’m already worried about the damage to his football fan psyche that is likely to ensue from watching a game this bad.


(Tennessee's season in one succinct image. Courtesy of blogger Loser With Socks) Michigan at Penn State (-25)- Penn State has only won once in their past ten against Michigan. Now they’re favored by 25. That spread offense is awesome. So revolutionary. Do you think there are Michigan fans right now who are wondering how in the world they kicked Lloyd Carr to the curb in exchange for this? I wish Rich Rod had signed on at Alabama back in 2006 instead of extorting West Virginia and ‘Bama ending up with Saban. I hate you Rich Rod. Meanwhile, what do Wisconsin fans have to be thinking right now as they stare into the beginning of a long, dark winter? They gave up a 19 point halftime lead to this Michigan team. That boggles the mind. I get the feeling that Wisconsin still hasn’t recovered from that half. In moments of clarity so does Joe Paterno. Of course the other half of the time Paterno is just nervous that Kerry Collins and Ki-Jana Carter are going to end up getting screwed this year.


Leaving off Vandy-Georgia's on me. It was included in my original write-up but not cut and pasted in the article. Yeah, I fucked up cut and pasting, I suck. Vandy at Georgia (-15)- This spread strikes me as entirely too high given the split games these two have played in the past two years. In fact, barring a fumble late in the fourth quarter Vandy might be 2-0 against the Dawgs the past two seasons. Now that Bobby Johnson has announced he's going with McKenzi Adams the question becomes, can Vandy stay close enough to wait for the inevitable Dawg brain freeze and take advantage of it? I don't think so, but I do think the Dores keep it closer than 15. Chris Nickson's only consolation prize is he'll have a lot more time to stare at the cleavage in the Georgia student section. And trust me, that's a lot of cleavage. Also, if you get there earlier enough you may or may not be able to see up the skirts of Georgia coeds from field level. Virginia Tech at Boston College (-3)- BC has to win this game to stay alive in the Atlantic Division race meanwhile Virginia Tech can open up a commanding lead in the Coastal Division. The teams split two games last year. Is there a more incongruous match-up of conference fans than Virginia Tech Hokie fans traveling to Boston for this game? I don’t think so. LSU (-2) at South Carolina – Remember after he lost to Vandy when I said Steve Spurrier was irrelevant? He lost the next week to Georgia but he’s won 4 in a row since then. Including two SEC road games. Now LSU is coming to Columbia and we get to see whether or not LSU is truly any good this season. People have forgotten that LSU had to sneak by Auburn at Auburn for their first conference win. Other than that LSU hadn’t played anyone prior to the collapse at Florida. So how will they respond? The world waits with bated breath. And by world I mean Cajuns and people from South Carolina who hate Clemson. Missouri at Texas (-7)- Yesterday I was at an art museum with my wife (I know, I know) and they had a display of classic photos of Babe Ruth. It’s no secret that Babe Ruth looks nothing like an athlete. But while I was looking at the Babe, I started to think that Missouri quarterback Chase Daniel is the Babe Ruth of this era. Chase Daniel is the only guy I can picture going out and hitting on girls at his college campus and girls not sleeping with him because they don’t really think that he’s really Chase Daniel. I bet he goes out with Warren Buffett just so the Oracle of Omaha can vouch for him and help him pull puss. Warren: "Oh, yes (chortle) this is the real Chase. Let me show you his cash flow potential as an NFL quarterback. (Pulls out cocktail napkin and draws dollar sign piercing a vagina)." Once this happens, he takes the gals back to his throne-bed and has sex while eating drumsticks. This is how chubby boys do it in Texas. Even when they move to Missouri.


(This picture is never going to get old.) Meanwhile Colt McCoy’s parents have real balls. Because Colt is his middle name. His first name is Daniel. Daniel McCoy and you want to be the starting quarterback at Texas? Not happening. How much has the boldness of naming their son Colt paid off? If he’s Daniel McCoy he’s probably majoring in Human and Organizational Development at Southwest Texas State. True story, Colt McKoy was born in New Mexico. This so troubled his dad that he brought a shoe-box full of Texas dirt and put it underneath the hospital bed to ensure that his son was son was “born over Texas soil.” Now any sane man would give up their state of birth and six years of life to be Colt McCoy out in Austin for a weekend. Hook 'em.

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