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College Football Roundup: Crazy Chick In Your Team's Hoodie Edition

This was the week, if there ever was a week, where you look down the BCS barrel and see all sorts of moral dilemmas coming your way. There may very well be three undefeated teams. Right now Penn State would be screwed in this equation. (Although I still think Alabama will lose to whoever wins the SEC East even if they get past LSU in two weeks). Even if you accept that Penn State has been the least impressive of the undefeated teams, you can't really stomach this happening. But three undefeated teams may be the easiest way to resolve the mess. How are we going to select a single one-loss team? Especially if it comes down to having to choose between the Big 12 champ, the SEC champ and USC. There's truly no way to justify this selection. And if another Penn State teams goes undefeated and isn't allowed to play for the national championship? Kerry Collins is going to cut a bitch. But that's on a global level, on an individual level, you know your team is screwed when a psycho chick who carves a B on her cheek in Pittsburgh, goes on national television in a hooded Tennessee sweatshirt. Only bad things could happen after this. Seriously though, if you were a cop wouldn't this be the best way to destroy your rival? I just know there's a Alabama-fan cop who ran out to the Pittsburgh Wal-Mart to buy this thing as soon as he heard that the crazy chick needed something to wear. Thanks, asshole. Your 'Bama Bangs won't stop bullets. On to 9 other observations from the week that was.1. Penn State eliminates Ohio State from the national title discussion for the first time in what feels like three decades. With a 13-6 road win Joe Paterno is poised to advance to the national title game provided Alabama and Texas don't both finish 13-0. Isn't it amazing that Paterno could add a national title to his resume? What odds could you have gotten on this five years ago? This is Joe Pa's return from Napoleonic exile. Iowa may yet return him to Elba. 2. Don't look now but after their 24-17 road win over Georgia Tech, UVa is in first place and controls their own fate in the Coastal Division of the ACC. Even UVa fans are shocked by Al Groh's four consecutive wins. This has to be the most remarkable turnaround since Saturday afternoon when your friend knocked back a handle of scotch and still correctly noted (prior to the penalty) that your team didn't have 7 men on the line of scrimmage. After beginning the season 1-3 with a 28 point loss to Duke, a 45 point home loss to USC, and a 35 point loss to UConn, the 'Hoos have bounced back to take control of the ACC. As if that weren't enough Virginia has the tiebreaks over both North Carolina and Georgia Tech in their division. Meaning they have a 1.5 game lead with 4 to go over these teams. 3. Georgia hangs more than 50 on LSU for the second straight week. Clearly the phone calls to Knowshon and A.J. Green didn't work. By the way was the touchdown dart that Stafford threw to Green in the second half as he was about to be dragged down in the pocket Stafford's best throw of the season? I'm thinking so. Meanwhile in the warm-up for the hugest Cocktail Party since everyone wanted to fuck Don Johnson, Florida hangs 63 on Kentucky. Included in Florida's win was back-to-back blocked punts. Kentucky followed this up by getting a field goal blocked shortly thereafter. At this point my friend Tardio's phone buzzes, he reads the text message and then says, "My sister wants our special team's coach sent to the bus and made to sit there by himself for the rest of the game." Also points for the email about JP/LF/Raycom's trivia question. The question was: who is the only Heisman Trophy winner to also coach a winner? The answer is Steve Spurrier via Danny Wuerffel. One of the announcers then said, "Of course, he also coached Tim Tebow." Seriously, they said this. 4. USC survives against Arizona. You have no idea what happened in this game and neither do I. The game kicked off at 10:15 eastern. (Note: if you're not good with time, this was while your friend was explaining to you why he wasn't having sex with a fat girl again) was tied at 10 with about ten minutes left (fat girl is sited at the bar), and then USC scored and hung on for the 17-10 victory (fat girl and friend are making out by the hotdog vendor. Your friend just wiped mustard off her mouth before making out with her.). It's been a foregone conclusion that USC would be the top-ranked one-loss team. I think in light of the most recent BCS standings, that's seeming less and less likely. USC can't do anything else to impress voters with their remaining schedule and Oklahoma and the winner of Florida/Georgia can do an awful lot to change their position. 5. Meanwhile the team that occupies the current top rung among one-loss teams in the BCS hung 58 on Kansas State in the first half. The two teams combined for only 10 points in the second half. Meaning both coaches just threw in the towel on this one. Wouldn't it be great if after a huge blowout in the first half, both teams announced they didn't want to play anymore? I was halfway expecting Rich Brooks of Kentucky to pull this. 6. Don't look now but Minnesota is now 7-1 (3-1 in the Big Ten). Which is great. What's even more impressive? If Minnesota beats Northwestern, Michigan, and Iowa at home and finds a way to beat Wisconsin on the road they could be headed to the Rose Bowl. Provided, of course, that Penn State wins out and rolls to the BCS Title Game. One year after being truly awful, the Gophers could be in the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1962. Yeah, wonders really do never cease. 7. Texas Tech trounces Kansas 63-21 and Tech's new walk-on kicker went 9-9 on extra points. If he beats Texas with a field goal the movie rights to this story are going to be optioned. 8. Rutgers trounces Pitt. You get the feeling this is what life under Dave Wannstedt is going to be like for Pitt fans: periods of relative strength followed by the inexplicable home losses to bad teams. It's not so much that Pitt lost as how they lost. Rutgers' top point total this year prior to this game? 38 against Morgan State. Maybe you're thinking to yourself, yeah, but they were improving on offense coming into this game. You'd be wrong. Rutgers scored 17, 10, and 12 in their last three Big East games. Then they hang 54 on Pitt. Even I feel bad for Pitt fans and my team is horrible this year. 9. Finally, for everyone who laid their money on UT after my guarantee, congrats. My team is truly awful. The highlight of the UT-Alabama game for me was getting to run through the T and watch from the sideline. The lowlight? Being kicked out of the locker room immediately before the pregame speech. The entire team is arrayed in front of Coach Fulmer and just before he beings to speak he asks me to leave the locker room. I have to make the walk of shame through the double doors and stand outside in the tunnel. Then my team gets spanked…again. Rendering the entire bar scene of Knoxville fertile territory for insanely happy men with 'Bama Bangs. Shoot me now.


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