Our weekly college football shame index.
Baylor 52, Kansas State 24: In 80 seasons without Bill Snyder as head coach, Kansas State has finished above .500 only 19 times, so it's fair to say that fans in Manhattan are probably not accustomed to high expectations. The same is true of Baylor, which had played a No. 1 team eight times in the 50 years prior to Saturday's game and lost every time. Let us be clear, however: losing to this Bears team isn't particularly shameful.
What is shameful: converting eight of 19 third downs against the worst team in the country in that statistical category. As is being the first FBS team since 2009 that Baylor has held under 2.5 yards per carry. And getting held under 300 yards of offense for the first time all season by a defense that gives up six yards a play.
The list of things that went horribly awry for the Wildcats doesn't end there. Lache Seastrunk and Glasco Martin became only the fourth and fifth players to run for 100 yards against Kansas State in the last two years. Collin Klein, who'd never before thrown multiple interceptions in a game, was picked off for the second time less than a minute into the third quarter. And in the middle of the fourth quarter, thousands of grasshoppers swarmed defensive coordinator Tom Hayes and carried him off, and he was never to be seen again. (That last one isn't true, but you wouldn't know it, because by this point nobody was watching this game.)
Clemson 62, NC State 48: A disappointing offensive output for Clemson, which fell a whopping 60 points short of tying the school record set in 1901 against Guilford. (The early 20th century was a horrifying time, when college football teams could conscript people with doofy names like "Guilford" and force them to play one-on-11.) The Tigers did, however, manage to break their record for single-game passing and came three yards away from breaking the record for total offensive output in a game, so this wasn't a total disaster.
Sorry, wasn't a total disaster for Clemson. It was for the Wolfpack, who let Tajh Boyd run for 100 yards for the first time in his career and let Clemson put up over 60 points for the first time in conference play since a 82-24 win over Wake Forest in 1981. This was also the third game this year in which NC State quarterback Mike Glennon threw for at least 400 yards. All those games have been losses.
In many ways, this was a microcosm of Tom O'Brien's career in Raleigh: He gave you hope for great things when NC State took a 24-13 lead early in the second quarter, then things went rapidly south, and by the end you were stuck with a team that will finish with, at best, seven wins and a Music City Bowl bid. Tom O'Brien is the Subway of coaches: a plausible imitation of the real thing, but consistently unimpressive and not something you should bring to a victory party.
Washington 38, Colorado 3: On one side of the field stood Keith Price, the Washington quarterback who has had his share of struggles this year after a promising 2011 campaign. On the other stood the Colorado defense, though to say it was standing is to suggest it wasn't lolling about on its back like a puppy on a sunlit patch of grass. When it was all over, Price had thrown for five scores, a career high, bringing the number of touchdowns allowed by the Buffs on the year to 68—seven more than Notre Dame, Alabama, and Rutgers combined.
The comedy that is Colorado football is getting too dark to laugh at. Only one Buffalo drive featured more than one completed pass, and the team now needs to beat Utah this week or Colorado will finish with the worst record in team history. The Buffs are chasing another rare gem: ranking last in the nation in points allowed and points scored per game. They're holding on to the former for now and are next to last in the latter, thanks to newcomer Massachusetts.
A good place to start improving: don't run quarterback sneaks on first down.
Only one thing is certain: Colorado is definitely not paying players. At this point, I'm not even sure they're feeding them.
Prior to 2011, Tennessee had won at least three SEC games a season every year since 1978. The Volunteers have yet to record their first of 2012, which is especially fun given that the team's never gone winless in conference play since the SEC was formed in 1933. Derek Dooley: Because Lawyers Make Things Worse.
Wake Forest punted 10 times against Notre Dame, its fifth game this year hitting double digits in the oh-you-take-it-this-sucks column. Freshman Alex Kinal now has 90 punts on the year, needing 12 more to break the NCAA record set in 1969. This is why you should root for the Deacons to get bowl eligible against Vanderbilt.
Hawaii lost to an Air Force team that did not find the need to throw a single pass, the third time an offense has elected to abandon throwing altogether since 2000. All three of those non-passing offenses won, incidentally. Just saying, SEC championship game participant Georgia.
Only two Iowa passes wound up in the hands of a wide receiver in a road loss to Michigan. It's fitting that Greg Davis has designed an offense that is entirely horizontal, because it belongs in the fucking morgue.
Washington and Washington State renew their rivalry in the Apple Cup, so named because Mike Leach may be so crazed at this point that he chooses a starting quarterback with a bow, an arrow, and two precariously placed Granny Smiths.
Virginia Tech needs to beat Virginia to become bowl eligible. Virginia needs to beat Virginia Tech because you can only get so far bragging about how many Vineyard Vines ties you own.
If Auburn beats Alabama, I will not suddenly share Gene Chizik's belief in a Judeo-Christian God. I will, however, pledge everlasting faith to Keezheekoni, the Cherokee spirit of a wolf who was kicked out of a bar in Mobile and now roams the Earth spreading havoc and misery.
Celebrity Hot Tub is a college football fan who lost the ability to truly love thanks to three years of Florida head coach Ron Zook. He writes for Every Day Should Be Saturday. Follow him on Twitter @celebrityhottub.