Photo: Charlie Neibergall (AP Photo)

NFL free agency begins next week and the biggest name available will be quarterback Kirk Cousins, who is sure to command a blessed shitload of money from one of five horny suitors (Denver, Minnesota, Cleveland, Arizona, the Jets). HOWEVER, there’s a very good possibility that Cousins won’t even be the best quarterback available on the open market. That’s because Drew Brees’s contract voids next week, which would free him up to offer his services to the highest bidder.

Now, the Saints have already talked a big game about bringing Brees back, and it would stand to reason that Brees would want to end his career in New Orleans, where he is universally loved and where he established his legacy. Also, the Saints had one of the best drafts in history last spring, and ought to be a title contender for the next couple of years.

To which I say: FUCK ALL THAT SHIT. COME TO MINNESOTA, DREW BREES!

My team is about to turn loose their three starter-quality quarterbacks, presumably because they’re aiming to sign Cousins. I do not know if this is a good idea. I could eat tape like a dipshit for weeks on end and still not have a solid opinion as to whether or not it makes sense to jettison Case Keenum, Teddy Bridgewater, and Sammy Bradford so that the Vikings can pay Cousins $30+ million. Kirk Cousins is good for 4,000 yards and two horrible losses to the New York Giants per season.

But here’s what I do know: Drew Brees is better than Kirk Cousins. Significantly better. Kirk Cousins is laminated doodoo compared to Drew Brees. Drew Brees is a fucking god. If the Vikings signed Kirk Cousins, I would be cautiously encouraged but also terribly apprehensive. There is no such apprehension with Brees. He’s a little fucking stallion… AND I WANT HIM. I want him to join the parade of aging QBs who have dropped into Minnesota for one last, failed title run. It’s what the Vikings do best.

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Of course, in order to get Brees to join the Vikings, I have to convince him that it’s better than his current situation, so let me do that right now:

Drew,

New Orleans is shit. Why spend your twilight years loitering in that haven of filth and wickedness? MINNESOTA HAS IT ALL, DREW. I listed all the perks out for you!

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  • Money!
  • A title contender! I mean, I know the Saints are a contender, too. But the Vikings are even contender-ier!
  • A terrific defense that has no chance of staying as healthy as it was last year!
  • A better domed stadium than the shithole you play in!
  • Grittier wideouts than Michael Thomas!
  • A coach who’s usually sober!
  • A fireplace in the locker room! NO SHIT! There is a goddamn fireplace in the locker room! SO HOMEY!
  • People who are as blandly pleasant as you are!
  • Lakes that do not double as an active flooding threat to the entire metropolis!
  • Free tickets to Wolves games where you can watch Derrick Rose quit on both his team and himself IN PERSON!
  • No plastic beads for you and your children to trip on!
  • Quiet, classy funerals! ACT LIKE YOU’VE DIED BEFORE, NEW ORLEANS!
  • SNOWHOGS!
  • Fans that actually WEAR Wranglers!
  • An entirely new market of suckers to sell your horrible pyramid scheme to!
  • Kyle Rudolph, who’s really impressive for, like, three games a year!
  • Dalvin Cook, who’s not as healthy as Alvin Kamara but is still pretty good!
  • Reasonable fans like me who totally won’t go off the deep end and commit mass seppuku when you bring us so, so tantalizingly close to the promised land, only to lose a heartbreaking NFC title game because the right guard stepped on your foot during the final play!

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Can New Orleans offer you any of that? Drew, it cannot. All New Orleans can offer you are food snobs, serious white guy writers gawking at the Ninth Ward, and the lingering scent of stale vomit. Aren’t you sick of these crawdad-sucking trombone humpers shouting WHO DAT any time they come within 100 yards of you? Do they not just utterly disgust you with their ugly hats and clammy feet? From one awesome Drew to another: you’re wasting your life there, kiddo. Those people may love you, but they won’t love you the way I will. Come to Minnesota and I’ll wash your goddamn car! I will lay out a path of rose petals from your door and greet you every morning with freshly made brioche French toast and only the finest, hand-squeezed exotic fruit juices. You can even use Zygi’s plane! I didn’t ask Zygi about this but FUCK HIM. That plane is yours now. Take it!

Come to Minnesota, Drew Brees. Come take Zygi’s money and fulfill your destiny as the Vikings umpteenth pathetic attempt at a Last Best Hope. You know it’s the right thing to do. Save yourself from New Orleans and save me from three, expensive agonizing years of Kirk Cousins. I WILL SHIT MY PANTS IN JOY IF YOU COME HERE.