Jesus Quintana:

I still find it smugly enjoyable to remotely lock a car in a parking lot, even with a shitty car. It's obviously no longer the domain of pastel madras-clad rich assholes pulling golf clubs out of their trunks and flipping their hand up in the air as they secure their asshole BMW. Everyone with a crappy Toyota Corolla can do it these days. But still, it FEELS like you're that rich asshole, doesn't it? It makes the loud noise and the lights blink and everyone around you knows that your car is now impenetrable with one click of that magic rich person's key. It's so satisfying, until I realize that anyone looking is probably wondering why I'm bothering to lock my shitty car when just about every other car in the lot is more grand theft-worthy.


The flipside of that would be my car, which is 15 years old and has a locking remote that only works occasionally. So many times, I'll walk away from my car and try to lock it, only to fail. Then I have to stop, turn around, point the remote at the car, and then walk closer and closer to the car until it finally locks. And the closer I get to the car, the more I feel like a complete idiot. Everyone can see me trying to lock my car and failing. I bet that Acura driver down the lot is having a mighty chuckle. WELL FUCK YOU, BUDDY. I DO THE BEST WITH WHAT I HAVE.

By the way, the best feeling is when you remotely lock the car with your keys hidden in your pocket. It's 57 percent more futurey that way. WHO MADE THAT CAR BEEP? WAS IT YOU? You'll never tell a soul!



Would you sign a 10 year, $10 million contract to be the Commissioner of the WNBA? Part of the job is to attend 4 games per week. In the offseason, you would have to constantly do speaking engagements at events celebrating female athletes. Also, you have to make out with Doris Burke twice a month.


Fuck and yes, I would. Who would turn down $10 million and 10 years of guaranteed employment? An asshole. That's who. Plus you could have all the luxury suite food and drink you like. And the season is relatively short, so you'd barely have to lift a finger. Sign my ass up. If you ever meet someone who does NOT have $10 million and turns down that gig, you shove a car key up their ass. I mentioned this here, but if I were a women's basketball player, I'd be pretty goddamn livid that people spent so much time telling me how useless my sport is. If I ran the WNBA, the first thing I'd do it change the league's slogan to GO FUCK YOURSELF. Then I'd run ads on nothing but SpikeTV, and buy huge clusters of banner ads at the new Simmons website. And every TV ad would be scored to groups of drunken women squealing out the lyrics to "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Just to piss people off.


My father has been complaining of shoulder pain on and off for the last 5 or 6 years. He just recently decided to ask the doctor about it. Turns out he has a torn rotator cuff in both shoulders. If he does need to have surgery, should he get both shoulders repaired in the same session or should he space two separate surgeries out so he at least has one good arm/hand to work with?

If he gets both shoulders repaired at the same time he won't be able to feed himself or do much of anything that requires hands for a few days. If he has two separate sessions, he will have to recover from the anesthesia, narcotics, and general pain of surgery twice and have to suffer through shoulder pain in the non-repaired shoulder that much longer (he will be using that shoulder even more which would result in more pain). Other factors to take into consideration include: missing work (he is in his mid 40s and his job requires a bit of physical labor), he should be able to at least use his hands and forearms after a couple of days of recovery, and the dangers of not having arms/hands to catch himself in case of a fall or other accident.

Also, my mother has made it clear to my father that she will not be the one wiping his ass if he gets both shoulders done at once.


Well, the honorary doctorate I received from Colby wasn't actually a doctorate degree and was, in fact, just a daydream I had when I was drunk and staring at my bedroom lamp for too long. So I have no medical background to give you a proper answer to this question. That said: Separate surgeries. Wouldn't you avoid going a few days without the use of both hands if you could? I would, regardless of the circumstances. Plus, two surgeries means twice the morphine, twice the prescription painkillers, and twice the people being really nice to you because you just had surgery. That's one of the great things about having surgery. Loved ones bend over backwards to help you. They drive you around. They pick up the meds from the store for you. They help you put on your shoes. Everyone instantly becomes your voluntary servant. It's a delight. I'm gonna go try and pick up a cinder block now just so I can experience it again. I YEARN TO BE PAMPERED.


What do you think of the Confession App? Would you use it? Would using it actually absolve me of my sins?


Well, I have no use for it, since I'm not Catholic and don't actually believe any of that stuff. But when I was a kid, I always wanted to go to confessional. I saw it in movies all the time, and I badly wanted to use that booth. I dreamed of using it not to confess things, but to ask the priest why the chick I loved in eighth grade didn't love me back, and how I could win her heart. Now, this is a totally useless thing to ask a priest because they're all gay pederasts, but I didn't know that at the time. I just thought the confessional scenes in movies were cool, especially whenever someone ended up murdered in the booth. Half of all confessional booth scenes in movies end in murder.

I remember my folks dragging me to church for Christmas one year and I was like, "Hey, where's the confessional?" And my mom was like, "They only have those in Catholic churches." And I thought that was fucking weak. I thought every church should have had one, so that you always had ready access to free therapy. I still think other religions should steal the idea. The confession is one of the few high points in the Catholic religion's brochure. If you steal it, they barely have any competitive edge. They'd be crushed.


And other religions should have popes as well. Evangelicals should erect their own Vatican in Illinois, find some crazy asshole to wear an expensive robe and pointy hat, give him a fancy new name, and make him their pontiff. What would the Catholic pope be able to do about it? NOTHING. He'd have to just sit there and take it in the ass. TAKE IT IN THE POPE CHUTE, BENEDICT.


What could be greater than combining one of the most delicious candies with a, er, 'vintage' automobile? The 'King Size' is what really makes it.

Only in the south.


NASCAR is really letting me down with this "Car of Tomorrow" bullshit.


Why does it seem every job application has a section where you have to list your "major" under the High School Education section? Filling out that part of an application is fucking agonizing. What a waste of energy it is to write "N/A" or "general" or whatever other fucking bland word I can think of so these assholes will understand I didn't have a major in high school. Where are these elitist prick high schools where students choose majors?


It's a fair question, because I went to a dipshit prep school and I don't recall ever having a high school major. I don't think anyone would begrudge you for leaving it blank.

The other thing I hate on job applications is where they ask you to fill out your employment history and then leave pages upon pages of space for you to fill it out, like it's a fucking bluebook exam. First of all, if I didn't have a long work history, I'd be pissed that the application assumed I held sixty previous jobs. Secondly, if I did have a lengthy resume, I sure as hell don't want to sit there for nine years recounting every job I ever had. Blow me. And do you really expect me to remember the address of the Little Caesar's I worked at back in 1995? Or my boss's phone number? Here's a resume. I'm not filling out SHIT.


/dream job candidate material


When in the shower, do you wash your legs with soap? Isn't it enough to wash your torso/crotch and let the soap residue drip down over your legs?

A) Your legs are hidden by pants
B) Your legs don't usually sweat or smell
C) It's a waste of time/soap
D) Every time I try to wash my feet in the shower, I almost slip and horribly fall

Should I be washing better or teach my kids to do not as I do?

No, I'm as bad as you are. The only time I really wash my shins is if I know they have visible dirt on them, like after a game of touch football or something. I usually wash the tops of my legs, but that's because they're easy to reach and because it's part of the whole "vigorously washing your balls to the point of mild arousal" routine. I'm sure I should be more vigilant about washing my legs. But come on. They're all the way down there. I'd have to bend and stuff. That seems strenuous. Couldn't a small Greek child be flown in to scrub the area for me?


As for my feet, they're going to get nice and clean from the massive amount of urine I'm about to deposit on the shower floor. That urine is sterile. IT'S NATURE'S DISINFECTANT! I totally read that somewhere.


If I were the guy with the "Glass Handle With Care" tape, I would make sure it always went on the boxes like this.


I concur.


I live in a neighborhood with tons of huge trees and my yard alone has 6 of them. This caused me to be woken up just about every morning by freaking squirrels running up and down my roof. After a few months telling my wife I was going to set out traps, poison them, or just find some way to make them dead I finally went out and purchased a box of subsonic .22 ammo. The combination of subsonic ammo, using an old bolt action .22, and shooting from inside my house makes the sound of the gunfire just barely above that of a clap. My original goal was to just shoot a few and hopefully the noise went away, but after 3 months I have literally killed 49 squirrels and they still wake me up about once a week. Am I justified in continuing with my quest to silence the squirrels?


What is your roof made of? Discarded steel drums? Seems like some sort of insulation under the roof would probably do more to solve the problem than killing all those squirrels. Not that I'm against squirrel death. I just watched the Bourdain Ozarks episode and I'll be damned if that squirrel pot pie didn't look mildly inviting. Or you could cut down the trees that give the squirrels such easy access to the roof. Dan Snyder can probably give you then name of a good tree service. Remind me to buy subsonic .22 ammo, whatever that is. It sounds like a blast. I'm gonna start drinking and shooting at crap from my bedroom window.

Two emails of the week this week. The first is from Whoopsie…


My 4 year old went to bed the other night at his normal time and fell asleep. About an hour later, he woke up crying inconsolably. I had no idea what was wrong with him and he was crying so hard he wouldn't answer me. So now I'm trying to figure out what the problem is, only right after he went to bed I smoked some pot. When he fell asleep I figured I had the green light to relax a little. Only now he's woken up crying and my mind is racing and I'm high as a kite. I was in panic mode times 10.

I was convinced my kid wasn't going to survive the night. Fucking BRUTAL.

Indeed. And now we go from pot to mushrooms…


I took mushrooms last night and decided to write mid-trip—here's what I wrote, verbatim as found on my desktop this morning:

So im ‘a co in' ‘a down ‘a from ‘a musha' ‘roooooom



God theyre gonn

Think u crazy when in reality u typining wih her bfeetn from then= grave ooooohhhh mym god meeeeee toooo z no


Tried face oj keeeee


Gonna ubmut ridiculous to adult swin

Just another reason b ffrom


Typin wror

So much goin on

I hwrrrrrrrr more than life ts;f\\

I wou;d doe fpor her



Doublr kidney transplanyt



Mmmm… double kidney transplant.