Cubs Fans Drink Early, Die Nearby

The gimlet eyed besuboru fans at Home Run Derby spotted a Cubs fan handing his kid what looks like a beer during yesterday afternoon's game against the Giants at Wrigley. Corey Hart's daughter is jealous that he gets it in a cup. Maybe the dad wants him to get alcohol poisoning to ensure placement in the Wrigley Field cemetery being created in Chicago.

Ya 'eard me!

Mascari, 60, is envisioning something special. There will be a stained-glass scoreboard. And at each of the 280 niches in the wall — "eternal skyboxes, that's what we call them," he says — there will be an urn emblazoned with the Cubs logo.

Near each urn will be a bronze baseball card with a photograph of the deceased fan who, Mascari said, depending on the wishes of the family can be dressed up in a Cubs hat, Cubs jersey or full Cubs uniform. It could also include the dead fan's 'statistics' such as date of birth, date of death, and maybe their favorite Cubs game and favorite Cub.

There's even talk of piping in Cubs games on speakers so nobody, living or dead, will miss an inning. Not only that, but if this idea appeals to more than 280 Cubs fans, the cemetery has set aside enough land to add a right-field wall and a left-field wall.

With a price tag for interment looking to be at around $5,000, it will ensure a nice similar mixture of the well-heeled and the douchey. Just like actual Wrigley! But what of the flashing slutty girls? They're gonna need some statues.