Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Illustration for article titled Cultural Oddsmaker: Which Fantasy Expert Will Score First?

A.J. Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs ever Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

One of the biggest beneficiaries of the NFL season each year are the fantasy football writers. These nebulus nobs who spend their Spring/Summers pouring over statistics and entering mock drafts can finally unleash the hard-earned knowledge that prevented them from ever touching a real live breast for most of their lives.

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But thanks to the popularity of Fantasy Football, more and more living, breathing females are finally participating. Hence, autumn has become the official wedding season for poon-poaching roto columnists. But unlike other experts, who parlay their geekdom into million dollar ideas, FFL guys have payoffs in plastic trophies, pride and hundred dollar pots at the end of December. But that doesn't mean they don't wait in earnest for the night when some tomboy chick gets all riled up about their intimate knowledge of Wali Lundy's YPC average.

Of course, this rarely happens, and these odds haven't been adjusted to overcompensate.

I'm putting on my vintage game jersey, strapping on my prosthetic double chin and gauging the odds on a handful of Fantasy Football experts chances of actually getting some well-deserved rock star boofty this year.

Wince with me, after the jump.

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Illustration for article titled Cultural Oddsmaker: Which Fantasy Expert Will Score First?
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Brandon Funston: 40/1

Yahoo's Big Board Super Stud's visibility works for him in so many ways. His doughboy body and endless supply of paunch-hiding buttondowns make him one of the most likely to find a woman under 180 pounds to tolerate him naked. Funston's the prototypical shlubby guy who gets "King of Queens/According to Jim"-esque ass just because of the confidence/everyman factor. Congrats, Funston. You can bang Courtney Thorne Smith.

Illustration for article titled Cultural Oddsmaker: Which Fantasy Expert Will Score First?
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Ladd Biro, Sporting News: 55/1

Girls like intimidating guys. And Biro most likely shot out of his mother's womb with a full goatee and prison tats. He's got that whole Brion James snarl-thing going on, and if he had an accent more appealing than his current Pittsburgh lilt, he'd be the favorite. However, until girls can shake that whole this-man-has-leather-gloves-in-his-back-pocket-to-choke-me vibe, he may be stuck plowing dumpy chicks who wear jean jackets covered in Looney Tunes patches in the back of his '93 Escort.

Illustration for article titled Cultural Oddsmaker: Which Fantasy Expert Will Score First?
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Tristan Cockroft: 75/1

Cockroft has a distinct advantage because he gets all of Eric Karabell's throwaways. Plus, just look at that name? Would anybody be suprised if he had a dog named Tristan and grew up on Cockroft lane? Sure, his cherubic little face may turn females off, but there's something very natural about a girl gabbing with her friends the next day after hooking up with him: "I banged Cockroft last night." Just rolls off the tongue, does it not?

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Mike Harmon, Fox Sports: 125/1

Two things you think of when you look at Mike Harmon:

1. Donuts
2. Donuts

Althought he's pudged out and has that small penis smile thing happening, let's not forget that Harmon was once a Yahoo wildman who cleaned up and shifted over to Fox Sports. The new digs will probably hurt him. (Chicks don't read Fox Sports; this a well-researched fact. All right, no, it's not.) Harmon can still woo the ladies with his fascinating conversations about Ernest Wilford and his big teddy bear charm. What lady wouldn't want to wake up in the flaccid embrace with a man that has a back the size of a piano?

Illustration for article titled Cultural Oddsmaker: Which Fantasy Expert Will Score First?
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Scott Engel: 42,000/1

Aggggggggggggggggggggggggggh! Every year ESPN tries its best to make his headshot look less appalling, but each year it just gets worse. Pretty soon Engel's head will be relegated to single-digit pixel size, just so they don't lose anymore subscribers. He's become the Marla Hooch of fantasy dorks. "Scott Engel...what a hitter!"

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