AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.
Alycia Lane's been a godsend to Philadelphia newspapers starving for gossip. In the pantheon of 215 celebrity, sadly, athletes and newscasters are almost on equal footing. That's how it is here in sixth-borough land, so when Lane came here a few years ago from Miami — a monster free agent signing of the tits and glitz variety — there was considerable buzz around her. She had a semi-high profile relationship which ended in a quick divorce, and a sweeps week visit to Dr. Phil to hyperventilate about it. So when a tinderbox concerning Ms. Lane, semi-famous sportscaster Rich Eisen, her sending him random bikini pictures, and the semi-famous sportscaster's angry wife intercepting them in the email — and then relaying the whole mess to Page Six — her legend grows stronger. And, of course, there's a Bin Laden-like bounty out for those bikini photos. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if What Would Tyler Durden Do becomes deputized by the National Press Corps to track them down.
But that's enough talk about Ms. Lane. Strangely enough, Rich Eisen is just background noise in this story, behind the phantom vacation photos and his pissed off wife, Suzy "You have a whore living in 2R!" Shuster. Today is Eisen's lucky day, as this column will, in effect, come to his defense for all of those still jaw-dropped by the notion that, yes, Rich Fucking Eisen is married and yet still has an incredibly attractive anchorwoman desperate to show off her Miami-shined body to him. Although he's no longer a member of the WWL, Deadspinners, more so than most other sports media ogglers, are well aware the power and swordsmanship that fraternity yields. And an incident like this only makes Eisen stock uptick a little more as this type of salacious publicity and notoriety annoints him with a gilded cock. Women now have to look at Rich Eisen differently than they did before; he's transformed from khaki-clad white guy jock sniffer to a mysterious, possibly reckless, lothario. I'll bet the day after all of this went down, he walked through the NFL Network offices and encountered a reception much like Eddie Murphy did in Boomerang the day after he banged Robin Givens.
So this week, I'm digging out my Beg, Borrow, and Deall tapes, running the 40-yard dash in a dorky three-pieced suit and placing odds on the next newscaster to send Rich Eisen inappropriate photos.
Let's find the next batch of Janice Rossis, after this jump.
Sharon Reed: 1/4
This Cleveland anchor woman has no qualms about taking off her clothes on television, as she famously did in 2003, while participating in a Spencer Tunick shoot in downtown Cleveland. She claims it was a "story about art", but that kind of dud doesn't fly during sweeps week. But what better way to make an art story 467 percent more compelling than by stripping down while the cameras rolling. Plus, Reed was also a former Philadelphia newswoman who left the station after a publicized catty-tat with another news woman Alicia Taylor (reportedly over then Sixer Aaron McKie) that resulted in an email threat that stated "You ever had a street fight, bitch?" Eisen should probably warn his wife about sending any exchanges between himself and Sharon Reed to Page Six or else she may wind up dead.
Melissa Theuriau: 2/1
In the eyes of many, this French news journalist is the most beautiful woman on the planet. Yet most people over here only know her as the "hot French news chick" — if they know her at all. Emboldened by Lane's newfound national status, Theauriau could see Monsieur Eesen as the perfect shlub to use to catapult her into the hearts of American men everywhere. And, unlike Lane, Theauriau has bikini photos readily available for NSFW consumption.
Renee Chenault-Fattah: 5/1
She's also a local news anchorwoman in Philadelphia — and married to Congressman Chakah Fattah who's currently losing ground on a Mayoral bid. What better way to keep him in the public consciousness than to ship off a few bikini photos to give her husband a talking point that everybody's willing to listen to? What else is there? Guns? Murder? Budget deficits? Bah. Let's talk about your wife's workout routine, Congressman. Think of all the face time and money saved in campaign advertising he could save that way and think how beneficial a thumbs up from Rich Eisen could be at this point in the race.
Katie Couric: 3/1
Those ratings aren't going to spike themselves. And with all of the chatter about Couric's job potentially being on the block, this is the perfect opportunity for her to show off if she's used any of her gazillions to take a few rings off the tree trunk. It's time to press, Katie, and if that whole May-September thing isn't giving the positive image results you hoped for, maybe it's time to polish up the saggies and send along some photos to Eisen. The only problem is that Suzy Shuster most likely idolizes Katie Couric and won't be as quick to go to the press with her pics. So, Katie better be in a thong, sucking on a zucchini and riding a mechanical bull named "Big Rich" in her photos in order to make her jealous enough.