Dan Bailey is a slide whistle and a sad trombone

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Dan Bailey played football poorly today.
Dan Bailey played football poorly today.
Photo: Getty Images

You can set your watch to Minnesota sports. The Twins will never win a playoff game, the Timberwolves will see anyone with a name you can remember leave to accomplish anything, and no one will ever remember the Wild even exist, as everyone is more concerned with the Gophers anyway. And the Vikings will watch their kicker become a Dali painting.

Dan Bailey certainly put forth a surrealist effort today:


That’s 10 points that Bailey left on the field, and seven misses in his last two games. He also hit the straight of fuck-ups, missing from 30-39 years, 40-49, and over 50, as well as the extra point he couldn’t keep within the lines. Those 10 points could have made for a very different game for the Vikings against a Buccaneers team that was definitely pulling the, “Well, if you insist” act in a 26-14 win. The loss puts the Vikings deeper in the mulch for the last playoff spot in the NFC, a grouping of teams that would most certainly drown in the rain. They’re a game behind Arizona and tied with Chicago, whom they play next week, in what should be an excellent exhibition of performative ennui. Will Bailey have a job by the time next Sunday rolls around? Does it matter? You can be sure whoever the next Vikings kicker is will knee himself in the face on the opening kickoff and render himself unconscious. It’s the Minnesota way.