Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Danica Patrick No Longer A Pretty Girl Who Can't Win Races

It feels like it took longer than Phil Mickelson's first major, but the petite open-wheeled racer finally reached the checkered flag before a bunch of chauvinistic war-starting toilet-seat-leaving-up booze-crazed horndogs in Japan this weekend, becoming the first female to win a major auto racing event.

And on her 50th start, no less. That, like, means something, since it's divisible by 10, 5, 25, and 17.38, although that last number doesn't go in evenly. If you know what I mean.


So, hey, congratulations to her, and also to the IRL, for prompting me to write a post about one of your races not rhyming with "Blindianapolis 500." And even a normal, boring Indy 500 post would require some kind of creative hook, This Is Spinal Tap reference, or fiery crash. I mean, one can only repeat "Hey, what's Vin Diesel doing in victory lane?" so many times before people in line at Hot Topic start looking at you funny.

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