Dead Letters: "I Have A Pic Of [ESPN Person] Performing Oral Sex"

Subject: [ESPN on-air talent]

From: [some guy]To: The Staff

Hey I believe to have in my possession, a pic of [ESPN on-air talent] performing oral sex on a [person whose race is given for some reason] in the back of a car, let me know if interested and what kind of price range it entails.

Thanks

From: Tim MarchmanTo: [some guy]

Who cares? I have $12.37 in my pocket; I might send it to you if you promise to delete it.

Best,

TM

From: Tommy CraggsTo: Tim Marchman, [some guy]

Hold on there, Tim. What kind of car? Jalopnik might be into it.

From: [some guy]To: Tim Marchman

Ok well about I just come and beat the fuck out of you and take what I want then.

Sincerely,The last nigga youll see

[Note: Cursory googling suggests correspondent is white.]

Subject: TIP: ban every person that comments ‘+1'

From: oblah 300To: The Staff

The comment section of Deadspin has completed its transformation into an attention-seeking, hive minded pool of sub-par, below average people. Devoid of inspiration or motivation in the grand scheme of life, they anxiously await new articles to raid, adopting an anonymous-yet-customizable alias using Burner with names less inspired than your average crowd at Marlins Park.

It’s bad enough that any semblance of conversation has been eroded in favor of quick one-liner puns in response to the article; I’m not even going to touch the *fantasy plays* that some commenters provide, giving us a glimpse into the mind of a person whose though process consists of wholly improbable situations which add nothing of value.

Washed up 8th grade class clowns aside, there’s an even worse breed of Deadspin readers who, lacking the confidence derived from an overprotective mom laughing at her son’s joke all his life, just want to fit in. They just want the alpha-scum to know that someone with even less relevance finds the pun humourous, even if the original comment is a rehash of something the reader saw less than twenty minutes ago on Comedy Central.

So, in droves, they come out of the wood work, emphatically showing the support in the form of a ‘+1'. Not only by voting, but by commenting that they just voted

You’d think it would stop at the first ‘+1'; maybe the readers would upvote both the original comment and the first ‘+1' reply. This, it seems, would be vastly overrating the collective intelligence of the group. Instead, the ‘+1's continue, filling the comment sections with the least productive type of comment possible. Like the larva of flies growing from a dead carcass in the sun, seals of approval line the response boxes.

I understand that the plethora of bad jokes is important, if not for the readers, but for the NSA in the broader sense, for the files they keep of “people who are fucking stupid but think they have the potential to be somewhat less stupid, yet still fucking stupid” But could you at least make room for the unintelligent conversation to grow, instead of cultivating a pep rally in which one person talks and everyone else screams “FUCK YEA!!!”

Regards,Keith

P.S. Bring Back Dickey

Subject: wtf

From: pouraguinnessTo: The Staff

I don’t have a twatter, fuckbook, gaymail, I read deadspin, jalopnick, and gizmodo daily.

Tried making a burner account, but Prolly cause drunk and stupid, but how can I make a comment with my desired screenname?

I must comment!

Being gawker media, no my name does not want to be anything lame like the authors.

Just pouraguinness. So how do I do this?

Subject: Brian Hickey

From: Matt HaysTo: The Staff

I don’t get it: you’re life story involves a negligent violent accident, yet your only posts on deadspin are those of the same. Do you see any hypocrisy in that?

Sent from my iPhone

From: Matt HaysTo: The Staff

*Your

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: AL East Reporters

From: Joseph DevannaTo: The Staff

so the worst al east reporters are the ones who think Alex Rodriquez is a bull shit artist, admire the way Derek Jeter goes about his business and don’t adhere 100% to sabermetrics ? So essentially they’re like every deadspin writer, except the exact opposite. Now I get it

Joe

Subject: What the fuck Happened?

From: Balki JacksonTo: The Staff

It wasn’t that long ago you had a decent site, now I don’t know what the fuck you guys are doing. The weekends have become Sean Newell’s personal blog with stupid fucking pictures of sea turtles and other retarded crap. Don’t get me started on his fat guy live journal entries or the stupid live blogging of decades old Coach shows. And those sideburns? That picture is driving away readers. Then you have Greg Howard writing soccer stories like he discovered a new sport. Who fucking cares? And since I brought it up, what’s up with Burnenko’s picutre? The foodspins are fine, but his goddamn picture looks like the last thing a runaway teenage hooker sees before she gets sliced the fuck up.

Mike

Subject: You guys really stink

From: Gabe MaciolekTo: The Staff

It really is a shame how far your site has fallen since you broke the teo story. You’re no longer bookmarked on my phone, no longer followed on my twitter, no longer talked about in group texts. Your comments are also at an all time low. This is the consensus between me and all my bros. viva la stool!Sent from my iPhone

Subject: weak sauce

From: Noah JacobsTo: The Staff

Jason dufner briefly patting his wife’s posterior during a nationally televised moment has no legs as a moment. It’s as about as white bread-innocuous a moment you will find on TV; there’s no there, there.

It’s a middle school level post—he touched her butt—omg!!!—when you are routinely pumping out thought provoking shit via Barry or hell even Leys trite video posts are at least funny.

This—is a whole new level of dumb.

it’s almost WWL , happy birthday tebow dumb.

It’s not funny, it’s not provocative, it’s not even funny because it’s white bread Jason dufner who’s not provocative.

It’s just killing brain cells—I thought that was tmz’s job.

Your job was supposed to be to write.

I miss hickey

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Great article. Please be mindful of using Lord’s name in vain. Off-putting, gratuitous, and wholly unnecessary. Enjoy your writing.jb

From: JB and ChristyTo: Albert Burneko

[blank]

Subject: The fuck is wrong with you?

http://deadspin.com/1140539489

From: John BrickerTo: Tommy Craggs

Pilfer a comment. Turn it into a picture. Delete the original comment. Thank god someone starred it, so I was able to retrieve it. Grow the fuck up.