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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Dead Letters: Who Your Team Fucks

Dead LettersWelcome to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite reader mail. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors and writers are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.


Thought you might enjoy the WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS 2014 supercut of who to fuck. Asterisk is Drew, all others are the fans.

Fuck Jake Locker’s bipolar ankles. (TEN)

Fuck them. All. The fans. The owners. Management. But not Andre. Free Andre! (HOU)

Fuck Jim Irsay and his affluenza. Fuck him so hard. * (IND)

And SUPER FUCK Trent Richardson with a dildo wrapped in barbed wire. (IND)

fuck Atlanta eternally for the 1998 NFC title game. * (ATL)

Fuck Bobby Petrino wherever he may lay. (ATL)

Fuck Marty Hurney. Fuck him in the ear. (CAR)

Fuck Gregg Williams. (NO)

Also, fuck Harrah’s. (NO)

Fuck Norv Turner and AJ Smith forever. (SD)

Fuck AJ Smith and Norv Turner.

Fuck AJ Smith and Norv Turner.

And last but certainly not least, fuck AJ Smith and Norv Turner so hard. (SD)

Fuck Tom Brady. (SD)

To top it all off, Philip Rivers is a gay cowboy who supported Rick Santorum, so fuck him. (SD)

Also, fuck Marlon McCree with a rusty pole. And Eli Manning and AJ Smith, too. (SD)

Fuck those former Raider fans. (SD)

Fuck you Andy. (KC)

Oh...fuck Andrew Luck, fuck Fivehead Manning, and triple fuck the city of Indianapolis. (KC)

Fuck Herm Edwards and Carl Peterson forever. (KC)


Fuck Scott Pioli. (KC)

Fuck Khalif Barnes. (OAK)

Fuck this team, fuck the fans, fuck management, and double fuck our clown serial killer owner. (OAK)

Fuck every single Boston fan who tries to fucking call that game the “Snow Game”. (OAK)

Fuck you, Dad. (OAK)

Fuck you, Randy Moss. (OAK)

Fuck John Fox and his “Not Too Shabby” attitude. (DEN)

Fuck Champ Bailey & that defense with a boat oar. (DEN)

Fuck Rahim Moore. (DEN)

Fuck Richard Sherman. (DEN)

Also, fuck Rahim Moore with a rusty screwdriver. Forever. (DEN)

Also: fuck Rahim Moore. (DEN)

Also, superfuck Josh McDaniels. (DEN)

Go fucking fuck yourself Josh McDaniels. (DEN)

Fuck Josh McDaniels. (DEN)

Motherfuck Josh McDaniels. Boy Wonder can shit a pineapple in reverse. (DEN)


Fuck Steve Spagnuolo. (STL)

Fuck Jay Zygmunt. Fuck Scott Linehan.Fuck Billy Devaney.Fuck Steve Spagnoulo with his 4 pillars.Fuck Scott Linehan. Fuck Mardy Gilyard. Fuck Jason Smith. Fuck Tye Hill. Fuck Alex Barron. Fuck Adam Carriker. (STL)

But most of all, Fuck Steve Spagnuolo. Three years they stuck with that moron. (STL)

Fuck Aaron Francisco for fucking blowing that coverage. (ARI)

FUCK Santonio Holmes. (ARI)

Fuck Jim Harbaugh, and fuck his pants. * (SF)

Fuck Greg Roman with a pogo stick. (SF)

Fuck the ‘Stick (but it did have good garlic fries) (SF)

Fuck Richard Sherman, but really fuck the Niners for making him a thing. (SF)

Fuck Richard Sherman. (SF)

Fuck Seattle fans. * (SEA)

And fuck your crowd-noise records. * (SEA)

Fuck Howard Schultz for an eternity. (SEA)

And fuck Jerome Bettis and Bill Leavy. Fuck the 12th man. Also, David Stern. (SEA)

the fat bastard you always see on TV who holds up the SEA - FENCE sign every game. SEA - FENCE? Literally NO ONE ever says this. Fuck that guy. (SEA)

Also fuck coffee. (SEA)

Fuck Seattle hipsters and gluten free menus (SEA)

Fuck Jerramy Stevens. (SEA)

Fuck you Roger Goodell, I do not want to see everything else in the world sacrificed to your unquenchable thirst for maximum exposure. (SEA)

Fuck you and fuck your conditional hero worship. (PIT)

Also, fuck Neil O’Donnell. (PIT)

Fuck the Steelers, fuck the Steeler Way, and fuck Roethlisberger. Fuck them all with the stiff, cumstained Terrible Towel that Peter King jerks off into. (PIT)

Fuck Todd Haley with an IC Light enema. (PIT)

Fuck Big Ben and fuck myself for not being able to properly hate that asshole. (PIT)

Fuck Joe Montana, fuck Jerry Rice, fuck Bruce Coslet, fuck KiJana Carter, fuck Dick LeBeau, and absolutely fuck Mike Brown in the ass with pineapples wrapped in sandpaper. (CIN)

Fuck Carson Palmer. (CIN)

Fuck this team. (CIN)

fuck anyone who brings up that Marvin was the Ravens D coordinator back when they won their first Super Bowl. (CIN)

Oh and fuck that fat coward of a hitman, Kimo Von Oelhoffen. (CIN)

Fuck Mike Brown with mattress spring. (CIN)

Fuck us, man. Seriously. FUCK. US. (CIN)

Fuck Dave Shula. (CIN)

Ask a Broncos fan about Josh McDaniels and they will tell you that he can get fucked with a shovel. * (CLE)

Fuck the Browns.LEBRON IS BACK! * (CLE)

Fuck us, fuck us to Neptune and back. (CLE)

Fuck Art Modell with Johnny Manziel’s finger. (CLE)

Fuck all that Cleveland loyalty shit. (CLE)

Fuck Art Modell. (CLE)

Brandon Weeden threw four picks and Trent Richardson rushed for 40 yards. Fuck them both. (CLE)

Fuck Under Armour. (BAL)

Steve Biscotti wears a god damn DUSTER jacket. Fuck us all. (BAL)

Fuck us Raven fans, fuck our inferiority complex, fuck our insane loyalty to a team that has managed to make consistently winning completely unwatchable, fuck our urban blight of a city and fuck our woman punching, broken down starting running back. (BAL)

Fuck the Super Bowl shuffle, that shit was awful. (CHI)

Fuck Mel Tucker. (CHI)

Fuck Mike Ditka. (CHI)

Bears fans ruined my birthday and made me a bad person. Fuck us. (CHI)

Fuck whoever’s responsible for all those injuries. (GB)

Fuck that place, man. (GB)

Fuck Colin Kaepernick with a giant Valyrian steel cheese-grater. (GB)

Fuck Golden Tate and the replacement refs with a rusty shovel. (GB)

Fuck Justin Harrell. (GB)

Fuck Clay Matthews. (GB)

Fuck Matt Millen in the ass with Henry Clay Ford’s rotten skeleton. (DET)

Fuck Brett Farve and fuck the Lions. (DET)

Fuck Joey Harrington, fuck Matt Millen, and fuck Jim Schwartz with a red flag tied to a marshmallow-roasting fork. And fuck Matt Millen a couple more times just to be sure. (DET)

Fuck this team and anybody who would support it, myself included. (DET)

I’m just recounting this story because fuck Mike Mayock. * (MIN)

Also, fuck Gary Anderson. (MIN)

Fuck the Packers. (MIN)

Fuck the entire NFC South. (MIN)

Fuck you, Gary Anderson. (MIN)

Fuck Denny Green, Red McCombs, Brad Childress, the Gang of Ten, Brett Favre, Bernard Berrian, Gary Anderson, Jamaal Anderson, Morten Anderson and the technical staff of the Meadowlands in 2000 that stole our radio signal. And fuck Norv Turner in advance. (MIN)

I hope Geno Smith is good all things considered but fuck this team. (NYJ)

As someone who owned Lamar Miller in fantasy last season, I would just like to formally note: FUCK LAMAR MILLER. * (MIA)

Also, fuck the ‘72 Dolphins forever. With a champagne bottle. * (MIA)

Fuck Jeff Ireland. (MIA)

Fuck you so hard Bill Parcells (MIA)

Fuck Ray Finkle. (MIA)

I spent $200 on a Daunte Culpepper jersey... so fuck me. (MIA)

Fuck Jon Bon Jovi, his shitty band, and the cigarette smoking, food stamp using fans that listen to his music. (BUF)


They demand fealty and offer none of their own. Fuck them. * (NE)

I struggle to even call them fans, because I doubt they’ll be there in 5 years.Fuck these people. (NE)

Fuck Drew Bledsoe. (NE)

Fuck Laurence Maroney with an asbestos-ridden bag of jagged nails. (NE)

This motherfucker said he’d trade “the catch” for a universal ban on gay marriage. Most Pats fans probably would too, I suppose, but still. Fuck that guy. (NE)

Fuck Bill Belichick and his need to outthink the room every god damn day of the week. (NE)

Fuck that goober Eli Manning and fuck that bigot David Tyree. (NE)

Fuck Ellis Hobbs with a thousand dicks. (NE)

Fuck Simmons up the ass with a rusty crab leg. (NE)

Oh fuck these shitstains. Fuck them right to fucking hell. (NE)

Editor’s note: Andy sent this email prior to the publication of Drew’s NFC East editions of Why Your Team Sucks 2014. Therefore, in the interest of completion, we present the Fucks of the NFC East. As above, asterisks indicate Drew’s fucks; all others are the readers.

First and foremost, fuck Mike Wise. (WAS)

Fuck Heath Shuler. (WAS)

Fuck Dan Snyder. (WAS)

Fuck. Me. (WAS)

Also, fuck Will Beatty. (NYG)

Also, fuck Ron Jaworski forever.* (PHI)

Well, fuck these Nick Nolte mug shot-looking motherfuckers (PHI)

Fuck that [E-A-G-L-E-S] chant. (PHI)

Oh and fuck Doug Pederson. (PHI)

Fuck McNabb. (PHI)

Juan Castillo was once our defensive coordinator. Fuck that guy. (PHI)

Fuck Eagles fans with McNabb’s puke-soaked mouthguard. (PHI)

Fuck the Eagles. (PHI)

But seriously, FUCK their fans. (PHI)

Fuck that stupid, brain dead, “E-A-G-L-E-S” chant and the bottom feeders who feel it necessary to scream it (PHI)

Fuck Dallas.* (DAL)

Fuck the Cowboys.* (DAL)

And since this is the end of the series this year, fuck everyone.* (DAL)

Fuck Tony Romo and Jerry Jones with a rake. (DAL)

Fuck Babe Laufenberg with Quincy’s Carter’s penis and Drew Henson holding. (DAL)

Fuck Jerry Jones with a railroad spike. (DAL)

Fuck you. (DAL)

[Ed: That was directed at Rolando McClain.]

Fuck Shante Carver. Fuck Sherman Williams. Fuck Deion Sanders. Fuck David LaFleur. Fuck Chris Warren. Fuck Chan Gaily. Fuck not drafting Randy Moss. Fuck Flozell “False Start” Adams. Fuck Joey Galloway. Fuck Troy Hambrick. Fuck Darren Hambrick. Fuck Kareem Larrimore. Fuck Quincy Carter. Fuck Ebeneezer Ekuban. Fuck Kavika Pittman. Fuck Alonzo Spellman. Fuck Chad Hutchinson. Fuck Richmond Flowers. Fuck Robert Thomas.Fuck Bruce Coslet.Fuck Antonio Bryant. Fuck Julius Jones. Fuck Vinnie Testaverde. Fuck Terrell Owens. Fuck Roy Williams (both of them). Fuck Wade Philips. Fuck Felix Jones. Fuck the entire 2009 draft. Fuck Mike Vanderjagt. Fuck Martin Gramatica. Fuck Billy Cundiff. Fuck David Buehler. Fuck Nick Folk. Fuck Sean Lee for being made of cheap porcelain. And finally fuck me for still caring. (DAL)

That’s a lotta fuckin’.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, here’s a chart of all the fucks, broken down by team. That’s right: it’s a Fuck Chart.


Illustration for article titled Dead Letters: Who Your Team Fucks


Subject: Wow

From: Aziz
To: The Staff

Wow I just went to your page for the first time in years. You guys really suck. I remember back in 2007-2009 how awesome your stories were. Now we are left the absolutely worst sports website I’ve ever seen.

Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit losers. I hate all your faces and would love to slap the shit out of every one of you sissy ass pussy bitches.

From: Greg Howard
To: Aziz

Yea I hear you, but actually, 2012 was good. Read through once more then let us know if you feel the same. Thanks Aziz!

From: Albert Burneko
To: Aziz

thank u aziz

From: Aziz
To: Albert Burneko

Where’s the shoty award

Sent from my iPhone

Image by Jim Cooke

Chart by Sam Woolley


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