Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Deadspin OBLITERATES Current Internet Headline Meme

Illustration for article titled Deadspin OBLITERATES Current Internet Headline Meme

As an internet user, you're probably aware of the symbiotic relationship between popular broadcasters like Jon Stewart and John Oliver and the internet. It works like this: broadcasters sum up a current issue in an entertaining, shareable video, and then websites looking for content that takes no time or effort to produce—i.e., all of them—spread it around on their behalf. The broadcasters get free publicity, and the websites get free traffic. (Gawker Media definitely participates in this cycle.)


From the website's end, the only problem is that every other website on the internet is running the same video. To get the lion's share of the traffic, it's imperative to stand out in your attempts to draw the attention of the right-thinking people to whom the popular broadcaster is pandering. This is why you see headlines in your Facebook feed every morning talking up how John Oliver ANNIHILATED or CRUSHED this or that.

It's tough to get creative, though, and the internet is running out of synonyms for "destroy." That's why the Deadspin staff brainstormed up some headlines that everyone is free to use. (We'll grab one the next time Keith Olbermann EVISCERATES the NFL for the benefit of right-thinking football fans; after all, we definitely want a slice of that free traffic.) Think of Olbermann and the NFL as placeholders; any of these would work just as well with, say, Jon Stewart and advocates of land war in Syria or whatever.

• Keith Olbermann Skins The NFL Alive And Then Wears The Skin As A Skin Suit

• Keith Olbermann Tackles The NFL So Hard That It Suffers Brain Damage, Is Overcome With Depression, And, 14 Years Later, Drinks Antifreeze In A Garage To Kill Itself

• Keith Olbermann Five-Star Frog Splashes The NFL Before Sealing It In A Coffin

• Keith Olbermann Forces The NFL To Choose Which Of Its Children Will Live

• Keith Olbermann Decimates The NFL, Lining Up Everyone Who Works For the League And Making Every Tenth One Of Them Step Out Of Line And Then Brutally Killing Them


• Keith Olbermann Turns The Fryer On Before The NFL Begins Its Shift At Burger King, And Then The NFL Falls Into The Fryer From The Ventilation Shaft And Gets Cooked To The Maxxxxx

• Keith Olbermann Jumps Into NFL's Body And Then Eats NFL's Tongue And Then Perches On NFL's Jaw Inside NFL's Mouth Like New, Horrific Tongue From Hell


• Keith Olbermann Ties The NFL To A Radiator And Says You Can Go Free If You Can Guess How Many Fingers I'm Holding Up Behind My Back (He Is Holding Up Four) And Then The NFL Says "Four" And Keith Olbermann Just Fucking MURDERS The NFL Anyway

• Keith Olbermann Punches The NFL In The Belly Hard Enough To Make It Barf And Then Holds Its Face In The Barf And Forces It To Eat Its Own Barf


• Keith Olbermann Annihilates The NFL By Placing It Into Contact With Anti-NFL Particles

Keith Olbermann Makes Mincemeat Of NFL, Bakes Mincemeat Into Pie, Then Refuses To Eat It


• Keith Olbermann Shoots The NFL In The Forehead With A Captive Bolt Gun, Grinds It Up Into Hamburger Meat, Cooks The NFL, Eats It With A Side Of Fries, Throws It Back Up, And Yells At It

• Keith Olbermann Sews NFL's Asshole Closed And Keeps Feeding It And Feeding It And Feeding It


• Keith Olbermann Slices And Dices The NFL, Throws Its Remnants In His Compost Heap, Uses It To Grow The Freshest Weed, Rolls That Shit Up, And Smokes It

• Keith Olbermann Offers The NFL Weed Laced With PCP, Causing The NFL To Panic And Fall Out A Second-Floor Story Window, Breaking Its Ankles


• Keith Olbermann Cuts Off The NFL's Head, Opens Its Stomach, Jams The Head In Its Stomach, Sews The Stomach Back Up, And Delivers The Head As If It Were A Baby

• Keith Olbermann Curbstomps Roger Goodell, Then Pays For His Expensive, Painful Dental Reconstruction Surgery Just So He Can Do It Again


• Keith Olbermann Turns Up The Heat On Roger Goodell, Keeps A Glass Of Cool, Refreshing Water Just Out Of Reach, And Refuses To Give Him Lip Balm When He Complains His Lips Are Chapped

• Keith Olbermann Asks Roger Goodell What The Capital Of Thailand Is And Roger Goodell Says "Bangkok" And Keith Olbermann Pulverizes Roger Goodell's Dick And Balls With A Mallet


• Roger Goodell Answers The Phone And Keith Olbermann Says Check On The NFL. And Roger Goodell Checks On The NFL And It's Fine. And Then Keith Olbermann Calls Again And Says Check On The NFL. And Roger Goodell Checks On The NFL And It's Still Fine. And Then Keith Olbermann Calls Again And Says Check on the NFL. And Then Roger Goodell Calls The Police And Says Where Are These Calls Coming From And The Police Say They're Coming From Inside The House. And Then Keith Olberman Kills Roger Goodell And The NFL.

• Keith Olbermann Takes Aim At The NFL, But The Shot Comes From Behind The NFL's Head. It's Jon Stewart. He Was Also Taking Aim And Fired The Killshot.