Everyone: try not to kill your own grandfather, because we have apparently been transported back to the 1950s, where women are barefoot and pregnant and the biggest casualty of the NHL lockout is wifey, at her station in the kitchen, struggling to keep "hubby" happy.
This is an actual column that ran in an actual newspaper today and is written by an actual person:
Like many overworked spouses, I rely heavily on televised hockey. Thanks to smarty-pants NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, I'm facing a grim season of botched reno projects and non-essential trips to Rona. Sure, I can grab the remote control when The Good Wife is on, but that's small consolation.
It's not the immediate fall season that has me worried. I can keep hubby happy with Saskatoon's new Lingerie Football League for a few more months. We can ride out Thanksgiving with its nap-inducing turkey dinner. The exhausting run-up to the 100th Grey Cup will also fill the drama quotient until early December.
But what happens on those evenings when I need to sneak Christmas shopping in through the side door while hubby's watching the Canucks?
Ha ha! Because men like watching hockey, you see, and women like to pacify their giant baby life partners with TV while they're off doing lady things. Women be shoppin', and gestatin'.
When the CBC launched their ill-considered "While The Men Watch" playoff feed, we wondered—who is this actually for? Who are the walking stereotypes who need the finer points of the game condescended to them, interspersed with fashion tips and drool-covered descriptions of hot players? Well, Patricia Dawn Robinson is here to make you want to bang your head into the wall.
What do the women of Canada need to do to fix this impasse? I say we appeal to Mr. Bettman's wife, Shelli, to work her magic. Couldn't she leave a few glossy brochures promoting the benefits of early retirement on her hubby's night table?
No more neck rubs, Gary, until you reach a settlement with the NHL Players' Association. And Costco chicken and bagged salad will remain on the rotating dinner menu until I see a centre ice face-off.
I HATE YOU.
Women, I know Patty D doesn't speak for you. If you're a hockey fan, you care and are informed about the lockout, and this is just insulting. And if your husband is a hockey fan, I'm sure you're going to make it through the fall just fine without him beating you or wanting to spend time with you or whatever Robinson's blathering about. And whether you personally care about hockey or not, appealing to the commissioner's wife to passive-aggressively control the dinner table is barely a step up from "Hockey-related revenue? Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!" For fuck's sake, she's pitching Lysistrata with bagged salad.