Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Does Our Mystery Mets Dong Belong To Ike Davis?

Illustration for article titled Does Our Mystery Mets Dong Belong To Ike Davis?

Last night we showed you a sneak peak inside the Mets locker room provided by SNY. Today, an industrious reddit user has taken several context clues and mashed them together with a few inferences and a dash of "sure, I measured the length between my penis and the floor" to come to the conclusion that Ike Davis was the owner of the dick behind R.A. Dickey. This is all [sic]'d.


Well, let's do this CIS style:

The clues:

Team: Mets. Possible culprits: 25

Since he is showering that day, it likely narrows it down to one of the ten players who appeared in Friday night's game.

Race: White. Torres, Santana, Quintanilla - you're out.

Penis status: circumcised (I'm looking at you, Ike Davis)

Pubes status: shorn. The penis is likely attached to an unmarried player who still feels as though he needs to impress the ladies

Height: Unknown, BUT we can see that the top of his penis stands at precisely 5.5 blue bricks from the ground, less 5 x 1 inch = 5 inches for the caulk (heh) between the bricks. Assuming these are painted cinder blocks, which run 8 x 8 x 16 inches, we can infer that his hips are 39 inches from the ground. The top of my own penis stands 36.5 inches from the ground, and at 5'11", that runs at a ratio of 51.4% of my height. Extrapolating that ratio to 39 inches, our penissy pal likely stands approximately 6'3 and 3/4".

Handedness: Left (in the video, the player can be seen to be carrying a towel in his left hand, and his right hand to be empty).

Discussion: We have on our hands a left-handed, caucasian, 6'4" circumcised player from Friday night's game.

Conclusion: The only caucasian, unmarried, left-handed throwing player from last night's game was Ike Davis, who is unmarried, stands 6'4" and is Jewish (i.e., likely circumcised).


Now, there's a whole lot of convenient analysis here, as this person clearly set out to prove it was Ike Davis, as opposed to discovering who's penis was pictured on SNY. There are several questionable conclusions here, namely using the towel carrying hand as an indicator of dominant handedness, only single men shaving their pubes and only Jewish men being circumcised.


But! Still! It could be Ike Davis's johnce.

h/t Grant F. and Chris B.

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