Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Floyd Landis does his best Jose Canseco impression on Nightline: "Rather than go into the entire detail of every single time I've seen it, yes, I saw Lance Armstrong using drugs."
• No sir, the NBA does not like it when you discuss a former Miami Heat forward's waning lust for the sticky icky icky.
• The mighty Kansas City Royals keep A-Rod from his well-deserved asterisk, if but for a day.
• In Floyd Mayweather's defense, an Antonio "Plaster of Tijuana Knuckles" Margarito bout is comparable to cockfighting. Money should've manned up and claimed $60 million to fight the Filipino Stallion in November like Margarito will, though.
• The unemployment line could grow by 340+ pounds if Jim Gray doesn't take up the Shaq cause posthaste.
• Tom Brady is none too happy with his measly $6.5 million contract. Yet Sean Penn is still wasting his time in Haiti. The nerve. Of Penn. Tahm's a Gahd.
• America moves ever-so-closer to ESPN's CP3 Telethon. Orlando, New York? New York, Orlando?
• Brian Urlacher is a neo-Nazi? No. Jay Cutler is a ladyboy? Yes.
• In this corner, Chone Figgins. In that corner, whomever the Mariners manager is. The news? "Milton Bradley was good."
• Bob Huggins has fallen. Into a coffee table. In Las Vegas. (H/T JovanJ)
• And finally, from the "Hickey's biased coverage" files: Notre Dame announces three-game rivalry renewal with the South Florida Penal System. Carlos Zambrano gets Ryno's blessing, while Tebow gets Elway's.
Oh, what the hell: Good morning, y'all. Saturday? Saturday.