Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Dr. Strangeblog, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love The Closers

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, we've commissioned Commenting Guru Rob Iracane to write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.


So here's this week's column, about how to appropriately comment on Closers, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.


I had an Abraham Simpson moment recently. I sat down and started writing a letter to Will:

Dear Mr. Editor, There are too many closers nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Having three consecutive closers that early in the morning, I thought, led to a general malaise amongst commenters and didn't quite prepare us to be funny for the afternoon onslaught of crazy videos and wacky news stories. Yes, some of us like the NBA and some of us enjoy college basketball and the really insane among us want their own special place to comment about the NHL, but all too often, the discussions become rote "my team is better'n your team" arguments or ridiculous "no love for my favorite team" questions. Before I licked the envelope, however, I paused to think: What if all these closers actually provided us with a chance to be funny and we're just fucking it up?

How can I scientifically check to see if the closers are being funny? I needed to count the jokes, so I sat down and analyzed all three of the major closers (Hirshey and his footie closer got a pass; I couldn't figure out what was a joke and what was a shameless book plug) and found that the joke-per-sentence ratio actually equaled the joke-per-sentence ratio in almost every other Deadspin post over the past three months. They're setting us up with a chance to be funny!


Will only hires the best of the best bloggers to write the daily closers; we've seen a steady rotation of excellent writers telling us what happened last night in the NBA, NHL and college basketball. And soon, Associate Editor Rick will once again grace us with tiger attack references in his MLB closer.


So let's follow their lead and build some comedy pyramids. If the College Basketball Closer makes a joke comparing Eddie Sutton to Count Chocula, then let's hear some jokes comparing Tubby Smith to Boo Berry. We don't need to hear that your favorite cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That's just a dry, humorless statement unless you add the comedy milk. If the NBA Closer doesn't mention the Memphis-Toronto game, don't tell us the score and express your joy about the Raptors' win. Make up a funny Chris Bosh abuses children joke or something. If the NHL Closer goes past 1500 words ... well ... you're on your own with that one.


I tore up that letter to Will. Was it because I finally appreciated all the humor inside these closers? Maybe. Was it because I trust that our comments will be funny from here on out? Possibly. Was it because I ran out of stamps? Definitely. These folks, however, never run out of postage because their jokes got delivered as the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Kool Aid sneakers
Suss—: If you ever get in a fistfight with the Kool-Aid man, the best hiding place is to jump inside him.


Re: Larry Johnson's expensive watch
Sh!tshow: "What time is LJ?" "It's Trade Me to a Contender O'Clock."


Re: Committing to the racist stereotype
KarenUhOh: And I just spent twelve dollars learning to walk like an Egyptian.


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