Football season is upon us, which means that thousands of angry, horny, feisty pretend fans will converge upon this great nation's red cup-littered parking lots to participate in traditional tailgating revelry. These are not those stories.
This series will run on MONDAYS this year. Again, consult the initial post if you'd like to help us out with this.
The Triumphant Tale OF The Super-Drunk Volunteer
When my group of friends were in college (roughly 2003-2007) at the University of Tennessee, we always represented ourselves well at tailgates. And by well, I mean we showcased drunken behavior that bordered on total disregard for any laws or code of ethics that exist in today's modern society.
However, for some reason our tailgates at away games were generally much more out of control and produced downright criminal behavior. One particular trip that stands out is a voyage we made down to UGA for the UT-Georgia game in 2006. There are several hilarious stories from this particular weekend, however the one that gets brought up most went something like this.
On this particular day, our friend [Redacted] was quite possibly the most inebriated human in Athens, GA. [Redacted] had downed what was being reported as "close to a handle of gin" by noon or so. Kick-off was around 8 p.m. that night. Long story short, everyone at the tailgate is fully aware of [Redacted]'s drunken state.
The kid has fallen down several times (as evident by his dirty...are those white jeans?) and is a total mess. Our friend [Redacted], in the navy hat decides to openly mock him in front of the entire tailgate for being so drunk.
[Redacted] defends himself by doing the only logical thing in his mind at that point; passionately kissing him on the mouth in front of nearly 100 close friends, attractive women, and total strangers.
The following pictures capture the moment incredibly well...[Redacted] is knocked down by a blow from [Redacted] and helped up to his feet. Meanwhile, [Redcacted] spits repetitively in disgust, then realizes that the forceful nature of a man on man kiss has destroyed his Ray Bans. He is then consoled by a good friend and announces to the tailgate that [Redacted] is "a lousy fucking kisser."
On a side note, [Redacted] later is taken to the hospital by a friend for alcohol poisoning. The friend is asked by the nurses in Athens if he "can get his friend to stop using so much loud profanity and being so uncooperative." [Redacted] is later seen holding a beer at a bar in a near catatonic state, hospital bracelet on wrist.
*names redacted because people don't want to get fired.
Yale Pissed On Harvard
Okay, so I am a homosexual liberal elitist who went to Harvard and we only had one respectable tailgate a year (before the Yale game) but this is still funny: our senior year, the game was at the Yale Bowl, which is a nice old-school stadium that's kind of dug into the ground in the middle of a huge field. so all the support facilities are in little wood buildings outside the actual stadium. A friend of mine is stumbling around blind drunk quite some time before the game even starts and heads into one of these wood shacks, thinking it's a bathroom, because it looks the same from the outside as all the bathrooms. It turns out it isn't a bathroom, but it's dark and no one's in there so he just closes the door and starts pissing. about ten seconds later the door on the far side of the building opens, throwing a beam of light across the room. He looks over and sees that: 1) he's in the Yale band's equipment shed, 2) the entire band is standing outside the far door looking at him, and 3) he's just absolutely soaking one of their sousaphones in a fire hose-level stream of urine.
Ah, The 80's: When Drunken Road Rage Was Cool
It was in 1980 (I think).
Patriots vs. Steelers - Monday Night Schaefer Stadium Foxoboro, MA.
Myself and 2 friends - left for the game at 4:00 PM.
In the car we had two cases of beer (Red White & Blue) , a bottle of Kahluha, a bottle of Vodka - steak tips, etc.
We had a grill, steak tips and other red meat but no utensils or plates - we did it up caveman style.
Our seats were in the first row in the end zone right behind the extra point net, one of my friends stood up on the railing holding onto the net during a Steeler field goal try. He was not aware that the net was dropped immediately after the ball hit the net and ended up on the field tangled up in the net flopping around like a flounder.
We leave the game and the person who was driving believes that a camper cut him off. The other person in the front seat is hanging out the window going down Route 1 throwing empty beer cans at the camper.
The camper pulls onto route 95 headed north and we follow, he gets off of the highway and pulls over - "We've got him now" slurs the driver.
Only problem, the driver of the camper had pulled into a nearby police station.
We were arrested and charged with being minors in possession of alcohol and arraigned the next morning.
I think that was the last Monday Night Game played in Foxoboro until the Krafts bought the team.
Please keep this anonymous.
Drake Has A Football Team, Apparently
Nothing says tailgating like a Division I-AA Non-Scholarship football in the middle of Des Moines, IA, right!?! Well, that's what I thought, too. To my surprise, several of my Drake University bretheren shared that sentiment in the Fall of 2001 as we became the first and only 15 people to ever participate in a tailgate for a Drake Football game.
We all went from zero-to-wasted in 4.3 seconds, got insaney-type stares from geriatrics and parents of Freshmen who, after the season, would quit the team so that they could concentrate full-time on drinking and breaking shit at the PIKE house, my brother's car left an anti-freeze piss stain on the Tennis Center parking lot (that's right, the football stadium doesn't even have its own parking lot) after the radiator on his '93 Grand Am was murdered from running the engine for three straight hours so that we could listen to 311 as loud as humanly possible, and I got thrown out of the game for stealing a trombone from the pep-band and running onto the field with it after a touchdown. None of the 512 in attendance cared.
Mizzou Girls Know How To Pee In Public
Last year I was at my fraternity's tailgate before a game. Typical tailgate, lots of people in a confined area with free liquor everywhere. As I'm talking to one of my friends, this girl comes up to us and goes "Hey, guys. Watch this." She then pulls her pants down and proceeds to piss in the middle of the parking lot. Apparently the port-o-potty 50 yards away was too far. This was no short piddle either, she squatted there for quite awhile with a huge shit eating grin on her face as everyone (maybe 100 people) watched in shock and amusement. Once the deed was done she pulled her pants up, walked over to some hoosiers sitting on their tailgate and flashed them for a free beer. She provided me with a post game show too, showed up at my house (she was a friend of a friend apparently) flashed us all and announced she wanted to make out with me. This girl is in the smartest sorority on campus.
Don't know if this counts as a tailgate experience but the next week after the game I was at a friends house party when these two people who had never met each other fucked on the front porch in front of about 50 people. I didn't get a photo but a lot of other people did. I know the guy and I don't think he has drank since (although he should be proud, chick was smokin). Needless to say in back to back Saturdays I saw more public indecency than all the other 21 years of my life combined.
Attention tailgaters. It's a long season so please help us with this project and send along any and all shady stories, ridiculous videos, and photos from your tailgating experiences from this season. Or last season. Or 1952. Just make it funny/sad/gross/shocking. Email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Subject: FAILgate