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Life came fast at Naomi Osaka. After she skipped the hype machine of the junior circuit, went pro, and won some local fame in Japan, Osaka won her first professional title of any kind at Indian Wells this year, and her second at (sheesh) the U.S. Open. Within days of hoisting that second trophy, she found herself on Ellen, where the eponymous host lobbed some personal questions at the reserved tennis star. One of them had to do with her “celebrity crush.”

A partial transcript:

OSAKA: I don’t know his name, but he was in Black Panther, but he was the villain.

DEGENERES: Oh. Michael B. Jordan?

OSAKA: Yeah.

DEGENERES [forcefully]: Yes.

OSAKA [shaking head]: No.

DEGENERES [smelling blood]: Do you want me to text him right now?

OSAKA [urgently]: No.

DEGENERES [drunk with power]: Seriously. Someone get my phone, and I’m going to text Michael that he should meet you.


Tuesday was Osaka’s 21st birthday. Here is what Ellen did, and here is what Osaka wanted her to do.


Jordan took this as his opportunity to step in.


Ellen has too much power, and too many TVs. She must be stopped before the next major award show, or she will pose for a selfie with the entire world, smile big as her eyes go black, and swallow it whole, trapping all for eternity with their unspoken celebrity crushes.

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