England Will Be Awesome In Unknown Sports

As you sit there comfortably in the basement of your ivory tower, sipping your Red Bull and text messaging your co-workers, our nation's dominance — okay, reallygoodness — is being threatened by the very country who created us and taxed us without representation.

That's right, England is trying to beat us in the Olympics by training retired athletes in other Olympic sports nobody else really cares about:

It's all part of a highly pragmatic and uniquely British effort to maintain national pride when London plays host to the Summer Games in 2012. Britain has a goal: fourth place in the overall national medal count.

They estimate that they'll need about 20 gold medals for a fourth place finish (behind the United States, China, and Russia), so they have five years to become powerhouses in flatwater canoeing, team handball, volleyball, and women's sprint kayak.

Other sports I can see England dominating:

• 100-meter flowery prose • Greco-Roman empire building • Team relay dillydallying • Marathon Yakety Saxing • Soccer

It's always nice to place well in the Olympics when you're the host country, but if the plan works too well? Then brace yourselves for ludicrous prices on tea.

UK To Corner Market For Obscure Olympic Sports [All On The Field] Britain Schemes To Come In Fourth in 2012 Olympics [Wall Street Journal]