Eric Gagne, A Still Life

Perhaps our favorite ridiculous conspiracy theory about the Mitchell Report was that Sen. Mitchell, a Red Sox fan, was somehow attempting to stack the deck by ignoring potential Red Sox juicers. Not just that, but he happened to nail the one guy Sox fans hated the most at the time: Eric Gagne. Well, if you watched that Brewers-Cubs game yesterday, if Gagne is on steroids, man, he needs some new ones.

You always know a closer is in a death spiral when the mere mention of his name causes cheers among the opposing fans. Yesterday was fun, because you say this from both Cubs and Brewers fans. (Phillies fans will enjoy this once Brad Lidge comes back, not that the exact same thing isn't happening to Tom Gordon.)

We think this Gagne death spiral is going to last about a month, and then we'll be on Derrick Turnbow watch. Maybe it is the steroids.

And honestly: Gagne looks less like a professional athlete than just about anybody in sports right now, now that Rich Garces is gone.

(Photo via Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel)