Attention Amazon shoppers: It’s Coach Prime Day!

Welcome to Coach Prime Day (patent pending) where everything is for sale. Tablets, air fryers, backpacks, integrity, you name it, Coach Prime will endorse it. (No idea if Deion Sanders signed off to endorse this advertorial, but we should probably run it by legal before we get a cease, and desist from Coach Prime, Campbell, & Clarke.)

In honor of America’s obsession with material objects, Coach Prime and Prime Day, I’ve been tasked with hawking (portions of my soul) for Jeff Bezos, and all the other insatiable capitalists over at Amazon.

So let’s get this over with before my consciousness catches up with my brain, and I leap in front of the El.

Not only did Coach Prime play two sports, but he also played on both sides of the football. That’s a lot of radio chatter in a guy’s helmet, and even though Prime never played a position in which his helmet had a radio, let’s pretend he did for the sake of the promotion.

DeWalt two-way radios: If they’re good enough for the sidelines, they’re good enough for the construction site.

Sick of all those pesky remotes? Ever wonder why everything can’t be like Coach Prime, and consolidated into one, perfect package? Well, does Amazon have a sweet deal for you!

Control all your devices with this limited-time Prime Day deal that won’t happen again until Cyber Monday in a month and a half!

I don’t know if Coach Prime enjoys a little variety in the bedroom, but he clearly has had sex as evidenced by the existence his offspring. Why am I talking about Coach Prime’s sex life? Mostly to make Shilo and Shedeur uncomfortable, but also because people love to buy sex toys anonymously off Amazon.

While it is nice to avert the judgmental gaze of the clerk at Dr. John’s, remember that some poor Amazon worker still has to schlep over to the sex toy district of the Amazon warehouse, reach their hand into the bucket of dildos, and plop a girthy one into a box for you.

If an Amazon worker judges you in a voluminous warehouse, do you still feel shame? Not if you’re Coach Prime!

Even though Amazon is not an official vendor of Blenders eyewear, if you search “Coach Prime sunglasses” a pretty passable approximation will populate. Whether the student population in Boulder will accept a cheap imitation is up to the fraternity, so you might want to buy the knockoff cowboy hat as well.

Honestly, just laud Deion Sanders in every conversation, make sure only to refer to him as Coach Prime, and say it with increasing ferocity. I’d say offer to smoke them out, yet I don’t think I can technically do that in something designed to be product placement. Well, that, COVID and the likelihood of CU kids already having a vape pen.

Looking for a way to charge all your devices in one spot, but are not wealthy enough to afford all USB-C tech? Amazon has countless power cords, cubes, and strips with outlets for any cord you can think of.

The plug-and-play format is easy, fast, and effective, sort of like Coach Prime’s turnaround at Colorado. Did you know Colorado only won one game a year? Coach Prime was able to gut the program in a single offseason, and re-energize the team and its fanbase.

I don’t think Coach Prime is an accurate representation of the miracles Coach Prime is performing. From now on, he is Saint Prime.

Did you know Saint Prime is attempting to trademark the phrases “Bull junk” and “Give me my theme music”? All this time, I thought Saint Prime said “bull junk” on that KFC commercial because FCC regulations prohibit him from saying “bullsh*t” in an ad that runs 900 times every Saturday. (This is probably a good time to confirm that, yes, we can use Saint Prime’s likeness to push Prime Day deals.)

Silly me. Of course, Saint Prime, a man of devout faith, doesn’t curse, and, being the businessman he is, Our Lord and Sanders does everything for a reason. And anything for a buck.

I believe we have our loophole. Amazon produces Saint Prime’s series Coach Prime, and that leads me to believe Coach Prime Day should be copacetic, right? I’m not a lawyer, and have zero affiliation with the company’s e-commerce branch, but I have a cousin who works for Amazon, so my legal advice is about as worthless as your cart full of unneeded material possessions. Just remember you don’t bring worldly possessions into the afterlife and they only distract from the hole in your soul, not repair it.

Anywho, happy shopping!